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Time for all the studios to haul out their big money makers and Oscar hopefuls. Donít ask me why, but people flock to the movie theaters during the holidays and the battle for the box office bucks reaches a frenzied peak. Jobs are on the line, Buster, and how these movies rake in the dough determines who will be selecting drapes for their new office and who should start updating those old resumes. As for me, it means thereís a lot more films out there for me to review, which could be a major inconvenience if I actually had to see them all. Sorry, but this time of year the lines are longer and the people waiting in them are more annoying. Arenít you glad youíve got someone like me to convince you itís not worth the hassle?
Matt Damon isnít one of the horses in the title, but heís still pretty. This is one of those coming of age, self discovery stories ... pick up the dry cleaning, get a carton of milk ... whoops, my mind began to wander for a second. Anyway, Damon and his buddy (Henry Thomas) head out west right after WWII in search of adventure. They also stumble across Penelope Cruz (she is hard to miss) and Damon immediately gets horny for her. But it is a forbidden horny since she is the daughter of a wealthy Mexican land owner. In a nutshell, shit happens. What amazes me most about this movie is Billy Bob Thornton was able to keep his hands off Angelina Jolie long enough to direct it.
Tom Hanks stars in this modern day Robinson Caruso tale of survival. He starts out as a handsome, sharply dressed workaholic executive and winds up looking like the guy who opens each Monty Python show by saying, "Itís." Directed by Robert Zemeckis, so you canít dismiss it as just an ego trip for the two time Oscar winning Hanks, who has the majority of the screen time all to himself. Helen "I want to be in every movie" Hunt is also on board as the worried fiancÈ back home. CHOCOLAT I donít care how good this movie is or what itís about. The missing ëeí at the end of the title bugs me too much to even consider seeing it.
It took me a while to figure out that this was a movie and not a Chinese restaurant when I read about it in the entertainment section. "Iíll have the Chow Yun-Fat and a side order of Chang Chen." However, the buzz on this film is very positive and it could be a contender come Oscar time. A love story with some serious martial arts butt kicking tossed in for good measure. DR. SUESSí A FUNNY THING HAPPENED TO THE GRINCH WHILE HE WAS TRYING TO STEAL CHRISTMAS Sorry, Dr. Suess, once youíre dead your family can do whatever they want with your books, including let Jim Carey run amok in a filmed version of your holiday classic. That is, if itís really Jim Carey under all that green make-up and fur. And, assuming that it is, how much extra did they have to pay the set designers to repair the scenery between takes after Carey was through chewing it? But the real reason Iím skeptical about this movie can be summed up in four words: Directed by Ron Howard. Am I the only one who thinks Opie Cunnighamís films tend to plod along like a TV movie of the week with a lot bigger budget? Yeah, I know Ronís a nice guy and he keeps his freaky little brother off of the unemployment line, but does he really deserve to be mentioned in the same breath as Martin Scorsese, Woody Allen or Jerry Paris when it comes to great American directors? (I vote "no") And finally, a simple rule of thumb is "you donít fuck with the classics." The film vaults are littered with the bodies of those who tried to top Mr. Magoo in Dickensí "A Christmas Carol." Perhaps the makers of this film should have been forewarned. DUNGEONS & DRAGONS You loved the role playing game, now idly sit back and watch the movie. Then let me know which is more idiotic. THE EMPERORíS NEW GROOVE I guess Disney couldnít do the whole "New Clothes" slant on this one, considering there would be nudity involved. Real life stun gun victim David Spade provides the voice of the emperor, who is turned into a llama and must find a way to restore himself back to his human form. (Wow, being a llama must be pretty bad if he wants to go back to being a cartoon version of David Spade!) John Goodman, Patrick Warburton and Eartha Kitt also lend their vocal chords to the proceeding. And Sting is the latest pop star to become so boring that he has to resort to writing the songs for such animated nonsense. Do I sense another second place finish for Randy Newman at the next Oscars? THE FAMILY MAN Not to be confused with TVís animated The Family Guy. Nicholas Cage is a bachelor stockbroker who chose success over love but one day wakes up to find heís married to Tea Leoni. Hey, that ainít bad. Of course, nothingís really that simple and hilarity is bound to run wild in this zany combination of Itís a Wonderful Life and a Talking Heads song. GET CARTER Sorry, I blinked and missed this one. But do you really need me to warn you not to go see a Sylvester Stallone movie? This time Rocky Rambo is a Vegas mob enforcer who tries to find out the truth behind his brotherís mysterious death. This is the second remake of a film that originally starred Michael Caine and we can only hope that it doesnít start a trend of Sylvester Stallone reprising all of Caineís film portrayals. ("Yo, itís me, Alfie.) What Iíd really like to see is a movie explaining why Stallone still has a film career. There could be a great scene where the producer has a drug induced hallucination telling him that Stallone is a viable box office draw or a great spit take opportunity when investors hear about the plans to make Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot Again. Get Carter? Get real. A HARD DAYíS NIGHT Restored negative. Digitally remastered soundtrack. Re-released in theaters to be seen on the big screen in glorious black & white. (Note to editor: Insert endless gushing here.) MISS CONGENIALITY Terrorists have targeted a beauty pageant. This way they can cause trouble and ogle babes at the same time. Sandra Bullock is the FBI agent who must stop them while posing as one of the babes. Yeah, sounds like a Charlieís Angels plot to me, too. But at least you get to see Miss Bullock compete in the swimsuit competition and wear a really tight fitting dress. Michael "Here I Am Again" Caine also shows up for more precious screen time. 102 DALMATIANS No, thatís not dog poop you smell. Itís the merchandising possibilities. What better reason to create a sequel to a film aimed mainly at kids? Glenn Close is back and so are all 101 spotted mutts from the original canine classic. Plus, as the title insinuates, thereís one more pup to tug on your heart strings (and add new toys to the holiday market). Only this one ainít got any spots. (There could be a message about ëbeing differentí tossed in for good measure, so watch out.) Well, I guess if you really get bored, you can always go to this movie and count all the dogs to make sure there really are 102. And then you can count all the spots. PROOF OF LIFE Meg Ryan and Russell Crowe. The wife of a kidnapped business man gets the hots for the hostage negotiator she hires to help rescue her husband. Wow, being unfaithful and fooling around with a man sheís working with. What a stretch for the Megster.
This is a fictional account of the last unknown years of the Marquis de Sade. So, in other words, itís made up. Even more so than a movie "based on a true story" or any recent Disney animated film adapted from another source. Geoffrey Rush stars as the famous writer and sex wacko who is forced to live out the remainder on his life in an asylum. Also starring Kate Winslet, Joaquin Phoenix and the ever present Michael Caine in his 1,957th film role. This movie sounds haughty enough to scrape up a few Oscar nominations, so donít be surprised to see more celluloid concoctions based on real people. Perhaps the final years of Adolph Hitler with Anthony Hopkins (or Woody Harrelson) as der Fuhrer, living secretly in Austria as a carefree puppeteer who becomes the first in his field to carve his puppets entirely out of strudel. THE SIXTH DAY An action-thriller starring der Arnold as a man who discovers heís been replaced by a clone. Naturally, the authentic Arnold must be killed in order for the whole clone replacement thing to work properly and thatís where the fun begins. Arnold has to defeat the bad guys while theyíre trying to have him bumped off. I believe the working title for this flick was Same Old Shit. THIRTEEN DAYS Another epic centering on John F. Kennedy and starring Kevin Costner. This time around, Costner isnít trying to figure out who killed the president, heís helping him decide what to do about those naughty missiles in Cuba. Since Oliver Stoneís name isnít in the credits, I can assume they stick to what really happened and thus we already know how everything turns outs. (The commies blink.) UNBREAKABLE The director from The Sixth Sense (donít make me look up his name) tabs Bruce Willis again to star in his latest supernatural thriller. This time Willis is a man whoís never been sick a day in his life and comes out of a big train wreck with nary a scratch. Then along comes Samuel L. Jackson as a comic book dealer whoís one weak ass mother fucker. "Whatís up with that?" Sam wants to know and Bruce doesnít have a clue. Blah-blah-blah...surpirse ending and hopefully Lou Christie jumps out of a big box and sings, "Lightning striking agaaaaain!" VERTICAL LIMIT Simple lesson to be learned. Stay off mountains and this kinda shit wonít happen to you. WES CRAVEN PRESENTS: DRACULA 2000 Be wary of films whose title include the producerís name. And be extra cautious when thereís a year tagged on to boot. Okay, so hereís the notorious blood sucker one more time and one more time heís given a contemporary spin. After being imprisoned for many years, Drac escapes and decides to seek nasty revenge on the gene link to the man who locked him up. Didnít I say something earlier about not fucking with the classics? I think I meant it.
Mel Gibson stars as an ad man who can suddenly read womenís minds, thus giving him an amazing advantage in coming up with new ad campaigns aimed at the fairer sex. Wait, didnít this happen on Bewitched thirty years ago? (I think Endora put a spell on Durwood to show what a jerk heíd turn into if he became really successful.) Helen Hunt costars as Melís boss, and I believe the number of movies sheís appeared in this year has now earned her the title as ëthe female Michael Caine.í WHAT WOMEN DONíT WANT The true story of a grouchy web site co-creator and writer who writes reviews about movies he doesnít see and believes that aliens sneak into his bedroom at night and throw the covers on the floor. Helen Hunt costars as the woman who wants to be "just friends" and Michael Caine has an Oscar caliber cameo as the owner of a naughty book shop.
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Dannyís
Movie Guide 
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AWAY
CROUCHING
TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON
QUILLS
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