Rejection Lines

We've all been on the receiving end of those piss poor excuses that are intended to let us down easy. The human animal is such a cruel and vicious species that it can murder innocent people without remorse, turn a blind eye to the starving millions or steal a free cable hookup. Yet when it comes to rejecting another person's unwanted affections, we still can't find the gumption to utter the phrase "You're not good enough." Here are some of my favorite, or should I say least favorite ways of being told that Cupid only had one arrow left when he decided to shoot me in the ass.

1. "I don't think of you that way."

And what way is that? As someone who is not repulsive? And exactly how does this thought process work? Is it kind of a Shirts and Skins thing? "Okay, Shirts, get on that side of the line and stay there! Skins, on this side of the line and bring protection!"

2. "I just got out of a bad relationship and I need time to get over it."

This line is an almost certified guarantee that the woman who said it is gonna get deeply involved with the very next guy who makes a move on her after she rejected me.

3. "I'm through with relationships, period."

(Same as number three only the next relationship will come quicker and burn hotter.)

4. "Iíd hate to ruin our friendship."

Yes, itís always a bad idea to get involved with someone you already like. Better to take a chance on someone you hardly know. That way you can have a bad relationship, but still have someone to complain to about it.

5. "It's not you, it's me."

Whew! Thanks for making me feel better. I thought because you were jumping in the sack with everybody except me, that it was my fault. Glad you set me straight. (This one, by the way, also peaked at number three on the Break Up Line chart.)

6. "You donít know what Iím really like."

The old "Iím rejecting you for your own good" routine. Somehow the knowledge of this lurking dark side only makes me more attracted to someone. You know, like I could be the one to roll up my sleeves and wrestle those inner demons into submission. Silly rabbit.

7. "I can't make someone else happy until I'm happy with myself."

Loosely translated into a language we can all understand, "Blah blah blah blah, blibbity blah blah."

8. "The thought of seeing you naked frightens me."

Me too. But the only way we can conquer our fears is to get liquored up and confront them.

9. "Iíd only hurt you."

Yes, but isnít it better to have lost at love than never to have loved at all? Or was Socrates a big fat liar? Besides, you never really know until you try, right?. Or was Plato wrong, too?

10. "Listen you crazy bastard, stop showing up at my house at three in the morning or I'll call the cops!!"

See, more blantant dishonesty. They never call the cops.