The Pop Charts

Have you noticed what kind of music the kids are buying like hot cakes today? Crap. Plain and simple. In fact, if I looked at the Billboard album chart and said "crap" every time I saw crap, I'd sound like a cap gun gone berserk. I know, adults used to say the same thing about the music I bought when I was a kid, but there was a big difference. They were wrong. Me, I was right then and I'm right today. Twenty years from now, people aren't gonna give a damn about the artists listed below, but they'll pay big money for mint condition Freddie & the Dreamers LPs.

(Note: Rankings are based on units sold, Billboard chart position and my distaste for the music in general, divided and then multiplied by the number of times I had to change radio stations to avoid hearing it.)

1. Eminem
You can call him Slim. Or you can call him Marshall. But you doesn't have to call him Shady. What's in a name anyway? Eminem is one hot son of a bitch right now. He's become a super mega star by rapping about the everyday things we can all relate to, like homophobia, violence and misogyny. But don't worry, it's all for laughs. You know, like Ralph Kramden threatening to send his wife Alice "to the moon." Bang zoom, ha-ha-ha. And what kind of person can't find the humor in "Kill You," a song that beautifully expresses Em's murderous sentiments for his mom. (For those times when a card from Hallmark just won't do.) Yes, Mr. Mathers is sitting on top of the world pissing down on creation right now. So what does he do? Why, like any other smokin' hot rap star worth his salt, he gets into a scuffle outside a night club and then gets arrested on (all together now) weapons and assault charges!! Consider it a savvy yet predictable career move. Add another name to Slim's long list, only this one is made up of numbers.

2. Kid Rock
The trash talkin' stoned pimp released a new album, but he couldn't knock Eminem out of the top spot in Billboard's album charts during its first week of release. What a pussy. Actually, The History of Kid Rock isn't really a new album, it's a collection of the stuff he made prior to Devil Without A Cause, the multi-mega-biggie that made him a household name. Well, it's not quite that either, since most of it's been remixed, rehashed and re-recorded so it doesn't pale in comparison to Kid's more refined current rhymes. Yeah, here's a guy with a bad ass attitude, flipping everybody off like there's no tomorrow. But where was he when those WCW wrestlers were tossing around his little midget buddy on Nitro? Popping a cold one, perhaps? (And I don't mean Miss Elizabeth.) "Bawitabati Bang Diggy Diggy Bawitabati Chitty Chitty Bang Bang," yourself, Kid. Your shit does stink no matter how much you overdub.

3. Britney Spears
Ooops, I'm doing it again! Making fun of Britney Spears, that is. Now it's not that I've got anything against mindless sugary pop drivel. I guess there's a place for it. But when I see the giddy Miss Spears on national television talking about "the message" in one of her songs, I just have to laugh. Yes, Britney, we understand that you're not that innocent anymore. We figured that out when you exposed your ample teen cleavage on an awards show earlier this year. A shit listing within a shit listing to Saturday Night Live for having Britney as a guest host on their second to last show of the season. Remember when SNL had an edge to it? Well, I guess it's been so long, you probably don't. Anyway, there was a time when Britney Spears was the type of performer the cast of the show would make cry, not be all huggy and kissy with as the credits rolled. Then again, there was a time when Lorne Michaels wasn't the type of producer who'd be responsible for a movie based on Tim Meadows' worn out Ladies Man character. Pee-uke.

4. matchbox twenty
This group's music is so boring, I couldn't even remember what it sounded like when I started to write this. So I had to check it out on the internet and refresh my memory. Yup, still boring. Doesn't matter though. Their new album is the hottest thing since kittens on water skis. Don't let the name change fool you - these are the same guys that used to call themselves Matchbox 20.  I'm sure the switch will help make it easier for the rack jobbers when they're alphabetizing the CD bins.

5. 'N Sync
I don't know. Just insert here whatever I said about the Backstreet Boys when their last album came out and they were the big smarty pants synchronized dance stepping boy band of choice at the time. Only throw in the word "stinky" a few more times.

6. "Mission Impossible 2" Soundtrack
What can you say about a soundtrack album that features the glorious sounds of Limp Bizkit, Rob Zombie, Godsmack, Buckcherry and Hans Zimmer? Without using the word crap. Okay, so there are contributions from the Foo Fighters and Tori Amos, but they're only included to lull you into a false sense of security. Sort of like good cop, band cop but with songs. Yes, Tom Cruise performed most of his own stunts in the movie, but were any of them as perilous as having to listen to this CD from start to finish?

7. Creed
Same as matchbox twenty, only they didn't tweak the spelling of their name.

8. Whitney Houston
"And I-E-I-E-I will always...uh, how does the rest of it go?" Think, Whitney, think. Sorry, I guess Bobby's girl can't remember the words because she's got a sore throat. You know, the same sore throat that caused her to cancel some dates on her world tour. And the same sore throat that forced her to back out of performing at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame ceremonies. Yes, even the same sore throat that prevented her from wowing them at the Academy Awards. (Whitney's people say it was her decision not to sing at the Oscars. A different version of the story says musical directors Burt Bacharach and Don Was told Whitney, "You're not our baby tonight" and gave her the boot.) What a string of bad luck, especially since her hubby is in jail and can't be around to help Whitney through these troubled times. At least she's got a spiffy greatest hits package shooting up the charts to take her mind off the ugly stuff. Two whole CDs worth of platinum memories divided up into "Cool Down" and "Throw Down" discs. I think maybe she got the idea from a McDonald's ad campaign that ran several years ago. The one where they had the burger that was split into two parts and it was cool on one side and hot on the other. That sandwich isn't around anymore, is it? Interesting.

9. "The Thong Song" by Sisqo
"She had dumps like a truck truck truck / Thighs like what what what / Baby move your butt butt butt / I think to sing it again." But but but please don't don't don't.  And where's Steve Allen when you really need him?

10. Mariah Carey
Well, I tried to find Miss Carey's latest album on the Billboard chart, but by the time I got down to number 48 my mind began to wander to some cold pizza lying helpless on the coffee table. Yes, it seems like the pot at the end of this Rainbow isn't filled with gold, after all. Just Tommy Mottola's dirty underwear. So why does this big breasted honey even make it on this list when her album is falling from the charts faster than a ton of Chris Gaines CDs? One must carefully weigh in the current annoyance factor. You see, Mariah Baby is not going down quietly (insert you own filthy joke please). She's pointing fingers and getting on the internet to blame her label (Sony) for her unpleasant fall from grace. It's record company politics, she claims. They're not giving her album and career the type of priority treatment a diva deserves. Hmmm. Maybe that's because her boring redundant crap is being pushed aside by the music buying public in favor of newer boring redundant crap (see number three on this list). Or maybe she's right. Maybe there is more to this than meets the ear. Let me think...she was sleeping with the head of the label, now she's not sleeping with the head of the label. I may be onto to something here. Of course, you're not top priority anymore. You've gotta put out one way or the other, Sugar, or it ain't gonna happen for you no more, no way. Shitty album? The kids might buy it if you're banging the boss and he red lines a big promotional budget your way. Good album? Once it starts selling, it's gonna stay on the charts a long time because the sales will be infectious. Shitty album by an artist past her prime who doesn't have a friendly lap on the top floor? You figure it out, Mariah. (And consider a career extending double diva tour with number eight on the list.)

P.S. I told you the cover of Rainbow wasn't sexy enough!