Dannyís Movie Guide IX

ANTITRUST

Computer genius boy meets big fat computer company. Computer genius boys goes to work for big fat computer company. Big fat computer company turns out to be evil. Film reviewer loses interest and gets another beer out of the fridge.

DOUBLE TAKE

A straighted-laced successful dude finds himself in trouble and must depend on a wisecracking petty thief to help him clear his name. To paraphrase Albert Brooks, "It can't be a clichÈ, everybody's done it!" The premise is tired and worn, but at least this retread doesn't have Chris Tucker in it.

FINDING FORRESTER

Sean Connery is a Pulitzer Prize winning novelist who lives a secluded life. In other words, he's too smart to wanna hang out with the rest of us and who can blame him. Along comes a prep school basketball star, whoís black and too smart to hang out with the white kids that donít understand him. The two hook up, sparks fly and in the process they both learn something from one another. Either that or Connery sinks a three pointer to win the big game at the buzzer.

HANNIBAL

The one person you don't wanna yell "Eat Me" at is back and this time he's free to be like you and me. Anthony Hopkins reprises his Oscar winning role as the wily flesh eater and to lure him out of hiding it's gonna take some kind of inspired trickery. First, there's Julianne Moore replacing Jodie Foster as the FBI agent who matched wits with Hannibal in Silence of the Lambs. That oughta confuse him a bit. And there's also a new director on board for this sequel. Jonathan Demme said "nuh-uh" and so Ridley Scott of Gladiator fame signed on to call the shots. Despite all of this confusion, my money's on Hannibal to outsmart everybody and come out on top. And that could only mean one thing. A third installment of the Hannibal Lecter saga. Only next time it's pot luck and personal.

THE HOUSE OF MIRTH

First, beware of a movie with the word "mirth" in the title. It means fun to people who are stuffy and boring. Second, this film does indeed sound stuffy and boring, despite the fact that it stars Gillian Anderson of The X-Files, a TV show that is just boring. Letís see, Anderson is a socialite who is trapped in the uppity New York social world... zzzzzzzzz. Sorry, dozed off a second. And it all takes place about a hundred years ago... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

OH BROTHER, WHERE ART THOU?

How's come whenever someone says ëThe Coen Brothersí I get the feeling it's supposed to mean something to me? It doesn't. And I don't care much for George Clooney's silly Clark Gable mustache either. In fact, I don't care much for George Clooney period since The Facts of Life got canceled.

THE PLEDGE

Jack Nicholson plays a homicide detective who gets wound up in a murder case on his last day on the job. What luck. Some bastard has murdered a child and Jack promises the kid's mother he won't rest or go to another Lakers game until the case is solved. Sean Penn directed this dark and disturbing mystery thriller that at best falls into the category of "engrossing." Sorry, being engrossed is something my short attention span canít handle anymore. Itís hard enough for me to make it through a half hour of Friends just to find out if Chandler really is the one who left the cap off the toothpaste.

SAVE THE LAST DANCE

A white suburban ballerina with a heavy heart meets a black inner city hip-hopper. And when the homeboy starts showing the tutu tootsie how to use her ballerina moves on the dance floor, I can't help but think of that movie where the hockey player and figure skater become partners and fall in love despite their vast differences and somebody please stop me before I puke.

SHADOW OF THE VAMPIRE

Hereís a movie that actually looks like it might be pretty cool. Itís about the filming of a real movie that was made back in 1922 and it tosses in an usual "what if" to help make the concept intriguing and hopefully entertaining. The movie is the classic silent horror film Nosferatu, the legendary tale of a vampire who must sleep during the day and suck human blood at night in order to live a normal undead life. The "what if" is what if Max Schreck, the actor playing the part of the original bat man, gave a convincing performance in the role only because he was actually a real life vampire. William Dafoe portrays Schreck in Shadow of the Vampire and itís the type of scene stealing role thatís earning him the most kudos heís received since he starred as the good side of the force in Oliver Stoneís Platoon. Hmm, could it be Dafoe is so convincing because heís actually a real life vampire, too. Or maybe he just picked up a few pointers on the art of blood sucking by hanging out in Hollywood.

SNATCH

This movie is directed by Madonnaís husband but the title isn't a reference to the Material Girl. To be honest, I read the film's premise three or four times and I'm still not sure what it's about. There's a lot of plot twists and a bunch of double crosses, so it's kinda hard to follow. Perhaps that's the charm of the whole thing. Sort of a grubby British version of The Sting, I guess. Brad Pitt, who just got married to Jennifer Aniston (in real life, not the movie) plays a bare fisted boxer who won't throw a bout and thus finds himself at odds with a mob boss. As we have learned from watching other movies, being at odds with a mob boss usually leads to bad stuff. But it can also be fun. Okay, I've had to think about this one too much and my brain hurts. (That means thumbs down and get me an aspirin.)

SUGAR & SPICE

"Hi, we're high school cheerleaders and we rob banks." Yeah, extra curricular activities donít hurt when you're trying to get into a good college. Now if you can only do the splits while taking out the security camera, I think you may be Harvard material.

TRAFFIC

Drugs are bad. People who bring them into the country are naughty. And Catherine Zeta-Jones is a hot babe. Toss in a drug hater played by the hot babe's real life husband (Michael Douglas) and you've got yourself a film that's getting a lot of pre-Oscar buzz.

TWO NINAS

I think this is a film version of The Two Ronnies, only with chicks. Doesn't sound like a good idea to me.

VALENTINE

Four snooty college tootsies make fun of a geek boy at school and since this is a horror film, I think you know where itís headed. The geek comes back on Valentineís Day and seeks bloody retribution. I guess a movie about a guy who gets revenge by starting his own web site and posting satirical nasty things about the girls who rejected him wouldn't be very commercial.

THE WEDDING PLANNER

Who knew the people who work at weddings could be so much fun? First, there was Adam Sandler as The Wedding Singer and now hereís sex bomb Jennifer Lopez taking a job as the title character in this flick. Perhaps itís all part of a trilogy to be capped off with The Wedding Cake Decorator, a zany comedy romp about a love starved pastry chef looking for a man that can please her as much as one of those things she uses to squeeze frosting onto the cakes. Anyway, in this movie Lopez is a woman who is way too busy planning other peopleís weddings to find a guy of her own to walk down the aisle with. That is, until she meets a really swell hunk played by Matthew McConaughey. Thereís just one cute little problem. Heís the groom in one of the weddings Lopez is planning! Yeah, sounds like an episode of Love American Style to me, too. Only without Ruth Buzzi playing the crazy aunt with the hiccups.