There are three things you never forget. Your first kiss, the last time you saw Paris, and Ringo Starr popping up in a Century 21 commercial. You know, "with a little help from his friends." And all Pete Best ever did wrong was not show up for a few gigs.

ABC announced it's fall schedule already, or as their new promotional slogan calls it "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? And Some Other Stuff." With Regis on four nights a week, Drew Carey getting a full hour for his improv hell and a movie eating up the entire Saturday night programming block, you get the feeling they weren't trying so hard to come up with some innovative ideas in the programming department. The big surprise is the departure of the ever popular TGIF lineup on Friday, the night when most Americans are too busy having a good time to watch television. Gone are teen pleasers like Sabrina the Teenage Witch and Boy Meets World and in their place are the more adult oriented sitcoms Two Guys & A Girl and Norm. Yeah, NBC has it's "Must See TV" on Thursdays and now ABC has it's "Shows We Didn't Cancel, We Just Put 'em On Fridays" campaign.

The X-Files on Fox and NBC's Friends will both be back next season thanks to some ninth inning negotiations with the stars of these programs. Although the contract still needs to be finalized, David Duchovny will return as Fox Mulder, but will only show up for half of the episodes. Maybe they could put Jay Mohr in the others and give him a chance to earn the money he got paid for his flop of a show called Action. Meanwhile, the cast mates of Friends didn't get their million bucks each but they got a nice salary bump just the same. And now the producers don't have to worry about rebuilding the entire show around Gunther the coffee shop guy.

Was I watching the NBA Playoffs or Wrestlemania?? Referees blowing calls and missing obvious fouls. (Probably distracted by Dyan Cannon up on the ring apron.) Flagrant body bumping and the obnoxious jawing and baiting by jobbers like Rick Fox, who's main claim to fame is being the husband of singer Vanessa Williams. And, the highlight of the Western Conference under card, Scottie "Macho Man" Pippen dropping the "Big Elbow" on the back of John Salley's head. "Oooh yeah!" The only thing missing from the festivities? The antics of Dennis "The Worm" Rodman, who was too busy giving etiquette lesson to John Rocker to attend.

There are four things you never forget. Your first kiss, last time you saw Paris, Ringo Starr in a Century 21 commercial and the promo NBC is running for The Michael Richards Show.  Pew with a capitol "P", I'm thinking. Man, I guess the network thought they owed Richards a favor for services rendered when they recycled this tired old premise about a nutty P.I. who solves cases by knocking things over and being a bumbling nuisance. Honestly, isn't it obvious that Richards should be off in a sitcom retirement home somewhere playing gin rummy with George Wendtand Richard Karn?

In case you missed it, The Artist said it's okay to call him Prince again. I guess that means we can stop trying to figure out how to pronounce that symbol he was using as his professional name. Ironically, on the same day actor-comedian George "Goober" Lindsey announced he now wishes to be known officially as "The Goob."

Indiana basketball coach Bob Knight says he's sorry. Awwwww!!! Yeah, sorry someone had a videotape of him choking a player. Then again, how conclusive was the tape? Looked an awful lot like Big Foot in a red sweater to me. Let's see...he physically attacked a player, tried to teach his team a lesson by comparing them to a "soiled" piece of toilet paper and, in general, acted like a total asshole. (What does he think he is - a shop teacher?) But since it takes a big man to say he's sorry, the University honchos consulted the slap on the wrist guidelines and decided to administer a warning, a fine and a three game suspension. (Plus, I think there may be a double secret probation in effect, but we don't know for sure because it's secret.) So now Coach Knight has to control his temper and not go flying off the handle when he doesn't get his big baby way. Fat chance. Remember what happened when Billy Jack tried that? Oh, and about that suspension, Bobby - just lie back and enjoy it.

Okay, make that five things you never forget. First kiss, last time you saw Paris, Ringo in a Century 21 commercial, the Michael Richards promo and the day you heard that Smashing Pumpkins was calling it quits. Boo-fucking-hoo. How many of you can even tell me what the name of their new albums is? Something about "The Macarena of the Gods"?? Yeah, nobody cares anymore. There's a new flavor of the month. Hey, Billy Corgan, save a seat on the bus to Oblivion for Fred Durst.

Wow, here's some big news! Super hot actress babe Elizabeth Hurley and suave horny actor Hugh Grant have decided to split up. Well, I guess they're saying they've agreed to separate for awhile. Pardon me if I seem a bit giddy about this major announcement. This now means the odds of me ever having sex with the lovely Miss Lizzy have gone down from an astronomical 978 trillion to one, to a mere 977,999,999,999,999.97 to one. (And that's before I get a haircut next Thursday!!)

Summer's here and that means fun in the sun and another Beach Boys tour. Well, sort of.  Yes, they'll be dance, dance, dancin' in the aisles all right but there won't be any of the Wilson Brothers on stage. Just Mike Love and Bruce Johnston. (Pause for the giggling to subside.) Meanwhile, Brian Wilson will be busy with his own "Pet Sounds" Symphony Tour, backed by a 55 piece orchestra. God only knows how cool that's gonna be! Hmm, Brian Wilson and an orchestra performing Pet Sounds or Love & Johnston singing surf songs. Kinda like choosing between fine caviar or a cat turd on a cracker. Now if you're looking for the Beach Boys spin off with two Wilsons on stage, you'll have to check out Al Jardine's Family & Friends Beach Band featuring Carnie and Wendy Wilson. And I think Billy Hinsche (Carl's brother-in-law and a former member of 60's pop group Dino, Desi & Billy) is also a part of the family fun. No word yet on whether or not Dr. Eugene Landy will put together a group of his own and take it on the road.

It's a bit sad that Michael J. Fox has left prime time television and Spin City. He's that rare talent that seems to fit perfectly on that small box in the living room, and I don't mean because he's shorter than most sitcom actors. Too bad his final episode of Spin City wasn't much to remember. Sure had that "make it up as you go along" feel to it. And did they really think it was funny to have the pop from Family Ties say the word "penis" numerous times? (It wasn't.) Oh well, at least it wasn't a long overblown mess like some farewell shows. (Remember the M*A*S*H marathon?) Plus the series itself isn't going off the air. It'll be back next fall with all new episodes and Charlie Sheen occupying the star's dressing room. (He's already made a request to have the mirrors and fixtures raised ten inches.)

Oh, and one last thing you never forget. The look of sheer joy on Tito Puente's face as he and his band played their music. Sadly, the true Mambo King passed away last week and he will no longer be around in person to remind us what the real Latin sound was all about. No, he didn't shake his hips like Ricky Martin, have a body to die for like Jennifer Lopez or score a mega hit like Lou Bega did with Mambo #5. He just had a unmatched feel and passion for the rhythm of his music. It's no wonder Bill Murray's character in Stripes was perfectly happy to lie around his apartment all day and listen to his Tito Puente records.

Fuck and Run- Volume 13 is right here in case you missed it...