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"You Said It Was Due Next Week" Edition I had me one of those "Iím back in high school again" nightmares the other night. Not the one where Iím in typing class and Iím not wearing pants. Wait, that wasnít a dream. Well, at least not the first time. Anyway, this was one of those nightmares where Iím supposed to hand in a long ass report complete with footnotes and a bibliography in about five minutes and I havenít even started writing it yet. Of course, I hurry like crazy and make the report up off the top of my head and somehow manage to get it done just in the nick of time. You know, like I did when I really was in high school.
First. Iíve gotta drag my butt off the couch and crawl over to my computer. (I find that walking erect is highly overrated, especially if Iíve spent the prior evening downing ten bottles of imported beer just because I wanted to use the empties as bowling pins.) Next, I plop down in a chair in front of the computer, turn the computer on (a step I often skip) and begin to compose my thoughts by hitting those keys with all the letters and numbers on them. After what seems like hours, but in reality is only two minutes, I pause to review my output. Okay, now this is the part I miss about writing on a typewriter. That moment of yanking the paper out, wadding it up and unsuccessfully tossing it into the wastebasket. You just donít get that same feeling of wasted effort by tapping a delete key. This brings up a very important point: I need to know what Iím writing about before I start to write about it. Yes, that does sound like an obvious thing, but somehow I manage to come up with this half cocked notion that I can create in a sort of free form improvisational style like Miles Davis played jazz. Unfortunately for me, Bip Bop Bop Bip Badda Bip Bop sounds much better coming from a trumpet than it looks on the written page. So what I need is a topic or, as in the case of this column, lots of topics.
Letís see, thereís another one of those historical Beatles anniversaries being drudged up by the media. You know, like itís been so many years since their first visit to America, or the release of Sgt. Pepper, or since Ringo did something that wasnít embarrassing. This time around weíre being reminded it was thirty years ago that The Beatles decided they didnít want to play together anymore. Is that something I really want to write about? Not that Iím one of those cry babies who mourn the day "the long and winding road" came to an abrupt dead end. I just get bored with all the speculation about what might have been if they stayed together or the predictable reunion rumors that circulate every time such a milestone is spotlighted. It doesnít help that the three remaining Beatles have come together and wrote a book about what happened all those years ago. It should be out this fall and Iíve heard it will cost around eighty bucks. At that price, I expect pop ups. Anyway, I donít really want to write about this either. At least not until actual tour dates are announced. And donít expect me to offer my views on the Diana Ross & The Scab Supremes tour! "Donít call it a reunion!" warns Diana, and sheís right. Without Mary Wilson or Cindy Birdsong delivering those background "baby, baby's," whatís the point? Well, besides the money. Nope, you're not gonna catch me paying top dollar to see replacement Supremes. That would be like watching Paul McCartney perform with the cast of Beatlemania. What the heck. This is old news anyways. Maybe I should try the Show & Tell approach... Well, I got this new remastered compact disc of Imagine by John Lennon and it sounds really good. This is the fourth time I bought this particular recording. First I got it on vinyl, then the import CD and then the American one, which sounded a little better than the import. I also got a new DVD called Gimme Some Truth. It shows how the Imagine album was made and it's really awesome. And I also got the brand new Flying Burrito Brothers anthology called Hot Burritos! Two CDs, 43 tracks. The stuff with Gram Parsons is essential for any serious music collector. The stuff without him helps keep the second disc from being really short. Hmmm, still not really gettin' anywhere with this, am I? A good rant would really pick up the tempo a bit, but I don't seem to have one in me. Uh, thinking. Still thinking. I got it! Where are the blue foods!? Nope, it's been done before. Sorry, there just isn't anything that's really ticking me off right now. Nothing that'll send me off on one of those foaming at mouth tirades peppered with colorful profanity and lots of exclamation points!!! Too bad I stopped watching Saturday Night Live. Let's see, what was the high point of my day? Umm...?? Oh yeah, I was standing in line at the drug store and saw a picture of Liz Hurley in a bikini on the cover of Glamour. That's it. No punch line. Just Liz Hurley in a bikini. Looking hot. "My pants are tight!!!" Sorry. What else? Mick Jagger is writing a movie script. Boring. The NFL held it's annual draft. Yawn! 'N SYNC sold more copies of their new album in one hour than all the other groups ever did since time began. Big deal. No more episodes of Cosby. What ever will I do?
Man, even that couldn't get the creative juices flowing. In fact, the harder I try to find inspiration, the less inspired I get. My motivation is almost completely gone as failed ideas leap over an imaginary fence, one at a time like sheep. 1, 2, 3, 4...Five minutes until class starts. 6...7... Eight O'clock and I've got get this thing done. I'll have to wing it. Just like in high school... Freshman English - Compare one of Shakespeare's plays to a contemporary work of drama. I would have to say that the 1969 television series The Mothers-In-Law is not unlike Shaekspeare's Romeo & Juliet. Both stories are about two very different families whose lives are intertwined by the love and marriage of their children. In Romeo & Juliet, it is the Monatgues and Capulets that are at odds. In The Mothers-In-Law the main conflict its between Kaye Ballard and Eve Arden, who don't see eye-to-eye on how the young newlyweds should go about their business. There are no suicides at the end of this modernized version of the Bard's work, but tragedy does strike when one of the fathers played by Roger C. Carmel is replaced by Richard Deacon and the show is canceled after only two seasons. American History - Pick a historical figure and explain his importance to the development of this country. The historical figure I would have to pick as my choice to write about would be Lenny Bruce. I mean, George Washington may have been the father of this country and helped free it from oppression by England and Abraham Lincoln was one far out cat who freed the slaves, but Lenny Bruce came along and freed our minds! Now that's some heavy shit, man. People were pretty uptight back then and Lenny laid down some ideas that were just way too hip for the times. That's why he got arrested so much. They said it was because of the dirty words he used, but the truth is they couldn't handle him speaking his mind, man. Lenny held this mirror up to society and showed them what was really going down and society just didn't dig it. So he turned to drugs and died before he could see the changes he helped bring about. Like today you can get away with saying a lot more dirty words, but you still get hassled for speaking your mind. Ask John Lennon. Power to the people! Impeach Nixon. Creative Writing - Write a 300 word essay on what you did during summer vacation. On my summer vacation this past summer I did very, very, very little. My family didn't go anywhere during summer vacation this past summer, so I just slept in late everyday, watched a lot of television and listened to my stereo the rest of the time. It was very, very, very cool. Except when I thought about how I'd have to go back to school again when summer vacation ended. That was a drag. It almost ruined my summer vacation this past summer, so I tried not to think about it or how I hated algebra very, very, very, very, very, very much. To summarize what I did on my summer vacation this past summer: I slept late every day, watched a very, very, very lot of TV.... Huh? What? I must have dozed off or something. Thank God I was only dreaming about having to write all that crappy homework. Yawn! Hey, wait a minute! I'm not wearing any pants! Oh well, that's okay. Neither is Karen Valentine. Fuck and Run- Volume 11 is right here in case you missed it... |
Why
this dream? Why not the one where Iím much better looking and Karen
Valentine has just agreed to marry me? Probably because Karen
Valentine hasnít been on television in ages and Iíve been
putting off writing this edition of F&R for what seems like almost
as long. I know what youíre thinking, how hard could it be to come up
with this crap? In fact, I often think that myself. But there is an art
to it.
I
could talk about the Little Cuban Boy and the efforts to either
reunite him with or keep him away from his father. Then again, I bet
everyoneís getting pretty tired of hearing about the Little Cuban
Boy and whatís gonna happen to him. I know I am. So no more
about the Little Cuban Boy until I see him throwing out
the first pitch at a Marlins game or getting a piggy back ride
from Fidel Castro.