Dannyís Summer Movie Guide (Part 1)

Summertime means fun at the beach, riding around with the car top down and running after the ice cream truck for a Nutty Buddy. Yum yum. Itís also time for the movie studios to haul out their big guns. Naturally, a lot of the producers came up short in the original ideas department and theyíll be presenting us with a generous amount of sequels, remakes and movie versions of old TV shows. You know, thatís kind of like having to write a paper for school, but just copying one of your older brotherís reports, changing a few things and handing that in instead. Letís hope the new Shaft movie is a lot better than my adaptation of "The Invention of the Cotton Gin."

THE ADVENTURES OF ROCKY & BULLWINKLE
Moose and squirrel are at it again in this offbeat mixture of animation and live action. Rocky and Bullwinkle are cartoon characters but somehow their arch enemies Boris and Natasha turn into real three dimensional people. Jason Alexander and Rene Russo portray the devious duo, but the major casting coup is Robert DeNiro as Fearless Leader. (I heard he immersed himself in the role so deeply that he spoke only in puns for an entire six weeks prior to shooting.) Iím not sure how this movieís gonna turn out, but what Iím really waiting for is a big budget, high tech celluloid treatment of Mr. Peabody & Shermanís travels through time in the Way Back Machine.

BATTLEFIELD EARTH
John Travlolta as a Klingon rip-off in a science fiction movie based on a novel by Ron L. Hubbard, the founder of Scientology and mastermind behind Dianetics. From what I hear, the plot is very convoluted, extremely hard to understand and just plain stupid. Funny, a lot of people feel the same away about Scientology.

THE BIG KAHUNA
Kevin Spacey won his Oscar, that means he can make any kind of movie he wants. So heís decided to take the artsy fartsy route and do this one. Yes, movies are about escapism and who wouldnít want to be a fly on the wall when three industrial lubricate salesmen try to nab a big client in a claustrophobic hotel suite! No really, these guys talk some deep shit in this film, I bet, and youíre gonna come out of the theater thinking some heavy ass thoughts after youíve seen it. Then again, I said the same thing about Ernest Goes To Camp.

BIG MAMMAíS HOUSE
Martin Lawrence in a fat suit and in drag! Watch out! Comedy run amok!!! Okay, so heís a cop who goes undercover to protect a single mom and her kid from bad guys. Hmmm, kind of sounds like Mrs. Doubtfire meets Kindergarten Cop with a little Milton Berle thrown in for good measure. If you donít see one movie this summer, this should be it.

CHICKEN RUN
Chickens do the darndest things. Especially when theyíre tired of being treated like chickens and donít wanna get eaten. This movie is being hailed as an animated version of The Great Escape, only with poultry modeled from clay instead of live actors like Steve McQueen and James Garner. (Although Mel Gibson and other real live actors provide the voices, so you wonít have to sit though a lot of clucking and subtitles.) From the creators of Wallace and Grommit, this movie looks like a winner and may lead to other projects like a comical take on Stalag 17 featuring cartoon ducks or The Bridge on the River Kwai redone with bunny hand puppets.

DINOSAUR
Hasnít the dinosaur thing been done before by Stephen Speilberg? Iíve seen some previews and the animated dinosaurs in this movie donít seem real or fake enough to make it interesting.

THE FLINSTONES IN VIVA ROCK VEGAS
Howís come whenever I hear the word "prequel" I get a strange twinge in my back? And this is a prequel to a movie adapted from a TV cartoon series. So what are we getting here, The Flinstones: Episode One - The Gazoo Menace? Well, at least itís a good way to cover up the fact that none of the actors from the first movie are coming back for more of the yabba dabba doings in this one.

FREQUENCY
Someoneís gonna have to help me out with this one. A guy contacts his dead father on a ham radio and starts talking to him. Then he prevents his dead fatherís death by telling him not to do whatever he did that got him killed in the first place. But somehow that leads to bad stuff, because everybody knows youíre not supposed to alter history, right? Iím confused. About a lot of things, but mostly why the guy didnít use his radio to contact President Lincoln and tell him not to go to Fordís Theater the night he got shot.

GLADIATOR
An epic directed by Rodney Allen Ridley Scott, who also directed the sci-fi classic Blade Runner. Russell Crowe, straight from his Oscar nominated turn in The Insider, stars. I donít know. To me a gladiator flick just doesnít work if the dialogue is in sync with the actorsí lips.

GONE IN 60 SECONDS
Nicolas Cage stars as a former hot shot car thief who comes out of retirement to save his brother from the mob and help pull off the ultimate heist by stealing 50 cars in one single night (or the movieís two hour running time...whichever comes first.) Of course there are few snags heís gonna run into along the way. Like a rival car theft gang who also wants to break the record, thus setting up a Mark McGuire-Sammy Sosa type duel, but only with hot wired cars instead of home runs. Stealing cars is also against the law, so thereís sure to be a few cops gumming up the works and making things more unpleasant. (My guess, and this is only a guess, thereís a particular cop out there who has a score to settle with Cage and makes it extra hard for him to get the job done.) Finally, Oscar winner Angelina Jolie is in this movie and where thereís a beautiful woman involved in a caper, thereís always trouble. Sounds like a good summer flick to help take your mind off other weighty matters...like maybe thereís someone out in the parking lot stealing your car while youíre in the theater watching this movie.

I DREAMED OF AFRICA
You know how it is when someone tells you they had this dream and you donít really want to hear about it, but they tell you anyway? And it turns out to be a painfully boring dream, but they keep going on and on about it even though itís pretty obvious from your squirming that youíre not the least bit interested? Somehow I get the feeling thatís what itís gonna be like watching this movie. Kim Bassinger stars as an animal rights activist who runs off to Kenya because it sounds like a good idea at the time. Yawn, I say. (Oh, like you pop Out Of Africa into the VCR everytime you wanna liven up a party!)

KEEPING THE FAITH
Stop me if you've heard this one: A priest, a rabbi and Dharma from Dharma and Greg are in a movie together. The priest, of course, is a priest and he canít have any sex because heís taken that vow that says you canít have any sex. The rabbi, on the other hand, can have sex and so can Dharma. Shit happens and hilarity ensues. Starring Ben Stiller and Edward "Kookie" Norton, who also directed. Oh yeah, and Dharmaís in it, too. (But not Greg.)

LOVEíS LABOURíS LOST
Boy, do I hate it when they modernize the works of William Shakespeare. This time Kenneth Branagh, the president of the Stratford-upon-Avon Preservation Society, takes one of the Bardís lesser know plays and turns it into a musical featuring the songs of Cole Porter, Irving Berlin and George Gershwin. Instead of taking place in Shakespeareís time, the setting has been moved up to the 30ís, which still makes it somewhat oldish, so why bother? The plot is kinda flimsy, centering on a King and his buddies who swear to give up chicks for three years so they can focus their minds on studying philosophy. Right, letís see how long that works before the only philosophy they can focus on is, "I think therefore Iím horny!" Besides, the minute these guys make their commitment you know some woman is gonna show up and put the whole plan into a tizzy. That woman is a princess played by Alicia Silverstone, who the King and his partners in celibacy immediately fall in love with. What to do, what to do. Sing, of course! And speak long beautiful passages about the cruelty of fate and all that other mickety-muck-muck. Well, I guess Branagh wouldnít do anything to tarnish the image of Shakespeare, right? And at least he didnít go all the way and try and update it with songs by Kid Rock and Limp Bizkit.

ME, MYSELF AND IRENE
Jim Carey plays a man with two personalities in this comedy, which is a step down from his last film role, where he had to play all the personalities of comedian Andy Kaufman. This time itís just a case of good cop, bad cop as Carey plays a Rhode Island state trooper who flip flops between being a man whoís afraid of any confrontation to one that takes it to the extreme. Itís seems like the type of roll tailor made for Carey, giving him the chance to show his versatility and use his ability to over act within the wide parameters of the script. The plot? Yes, there has to be one of those. Otherwise this film would just come off as a ninety minute version of a Jim Carey MTV Awards acceptance speech. Basically, Carey is called upon to escort a woman back to her hometown. Unfortunately, both his personalities fall in love with the woman and thatís where the real fun begins. Me, Myself and Irene is the latest brainchild of the Farley Brothers (Thereís Something About Mary) so if you like their off beat, and often off color, style of comedy and think Jim Carey is funny, youíre probably gonna love this movie. A very good candidate for this summerís smash comedy hit. (Duking it out for the honor with Nutty Professor II, I think.)

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE 2
Tom Cruise is back as Ethan Hunt in this sequel to a movie based on the television series, which I think was loosely based on a concept taken from a idea for a short story by O. Henry. The first film made gobs of money, so Iím guessing theyíre gonna stick with the fast paced action sequences and lots of wacky stunts to keep you on the edge of your seat. Thatís probably why they wooed John Woo to direct this time around. I canít tell you what the plot is for this movie because it was kept secret prior to release. (Couldnít tell you what the plot was for the first one...even after seeing it.) Yes, M:I-Duece is probably gonna make gobs of money, too, and lots of people will buy the soundtrack featuring music by all the hot shit artists of today. And there is no truth to the rumor that Tom Cruiseís haircut caused the film to go over budget.

THE PATRIOT
Damn those Red Coats! Why canít they leave Mel Gibson and his family alone? Donít they know he kicked major butt and won an Oscar in Braveheart? Oh well, even though he just wants to live a peaceful life and stay out of the fray, a man can only take so much before he yells, "Itís clobberiní time!" This movie tries to show what the American Revolutions wouldíve been like if it had a bigger budget and was scripted by the guy who wrote the screenplay for Saving Private Ryan.

ROAD TRIP
Tom Greene sticks a live mouse in his mouth. I believe this is what the ancient Greeks had in mind when they invented comedy. Without even seeing it (or thinking about seeing it), this is my choice for the "feel stupid film" of the summer.

SCREWED
Like I said before, I hate it when they modernize the works of Shakespeare.

SHAFT
Can you dig it? Shaft is back and heís still one bad...well, Iím not sure what because the background singers always cut off Isaac Hayes before he gets a chance to tell us. Samuel L. Jackson is a good choice to take the baton and run with it in the title role, but can he really replace Richard Roundtree as the hip private detective who made a big score with three Shaft movies and a CBS TV series back in the 70ís? Not to worry, he doesnít have to. Roundtree is still John Shaft in this sequel, Uncle John Shaft to be precise, and Jackson is his namesake nephew, a cop who finds himself at odds with the bad guys and the system heís working for. Yes, Shaft is still having his troubles with The Man, all right, but he can handle it. Heís got his uncleís cool attitude, undeniable sex appeal and that funky theme song that lets you know heís the man with a plan. John Singleton (Boyz N The Hood, Poetic Justice) directs.

SHANGHAI NOON
East meets the Old West in this comedy starring Jack Chan, but donít expect the martial arts star to break out into a campy rendition of "Buttons & Bows." This appears to be another "fish out of water" yarn about a Chinaman who comes to the dusty old New World on a quest. No, it isnít Kung Fu and the laughs this time are intentional. Chan is a likable sort and the previews lead me to believe this movie wil make a nice video rental selection.

SMALL TIME CROOKS
Hey, when I said Woody Allen should make a sequel to Take the Money and Run, I didn't know he'd go and do it! Okay, so this isn't an actual sequel and Allen doesnít reprise his role as Virgil Starkwell, at least not in name. Instead heís Ray Winkler, an ex-con turned dishwasher who comes up with a canít miss plan for a heist. His wife, played by Tracey Ullman, is not so sure at first but eventually warms up to the idea (otherwise thereíd be no movie, right?) Also on hand for the shenanigans are Hugh Grant, Jon Lovitz and Elaine May. The buzz on Small Time Crooks is Woody has returned to his roots and made a movie whose only goal is to be funny. Good idea, except itís a shame to waste the subtle dramatic talents of Mr. Lovitz.

28 DAYS
The lighter side of rehab. Sandra Bullock stars as a woman whose wacky mile-a-minute lifestyle lands her in a rehab facility where she tries to pull the usual "I donít have a problem" crap and winds up having the time of her life (and learning something about herself in the process.)

U-571
Trapped in a submarine with Jon Bon Jovi - now thereís a scary premise for a movie! But thereís more. Itís World War II and due to a string of wacky blunders itís a Nazi submarine these American servicemen find themselves trying to maneuver. Which is tough, of course, because all the "donít pull this lever signs" are written in Kraut. This suspense thriller nail bitter also stars Matthew McConaughey, Bill Paxton, Harvey Keitel and David Keith.