I have switched to using Roman numerals for the Movie Guide because it implies importance. You know, like the Super Bowl or a Rocky movie. It also makes me look smarter, which in turn helps to add an illusion of credibility to my reviews. Of course, I could just go and watch all the movies before I review them and pick up some credibility that way, but why bother? The Roman numeral thing is a whole lot easier and cheaper.

ALMOST FAMOUS
Itís 1973. Rock music is still being played with guitars and Rolling Stone Magazine is still a respectable publication. A young aspiring rock journalist is assigned to tour with a band on the verge of stardom and write articles that wonít be squeezed in between fashion ads. Times sure have changed. The last movie about a Rolling Stone writer featured John Travolta as a reporter who invaded the world of aerobics to pen an expose on the health club craze in 1985. And Iím thinking someday theyíll be a film detailing a frustrated R.S. muckrakerís attempt to get proof of Ricky Martinís true sexual preference. But for now we have Almost Famous and I almost went to see this movie the other day until I realized Iíd have to stop at the bank machine first and then hurry to make the next showing. Too much fuss. But I really do wanna see this movie, even if it is being hawked as the latest effort by the writer/director of Jerry Maguire.

AUTUMN IN NEW YORK
Richard Gere and Winona Ryder doing it. Doesnít sound right to me. And itís not just an age thing. Well, thatís part of it. I mean, Winona Ryder is old enough to know better. Maybe she just thought this movie would juice her career the way Pretty Woman did Julia Robertís. Then again, that was a "feel good" movie that had a happy ending. This one is about two people who fall in love, but one of them is dying. Yeah, kinda sad. But not as sad as two people falling in love and then going to see this movie.

BAIT
Another unfunny alumni of In Living Color in another unfunny movie. Thatís what Iím thinking when I see the previews for this "hip" new comedy starring Jamie Foxx as the title character. Letís see, thereís a big heist and the only way to catch the crooks is to spring Foxx from jail and use him as a human lure. Yeah, thatís sounds like a good plan. Everybody knows that even the smartest bad guys canít resist a wisecracking con, especially when heís a hapless stooge.

BEAUTIFUL
Itís not easy for a woman to win a major beauty pageant when sheís the mommy of an illegitimate child, especially when that child is the annoying little brat from those Pepsi commercials. You know, the ones where the kid canít have her favorite soda so she opens her mouth and Joe Pesciís voice comes out. Or the one where sheís dancing around like sheís Soul Rugrat #1 and Aretha Franklin shouts out "You go, girl!" Well, now hereís your chance to see a whole movieís worth of her unabashed cuteness. This film also marks the directorial debut of Academy Award winning actress Sally Field. From what I hear this movie doesnít quite take off like the nun Sally played on TV and most of the blame is being place on the person calling, "Action!" So just in case sheís missing the point: They donít like it. They really donít like it.

BRING IT ON
A movie about cheerleaders but itís only rated PG-13. Whatís the fun in that? Well, at least Bring It On has something you wonít find in most cheerleader movies: a plot. It seems the white girl championship rah-rah squad made it to the top of the pyramid by stealing their best moves from the inner city black cheer leading squad. Man, doesnít that smack of Pat Boone ripping off Little Richard all over again!  Anyway, I smell some retribution brewing, but unless it spills over into the girlsí shower, Iím not interested.

THE CREW
The latest film based on the popular premise that "old dudes are funny" - especially when theyíre doing things that old dudes shouldnít be doing. This time around the geriatric bunch is led by Burt Reynolds and Richard Dreyfuss, who play former mobsters facing eviction from a senior citizen hotel in South Beach, Miami. It seems management wants to toss the old folks out and replace them with tenants who arenít on fixed incomes. Thereís only one thing that can stop this from happening: a caper! So along with Nick Tortelli from Cheers and another guy, Reynolds and Dreyfuss come up with a screwball plan to save their home from the evil money grubbers. Just make sure thereís plenty of old geezer sex jokes and I think weíll all be happy.

DUETS
Okay, Iím not making any of this up. The plot of this film revolves around six people who are trying to make their dreams come true by winning a big karaoke contest in Omaha, Nebraska, and it stars Huey Lewis as an unhappy karaoke hustler and the father of a Vegas showgirl played by Academy Award winner Gwyneth Paltrow. Well, at least it gave Lewis something to do in between gigs singing the national anthem at various bay area sporting events. But what made Paltrow decide to take part in this dud? Oh yeah, itís directed by her father. ëNuff said.

THE EXORCIST
Man, theyíre even showing reruns in the movie theaters now. But what a rerun! Linda Blair stars as the head spinning, pea soup spewing adolescent who brought new meaning to the phrase, "The devil made me do it!" One of the scariest movies ever made when first released, the big question mark is whether or not it holds up after all these years. I mean, with the advancement of computer technology, the film industry has developed newer and more expensive ways to make a vomit attack look authentic. Well, Iím guessing they wouldnít have given this movie a big screen second coming if it didnít pass muster. Plus itís been spruced up and includes never-before-seen restored footage. (But how did they restore it without seeing it?) Yeah, Iím thinking this is a cool trip. Why pay to check out the new Urban Legends flick when you can see this classic instead.

HIGHLANDER: END GAME
If Immortals trying to behead each other is your idea of entertainment, then youíre probably already familiar with the Highlander movie series and TV show. Iím not. This is the fourth film and I have yet to see any of the first three. Draw your own conclusion.

MEET THE PARENTS
Itís no big shocker that Iím tired of Ben Stillerís act, even though I did laugh a lot during Thereís Something About Mary. What does surprise me is that Iím getting kinda bored with Robert DeNiro. Whatíd he do, attend the Michael Caine Academy of Acting? (Where the only lesson is, "Never turn down a part.") Here he plays a suspicious daddy, a former CIA agent who uses his old job skills to help put his daughterís boyfriend through the ringer. Stiller is the boyfriend and if you like watching him stammer, stumble and squirm for an hour and a half, this is your kind of cinema. As for me, I canít help but think what Raging Bull would have been like if Jerry Stiller had played the part of Jake LaMottaís brother.

NURSE BETTY
Whoa, Nurse Betty (Bam-ba-Lam) Whoa, Nurse Betty (Bam-ba-Lam) Nurse Betty has a husband (Bam-ba-Lam) Got murdered by some hitmen (Bam-ba-Lam) She said, "A soap star Iíll find (Bam-ba-Lam) The damn girl lost her mind (Bam-ba-Lam). Rene Zellweger, Chris Rock, Morgan Freeman and Greg Kinear star in this offbeat comedy, which may actually be pretty good. Iíll put it on my list of movies to have my friends rent and invite me over to watch.

THE ORIGINAL KINGS OF COMEDY
I thought I saw the Original Kings of Comedy when I watched Jerry Lewis, Shecky Greene and Norm Crosby do their tribute to Henny Youngman on the Labor Day Telethon, but I guess Spike Lee thinks differently. This performance film features the standup comedic talents of Steve Harvey, D.L. Hugley, Bernie Mac and Cedric the Entertainer, but I have a problem with this "joint" even if these four guys are a laugh riot. Why should I go to a movie theater and pay money to see a show I should be getting someone to tape me off HBO© for free?

REMEMBER THE TITANS
This is not a sequel to the 1981 film Clash of the Titans, which featured Sir Laurence Olivier in a memorable (read: laughable) role as the almighty Zeus. Instead this is a football movie that is more than just a football movie. No really, Iím serious. Denzel Washington stars as the black head coach of a racially mixed high school football team in the south, circa 1971. Sort of a big screen flip-flopped version of TVís The White Shadow. Based on a true story, which means itís been slicked up for dramatic purposes, this movie is being promoted more as a tale about winning respect than it is about winning football games. But, of course, getting that respect is always a lot easier when youíre not a big fat loser. And since Denzel Washington is not a big fat loser, Iím thinking Remember the Titans is well worth a look-see. (As a rental with a friend going halvsies.)

THE REPLACEMENTS
Remember how lame pro football was when the NFL union went on strike and the games were played by replacement players? If not, then this movie should refresh your memory. Yeah, the big boys are doing their Norma Rae thing and itís up to a bunch of wacky scabs to cross the picket line and play for the love of the game instead of fat paychecks. Keanu Reeves stars as the hard luck quarterback who couldíve been a contender and now has one last chance to prove himself. Gene Hackman is the coach who has to lead the misfit team to victory. And Orlando Jones is the really fast receiver who has just one little weakness: he canít catch a football. (Thatíll make it hard to put a 7 Up on your scoreboard!) Gosh, I hope these grid iron castoffs are good enough to make it to "the big game." Youíll have to let me know. Iíll be home watching the Marx Brothers lead Huxley to victory in Horse Feathers.

URBAN LEGENDS: FINAL CUT
While a student filmmaker works on her film thesis based on Urban Legends, her fellow crew members are getting bumped off one by one. Sure, theyíll cancel classes for snow days or if the air conditioner is on the fritz, but itís business as usual if some mad man is lurking about and killing people. If youíre just barely under or over the age required for admittance to this latest slasher epic, it might fulfill your expectations for suspense. Go, scream, enjoy. Just donít come to work the next day and bore your sensible coworkers by retelling the entire plot in excruciating detail with sentences that seem to always begin with, "and then he goes..."

THE WATCHER
James Spader is an FBI agent. Keanu Reeves is the serial killer who taunts him with photos of his victims. Not only is Spader frustrated by his inability to stop Reeves from killing, heís also appalled by the murdererís poor use of light and composition. If nothing else, this flick gives Keanu an opportunity to display his versatility as a movie star.

WOMAN ON TOP
Penelope Cruz stars and the title means what you think it means. But thereís more to this movie than just hot sex. This is the cinematic effort that finally mines the comedic possibilities of motion sickness and combines it with cooking. And, of course, there is Penelope Cruz, who is really hot.