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Howard Cosell must be rolling over in his grave. He wasn't too keen on the idea of ex-jocks taking up space in the NFL broadcast booth and now Monday Night Football, the franchise he helped build, has added not only another one of those to the announcing team, but also a stand-up comedian to boot! Former pro QB Dan Fouts (a good choice) will be the new color commentator joining play-by-play man Al Michaels at the mike and Dennis Miller will be on hand as the third wheel analyst. Yeah, I can just imagine the great insights the ex-anchor of SNL's Weekend Update will have to offer... "The Green Bay Packer's defensive secondary has more holes in it than the scripts for the last three Sylvester Stallone movies combined, but fortunately they're playing against a quarterback so new to the job that when he called an audible he got the receiver assignments confused with the fast food menu at his last place of employment and instead of sending the tailback in motion shouted out, "Would you like some fries with that?!" - causing the left tackle to forget the ambiguous "hut one, hut two" snap count and jump offside quicker than Ted Kennedy diving for a waitress after hearing the "last call" announcement at his favorite Capitol Hill restaurant and watering hole, the one where they let him wear the lobster bib even though he only ordered the Tip O'Neal deluxe chili dog platter." Whew! I get short of breath just typing that!! Of course, you know my solution to adding pizzazz to the Monday Night Football telecasts. It's the same solution I always have: Sandler & Young. Think of the possibilities when you have two guys who can be doing two different commentaries simultaneously! (And one of them in French!!) How's come this earth shattering tidbit didn't make it on Ted Turner's news channel? 24 hours a day and they still don't have time to pick up that Weekly World News story on the discovery of a 2000 year-old-letter written by Jesus Christ? Okay, maybe there are some little things casting doubt on the letter's authenticity. Like when Jesus refers to God as "his old man" and that little smiley face dotting the "i" in Christ. But you gotta let the public know about it, right? Celine Dione, the diva deluxe who put her career on hold at the beginning of the year to focus on her personal life, is tickled pregnancy test pink because she's gonna have a baby! Yes, she's pregnant all right and apparently this is nothing short of a miracle since she's been trying to get the bun in the oven for quite some time now. Maybe getting away from the stressful life of being a world class celebrity has helped in bringing about this joyous change of luck. Or could it just be God's way of saying, "Thanks for not singing." Prince William, that handsome scamp, just turned 18 and he likes it! Now he's a man with one of the world's greatest pickup lines: "I'm gonna be the King of England someday. Wanna hold my royal scepter?" Mike Tyson will have an interesting fight strategy should he ever get into the ring with Heavyweight Champion Lennox Lewis. He says he wants to eat Lewis' children. You know how it is. Once you've tasted human flesh, you just crave more and more. Unfortunately, all this negative publicity might put a crimp in Tyson's chances of picking up a choice gig as a greeter at a major Las Vegas casino when his "all you can eat" boxing career is over. Yusuf Islam, the artist formerly known as Cat Stevens, is giving interviews and telling reporters that he never really thought Salman Rushdie should be killed for writing The Santanic Verses. Maybe just blacklisted from the book of the month club. Anyway, these interviews just happen to coincide with his record label's campaign to reissue his albums in pristine new remastered versions. And there's even talk of a possible box set. Does this mean the Cat has found a way for his strong religious beliefs to coincide peacefully with the feeling that he's being followed by a Moon Shadow? In a scientific breakthrough, researchers wearing white lab coats have cracked the DNA code, but so far the only message they've been able to decipher is "Drink your Ovaltine." Still, this is a significant development and one day will help unlock such genetic mysteries as whether or not a person is destined to become "big boned" or just plain fat. Reality TV seems to be making a big comeback. Remember in the 80's when Real People started the trend towards shows that featured, well, real people, and gave entertainers like Sarah Purcell, Skip Stephenson and Bryron Allen a place to show up for work each week? And who could ever forget That's Incredible! - a show about real people who happened to be freaks. (And I'm not intentionally referring to the show's trio of hosts, John Davidson, Cathy Lee Crosby and scamblin' Fran Tarkenton.) Well, that kind of "people do the darndest things" entertainment is tame compared to what programmers have been coming up with lately... MTV, the music video channel that still occasionally plays music videos, gave us The Real World beginning in 1992. The concept for the show was simple. Take a bunch a very different people, put 'em together in an apartment, then turn on the cameras and watch the fun begin! As Atre Johnson might say, "Very interesting...but flawed." You don't wind up seeing how people actually react in real life situations. You see how they react in real life situations when they know they're being filmed. Ah, but we'll always have Puck. Now the drama and excitement have been turned up a few more notches with shows like Survivor and the upcoming Big Brother, two programs that combine the Peeping Tom appeal of The Real World with the prize winning enticement of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Survivor also has that Gilligan's Island meets Lord of the Flies blend to help make it a ratings sensation, and "Who will be voted off next?" is the hottest question since Regis began asking people to confirm their final answer. No, I haven't seen the show. But I heard they eat rats. Some organization looking out for the best interest of crazy people is causing a fuss over Jim Carey's latest tour de force. It seems Me, Myself & Irene doesn't do a very good job of depicting schizophrenics. If only the late Sam Kinison were alive today to say, "IT'S ONLY A FUCKING MOVIEEE!! OH OH OH, OH-H-H-H-H-H-!!!!" A&E promised us all new episodes of Biography in June and they delivered. But I've gotta wonder if they're starting to scrape the bottom of the barrel when they feature an in depth look at Henry "Fonzie" Winkler. And what did we learn about the actor who portrayed America's most lovable hoodlum? That he was dogged by being typecast as the character he played on Happy Days. Yeah, like somebody put a gun to his head and made him stick around for the whole eleven happy years. At least he's not a bitter midget like Gary Coleman. And he's beginning to make a comeback making movies with Adam Sandler and other people who used to carry Fonzie lunch boxes to grade school every day. Gotta also mention the Biography on Sam Phillips, the man and legend behind Sun Records. He said if he found a white man who could sing like a black man, he could make a million bucks. He found that man in the person of Elvis Presley and then sold his contract for 35 grand. (A stolen observation on my part, but such a good one it needs repeating.) Phillips also discovered Johnny Cash, Carl Perkins and Jerry Lewis and produced some of their greatest recordings. Not bad for someone who's a borderline wacko. (In a koo-koo kinda way.) Suggested listening for the week: Anything by the artists mentioned above that has the yellow Sun label on it. For me it's Johnny Cash - The Man In Black (1954-1958), a box sex issued by Bear Family Records in Germany. Five CDs chock full of Luther playin' the boogie. Maybe Martin Lawrence had the right idea when he put on foam breasts and women's clothing to star in his latest box office hit, Throw Big Mama's House From The Train. The American Film Institute has announced its list of America's 100 Funniest Movies and holding down the top two spots are films starring big name actors who go the drag route in order to get big laughs. Yes, Some Like It Hot was the winner and Tootsie placed, but Mrs. Doubtfire was unable to show, still making the list but finishing way down at the number 67 position. Movies starring Monty Python, the only comedians in drag that matter, didn't even make it to the starting gate because British speaking films were ruled ineligible. Some Like It Hot. Someone has got to sit me down, tie a bib around my neck and spoon feed me reasons why this Billy Wilder film is considered such a yukfest classic. I've never found it funny and have always felt uneasy about the Jack Lemmon-Joe E. Brown tryst that serves as a integral part of the film's zany misadventures. Sorry, I don't mean to be a drag, but one of the most overrated films of all time. The real funniest American movies? Numbers three through five on the AFI hot one hundred countdown make a pretty impressive comedy triad. Duck Soup (#5) starring The Marx Brothers may not be the best made film, and maybe that's why it's so damn hilarious. No one's worried about the perfect camera angle, just the biggest laughs. Annie Hall (#4) finds Woody Allen at that dividing point in his career when he was just finding out how to really direct a film but still knew how to go for the guffaws. Funny and brilliant, and because of the ingenious editing, it comes in such small portions. And Long Title: Dr. Strangelove Or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb. What a script! What an amazing piece of work by director Stanley Kubrick. Plus three of the greatest comedy performances of all time. And all three done by Peter Sellers. (None of them in drag.) When did Mel Brooks become a bigger comedy genius than Charlie Chaplin? The highest ranking Chaplin film clocks in at #25, but the "go for the groin" humor of Mr. Brooks was able to land three movies in the top 13. Blazing Saddles (#6) may have been a laugh riot when it was first released but doesn't hold up very well over the years. (Thanks in part to the cowardly decision to cast Cleavon Little in the role as the sheriff instead the edgier Richard Pyror - who also co-wrote the script.) The Producers is a funny concept ruined by the overacting of Zero Mostel, who for some reason always thought he was still on a Broadway stage whenever he made a movie, and Gene Wilder, whose "I'm hysterical and I'm wet" scene gets more and more irritating each time I see it. Wilder fares better in Young Frankenstein (#13), a film he helped write. And it's interesting to find out that he had to talk Brooks into filming one of the movie's funniest scenes, the song and dance routine with the monster. (Not Yiddish enough for his tastes, I guess.) By the way, Mel isn't even the funniest Brooks on the list. That honor goes to Albert (no relation, real name Einstein), who should have more entries than just Lost In America at #84. When Baron Von Frankenstein was piecing together his monster he must've stuck a funny bone in there somewhere, because the big guy pops up again on the list in Abbot & Costello Meet Frankenstein. Ah, who could ever forget the comedic magic of Bud & Lou... Lou: (Scared)
Ch-ch-ch-Chiiiiiiick!!!! Fuck and Run- Volume 14 is right here in case you missed it... |
