Britney Spears is in heat! The cover photo for her sophomore album reveals a much more mature version of the sweet pop princess who graced the front of her first release, Baby One More Time. Yes, this girl is a woman now and she's serving notice that she and her belly button mean business the second time around. To help get the point across, the divine Miss Spears is also appearing on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine wearing a skimpy little red, white and blue leather top that some lucky RS reader can actually win! Imagine the kinky possibilities!!  Need further proof that Britney is serious about replacing Mariah Carey as America's favorite pop tart? The new album's called Oops! ...I Did It Again, which I believe is a reference to multiple orgasms.

It looks like the much rumored Beatles reunion will have to be put on hold for at least a little while longer. That's because Ringo is gonna be busy with another one of his All-Starr Band tours! Dave Edmunds, Jack Bruce and Eric Carmen will all be on board for the rock and roll equivalent of a Love Boat episode and just in case Ringo wants to bounce around at the edge of the stage for his With A Little Help From My Friends show stopper, the original drummer for Bad Company will be waiting in the wings! Sadly, a dispute over money will keep comedian George Carlin from joining the road show this summer, thus putting the kibosh on the much anticipated "Dueling Mr. Conductors" performance.

Just when you thought it was safe to get back on the internet... There's yet another copycat variant of the "I Love You" bug to worry about. This one is the "Everyone Says I Love You" virus and not only does it destroy files after it's opened, it does so while singing like Woody Allen. Experts warn that this new virus is tricky and that many of the computer users who have fallen victim to it were fooled into thinking they were opening some of Mr. Allen's earlier funny e-mails.

According to a reliable source (one of the tabloids), George W. Bush's presidential campaign is being backed by an alien from another planet. This raises an interesting dilemma: Do we vote Bush Junior into the White House and allow him to become a puppet ruler for those bug-eyed bastards from another galaxy? Or do we elect Al Gore and risk the chance of a horrific retaliation from the aliens? (Not to mention the horrific reality of having Al Gore as president.)

Kathy Lee Gifford, the woman who is leaving her daytime chatfest with Regis to escape the glare of media scrutiny, went on national television with her husband Frankie Lee Gifford and told Barbara Walters how they saved their marriage after Frankie got caught putting his penis in another woman. So does this mean she goes on those Carnival cruises because she wants to get away from water?

Do the cast members of Friends really want a million bucks each to do another season of their hit sitcom? Maybe someone should sit them down for a screening of all those really bad movies they made. Yeah, the Scream trilogy was a box office smash, but would have been even without the involvement of Miss Cox-Arquette. And Matthew Perry did all right teaming up with Bruce Willis on the big screen, but that doesn't erase the stink from the other turds he and the rest of the gang starred in. (Didn't one of them even make a buddy flick with a chimp?) Anyway, if that doesn't convince them they shouldn't risk losing a good thing, maybe someone should give them the phone numbers of some other former TV hot shits who drifted off into oblivion. Remember Shelley Long? And do you really think Gary Burghoff is much happier on those dinner theater tours?

I see that Jesus made the cover of TV Guide (May 6-12). You know, it's about time He got his own TV series. I mean, look at all the chances they gave Tom Arnold and the only miracle he ever performed was parting... sorry, don't wanna finish that one. I must say, I did find it amusing to pick up my copy of TV Guide and find "The Story of Jesus" printed on the spine. Somehow I overlooked the Cheers and Jeers section in the Old & New Testaments.

I thought the day would never come, but Boy Meets World has finally ended it's successful twenty-eight year run. And I can honestly say that I have yet to watch an entire episode of this TGIF classic. Now I'm not saying BMW wasn't a high priority program on ABC, but did you notice how they ended that sucker at the beginning of the sweeps period? Apparently they couldn't milk enough drama out of Cory & Topanga's torrid love story to sustain it for another three episodes.

Of course, ABC knew one surefire way to perk up it's ratings for the May Sweeps: Celebrity Week on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? However, I have to question some of their choices for celebrity contestants. For example, Dana Carvey? Sure he does a silly impression of Regis, but shouldn't someone have to do something in the public eye during the past couple of years to maintain their celebrity status? And was David Duchovny really there to win money for charity or was he just investigating the strange, unexplained appearance of the middle initial "L" in Vanessa Williams' professional name?

The American public can't seem to get enough of those TV biopics. Not only are they great vehicles of entertainment, but they also teach us so much about the show biz stars we've grown to love. Case in point, The Three Stooges. While they were making the nation laugh, they were crying on the inside. Who knew? Or John Denver. We only thought he was walking around with sunshine on his shoulder. Things weren't so "far out" for the Rocky Mountain boy in real life. He and his dad didn't communicate well, his marriage fell apart and after he died the best his life story could warrant was a TV movie starring Chad Lowe. (Which, by the way, totally glossed over Denver's stormy on again-off again relationship with the Muppets.)

All set to jump on the small screen biopic bandwagon are two versions of the controversial Brady Bunch true life story. First the Fox Network takes a look at the final days of the Bradys in a special TV mini-movie, which is exactly the same as a real TV movie but only one half it's regular running time. Later ABC gives us an insider's view of what it was really like behind the scenes of the popular sitcom with its adaptation of Barry Williams' revealing book Growing Up Brady (or Acting With A Boner). I'm sure we'll find out all about his hots for Marcia or what happened on his steamy date with Forence Henderson, but will this drama take that extra step and expose the truth behind Greg and Dad Brady's matching perms?

The Taking of Elian - One, Two, Three. Everyone can relax now. Like Peaches & Herb, Elian the Little Cuban Boy and his father have been reunited and it feels so good, but I would be remiss if I didn't throw in my two cents on how it all came down. (I mean, did they really give much thought to the idea of a Truth or Consequences type reunion hosted by Bob Barker?) Yes, once again we have shown that Americans know how to use force when absolutely necessary. Sure there are cynics who think that sending armed federal agents after a little tike who was expecting the Easter Bunny may have been a tad excessive, but there were reports that Elian was packing a sidearm. He was, but fortunately for all involved it was loaded with caps.

Yep, it must have been a frightening experience for The Little Cuban Boy to be looking down the barrel of a rifle, but it could have been a lot worse. What if Janet Reno decided to bust down the door herself and snatch up Elian? Talk about traumatic!! (And would the therapists have some little plastic Attorney General figures for Elian to play with to help determine whether there would be any lasting emotional scars??) No doubt about it, you're one tough hombre Janet Reno, but I don't think proving you had balls was ever much of an issue.

One thing the daring pre-dawn raid did was show us how lousy Elian was at hide-and-go-seek. Everybody knows the closet is always the first place they look after checking under the bed. Apparently, the boy had not become too familiar with American rituals and customs. So I guess he shouldn't have a lot of trouble reacquainting himself with the Cuban way of life. Let's just hope he didn't pick up any real bad habits and flip off Castro during the big "Welcome Home, America Stinks" celebration. Ah, Elian, I miss you already and you're not even gone. And wouldn't it have been a kick if The Little Cuban Boy replaced Kathy Lee as Regis' new daytime co-host?  What might have been.  Sigh.

A sad farewell of another kind goes out to Steve Reeves, the body builder turned actor who passed away this month at the age of 74. The handsome Mr. Universe made his film debut in Ed Wood's Jail Bait, but he will always be remembered best for his work in Italian films as the mighty Hercules, a man so strong he could toss boulders around like they were made of paper (and they were) or defeat a small army of film extras without breaking a sweat. This Greek super hero did have one weakness. Whenever he spoke, his words never seemed to be in sync with the movement of his lips. This was a result of dubbing the film into English but it never got in the way when it came to kissing the fair lady Hercules had just saved from a hideous mythological beast. I will always have fond childhood memories of watching these movies on television and then going outside to act them out with my friends. (Not to brag, but I was very good at pretending to lift something very heavy.) Your labors here are completed, Steve Reeves, but you will always have a place in the heart of LakinLand.

Fuck and Run- Volume 12 is right here in case you missed it...