CECIL B. DEMENTED
A satirical look at low budget underground film making. (I pretend to fake a sneeze and instead blurt out Bowfinger.) Oh wait, this one's made by trashy film director John Waters. Sorry, I've never been a fan. Anyway, what happens is a struggling filmmaker from Baltimore kidnaps a big movie star (played by actual big movie star Melanie Griffith) and forces her to be in his crummy little movie, which doesn't explain how Waters got Griffith to be in this crummy medium size movie.

THE CELL
Jennifer Lopez stars as a therapist (blatant typecasting) who must get inside a comatose serial killer's mind to help find and save his latest victim before time runs out. Sounds kinda like a poor second cousin to Silence of the Lambs. And I've got a bad feeling Lopez isn't gonna be wearing anything like that dress she had on at the Grammy Awards.

COYOTE UGLY
A young woman goes to New York to realize her dream of becoming a professional songwriter but winds up working as a sexy waitress and dancer in a bar that happens to have the same name as this movie. Flashdance meets Cocktail but without the welding or that annoying "Kokomo" song.

DISNEY'S THE KID
Bruce Willis stars as a guy who somehow gets to hang out with himself as an eight year old. Unfortunately, The Kid Willis isn't very happy with the idea he grew up the be the Adult Willis (maybe he heard "The Return of Bruno"), but my reviewer's intuition tells me these two gradually form a bond and the Adult Willis learns something about himself in the process. Could be worth viewing as a video rental.

GODZILLA 2000
Okay, folks, this is the real Godzilla. You know, the guy in a rubber suit stepping on miniature buildings and breathing fire out of his mouth. Yes, he's back and boy is he pissed! That's because he found out about that other "special effects up-the-butt" Godzilla who was causing mayhem under his name a couple of years ago. I don't know what they were trying to prove with that pathetic impostor. He couldn't even do the patented standing drop kick and landing upright on his feet maneuver. (A move that gave the original 'Zilla an unfair advantage over the other Japanese film monsters.) Leave the Godzilla franchise to the Japanese filmmakers who understand the subtle nuances of the undisputed King of the Monsters. (And they'll let us worry about what to do with Tom Arnold.)

HOLLOW MAN
The latest retelling of the Invisible Man saga, about a scientist who discovers a formula to make himself and the plot of his movie transparent, but can't figure out a way to reverse the process. As always, the formula causes paranoia and the inability to operate heavy machinery, so any dreams of a lifetime of sneaking into women's locker rooms or driving a Zamboni through a shopping mall are quickly dashed. Kevin Bacon and Elisabeth Shue star, making it possible to get to Nicholas Cage in one easy step when playing the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. (By the way, you won't see me at this movie and it won't be because I'm invisible.)

THE IN CROWD
A young babe is inducted into the hip happenin' group of the college elite and everything is hunky-dory. Then she starts taking private lessons from the star tennis player and that's when things get ugly. Apparently the head bitch of the college elite also has the hots for the tennis player and she's not gonna take not getting laid lying down. (Read it slowly, it makes sense.) I can't think of any reason why anyone would want to see this movie. Unless, of course, there's some real serious cat fighting in it. If there is, let me know.

THE LEGEND OF BAGGER VANCE
No, this isn't a movie about a big hairy beast creepin' around and scaring kitty cats. That would be The Legend of Boggy Creek or any TV drama in which Ed Asner appears shirtless. This is a movie about a guy trying to win a 1930's golf tournament with the help of his black caddie. Hmm, doesn't sound like much of a buddy flick, does it? Matt Damon is the sweet hunk of a golfer with the perfect swing and Will Smith plays the part of the caddie. The film's director is Robert Redford, who also produced A River Runs Through It, a movie about fishing. Probably gonna be slow moving, well made and no way near as embarrassing as Tin Cup.

LOSER
Jason Biggs (American Pie) stars as the title character. He's a well intentioned goof who doesn't fit in with the rest of the NYU student body but is befriended by a pretty yet under appreciated coed played by Mena Suvari (American Beauty). The two of them make a special connection, help each other feel better about themselves and probably fall in love. Yeah, I'm going out on a limb with that conclusion. Maybe they just form their own private study group. Regardless, we have all been here before and I see no reason to go back again.

NUTTY PROFESSOR II: THE KLUMPS
A sequel to a remake. I think that beats a straight, but not a flush. Eddie Murphy is back in his special effects fat suit in a film that promises to devote more screen time (not to mention space) to the professor's fat ass family. Yes, all those big fat people being really big and fat. Think of the comic possibilities! I don't want to sound like a cranky old guy, but when Jerry Lewis played the Nutty Professor, all he needed was a greasy comb down, a pair of glasses and some fake buck teeth. (Hey, didn't Murphy do something like that in Bowfinger?) Anyway, this time around the Nutty P. invents a "fountain of youth" potion that gets the mojos working in his elderly relatives, which means old fat horny people being really old, fat and horny. A surefire box office hit. (Sigh)

THE PERFECT STORM
"Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world." America's newest favorite screen team, George Clooney and Marky Mark Wahlberg, play lovable fishermen who get really wet and risk their lives sailing in front of a blue screen to bring in a bumper crop of swordfish. (Hey, isn't that the password to get into the speakeasy?) This movie is based on a true story, which means something like this really happened but probably not like it does in the movie. In fact, since most of the principles are not alive to tell what really went on (oops, did I spoil it for you?) much of what's depicted is based on speculation, hearsay and the creative imaginations of Hollywood screenwriters. If it's big splashes you like, save your money and just watch some tubby guy do belly flops at the community swimming pool.

POKEMON THE MOVIE 2000
Well, here we go again. Another Pokemon movie with new Pokemon characters. That means more toys and trading cards for the kiddies to collect. If I haven't said it already (and I have) or if you haven't heard me say it (and you should have): Pokemon is evil. Plain and simple.

SCARY MOVIE
The Airplane! spoof treatment is given to recent teen targeted fright films like Scream (1-3), I Know (and Still Know) What You Did Last Summer and The Blair Witch Project. Heart be still - both Carmen Electra and Shannon Elizabeth are in this movie. And in the previews there's a scene where Carmen runs through some sprinklers half naked. Heck, the whole movie should be like that. Directed by Keenan Ivory Wayans, which means you can at least play "Spot the Wayans" if you get bored.

SPACE COWBOYS
Clint Eastwood is cool. Always has been. Even way back when he played Rowdy Yates on the TV series Rawhide. Okay, so he had that one lapse in judgment and made The Bridges of Madison County with Meryl Streep. What the hell was Dirty Harry doing in a weepy chick movie?! But I digress. All is forgiven. Now in his latest movie, which he also directed, some people are calling him the Space Cowboy, but nobody's calling him the Gangster of Love. This is a movie about guys. Old guys. Old cool guys. Clint is a retired air force pilot who was once snubbed by NASA (they wouldn't let him fire his magnum in the simulator) but now he's the only one who can repair a messed up satellite bouncing around in space. (Something about the warranty being expired and the parts are no longer made - way too confusing to get into here.) Clint agrees to make the service call, but only if he can take his cronies along for the ride. Those cronies happen to be Tommy Lee Jones, James Garner and Donald Sutherland. NASA isn't so sure. They'd like to send Matt Damon or Brad Pitt along to help out with the demographics or Sharon Stone to add some sex appeal, but Clint is adamant. He'll only accept the mission if he can take his buddies and he refuses to wear a corporate logo on his space suit. (Unless it's for a product he really believes in and uses.) Based on Eastwood's track record and his choice of supporting cast, I'm saying this movie is worth a look see. Unless I find out that Meyrl Streep is playing Clint's girlfriend. (Or the part of Dr. Bellows is totally miscast.)

THOMAS AND THE MAGIC RAILROAD
A big screen version of Thomas the Tank Engine? Does the little engine that could on TV stand a chance when it's up against Pokemon at the box office? Probably not. And what's this I hear about the part of Mr. Conductor being played by Alec Baldwin? How can he possibly fill the shoes of Ringo Starr or George Carlin? Don't expect this one to be another Silver Streak.

WHAT LIES BENEATH
I've seen the trailer for this film numerous times, but I still can't nail down the premise. From what I can gather, Harrison Ford stars as a college professor and Michelle Pfeiffer plays his wife. Everything seems to be fine and dandy until Pfeiffer starts to get visits from the tormented ghost of a dead student who needs help solving the mystery or her murder. And I think maybe Ford's character may have been involved in some hanky panky with the student prior to her conversion to spirit world. This is the type of film that keeps you guessing what'll happen next and asking questions like, "When is Harrison Ford gonna make that next Indiana Jones movie?"

X-MEN
Superhero genetic mutants join together to protect the world against evil nasty wrong doers. Patrick Stewart is the leader of the group, but somehow I don't think being bald really qualifies him as a mutant. Halle Berry is also on board, but I've heard a stunt double does her driving.  Despite all the hoopla over this flick, I'm not impressed. Sounds like a rip-off of Mystery Men to me.