Sequels, remakes and dumb comedies are in full force, so it must still be summer. Who will win out when its time to tally up the box office receipts? Hard to tell when such heavy hitters as giant dinosaurs, ruling class apes and Marlon Brando take turns filling up the big screen. And with no less than three sequels having the number 2 attached at the end of their titles, Iím wondering if Big Bird and the gang from Sesame Street should be doing this edition of the movie guide instead of yours truly. Todayís number is 2, brought to you by the letters "P" and "U."

What happens to horny teenage boys when they get older? They become horny college students. At one point in this movie Jason Biggs super glues his hand to his naughty bits, apparently while enjoying a porno video. This leads to an embarrassing situation when he calls 911 for help and I think you can guess the rest. Yup, thereís something about this comic predicament that sounds all too familiar. And if you canít figure it out, go ask Mary.

AMERICAN SWEETHEARTS
John Cusack, one of our favorite film actors, is the unlikely star of this major release romantic comedy - the type of movie we normally wouldnít go see but we have to because itís got John Cusack in it. Thatís our boy all right caught between Catherine Zeta-Jones and Julia Roberts in your typical big screen love triangle. Billy Crystal is also on hand to make Cusackís appearance in the film seem even more surreal, but we canít begrudge Chicagoís very own for stepping into the spotlight and taking a shot at mainstream acceptance - just as long as he keeps making those smaller films we dig like High Fidelity and Being John Malkovich.

APOCALYPSE NOW REDUX
You know the story. A renegade leader and his followers set up camp in the dark jungle and shut themselves off from the outside world. Shunning authority, the brilliant madman follows his own vision until everything begins to spiral out of control and someone must stop him before itís too late and all becomes lost. Okay, enough about the making of the film. Francis Ford Coppolaís Apocalypse Now is back in theaters with more footage added and that could only mean one thing. More bathroom breaks. Fans of the classic Vietnam War epic are no doubt giddy over this new extended version, but Iím somewhat skeptical. Like the old saying goes - itís not how long you make it, itís how you make it long. Besides, they still left out the crucial scene where Captain Willard attempts to assassinate Colonel Kurtz with an exploding hand puppet.

BUBBLE BOY
A dumbass finds out the woman he loves is gonna get married, so he decides to track her down and stop the wedding. But, you see, this dumbass is highly susceptible to germs and has to live inside a plastic bubble or die. Imagine the comic possibilities as he climbs into his giant mobile Socker Bopper and sets off on his own personal impossible journey!! Certainly not OscarÆ material but something to occupy your mind until a Joe Dirt sequel is released.

CAPTAIN CORELLIíS MANDOLIN
A simple rule of thumb: Stay away from movies with the word "mandolin" in the title. Or a movie adapted from a novel written by a guy with a foreign name. Or a love story with Nicolas Cage in it. There, three rules of thumb.

THE CURSE OF THE JADE SCORPION
Oh, that Woody Allen! He saw Jack Nicholson cavorting around with Helen Hunt in As Good As It Gets and figured heíd also take a stab at playing opposite the attractive young OscarÆ winner who is younger than most of his liver spots. Seriously, Wood-man, you're really old. Donít let the bedroom games of freeze tag with Soon-Yi fool you. At least the old Jewish fusspot still knows how to deliver a funny line. Letís just hope he avoids the obligatory boxer short scene.

FINAL FANTASY: THE SPIRITS WITHIN
This is a computer animated thing, so technically I donít consider it a movie and feel no obligation to review it. Yeah, I know. The people in it look soooo real. And they donít demand a cut when it comes to the merchandising.

JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK
The good news is these two funny guys finally got their own movie. The bad news is itís also their swan song. Director Kevin Smith, who plays Silent Bob, says he wants to retire the comic pair before they overstay their welcome and thatís not such a bad idea. Better to go out on top than hang around and become a parody of yourselves. Just ask Donny and Marie.

JURASSIC PARK III
When are people gonna learn to stay the hell away from this place? There are dinosaurs there and they like to chow down on human meat. Wait, has anyone tried calling "kings" when the prehistoric eating machines start attacking? The main selling point of this film is the promise of an old dinosaur bigger than T. Rex. What, David Bowie shows up?

LEGALLY BLONDE
Sheís a blonde Beverly Hills sorority girl who goes to Harvard and winds up solving a murder case. If one of the major TV networks (or Fox) isnít already whipping up a sitcom version of this one, Iíd be surprised. Itís just too bad Christina Applegateís too old for the part.

MADE
Two aspiring boxers get involved in a money laundering scheme with a section of the mob that is so lower level it has Peter Falk as a boss. No, it doesnít quite sound like Goodfellas or The Sopranos (or even Robin and the 7 Hoods), so you might wanna make this a feature you can refuse. Plus I think it has Puffa Puffa Daddy Rice in it, so thatís another good reason to take a pass.

OSMOSIS JONES
Man, I hate it when they make movies that are half live action and half cartoon. It totally destroys the illusion I need to immerse myself in the filmís reality. Plus, these kind of movies usually turn out to be stinky. Remember Peteís Dragon? Phew! Not for one minute did I believe that hideous creature was interacting with the real actors in the film. Of course, Iím referring to Helen Reddy, but the Dragon was pretty fakey, too. And remember The Incredible Mr. Limpet starring Don Knotts as a guy who turns into a fish and becomes a war hero? But then he canít go back to being a human, so his wife ends up with Jack Weston? Yeah, like that could really happen. At least Osmosis Jones has Bill Murray in it, so that provides a glimmer of hope. Itís also co-directed by the Farrelly Brothers, which means itís gonna register low on the taste scale. One humongous check in the advantage column: Murrayís already worked with cartoon characters in Space Jam and acted with Chevy Chase, so heís familiar with the process of saying lines to a blank space and making it believable.

THE OTHERS
This is a creepy spooky movie starring Nicole Kidman as a mom trying to raise her two kids in a creepy spooky mansion off the coast of England just after the creepy spooky end of World War II. As she anxiously awaits for her husband to show up and help with the child rearing and the loosening of tight jar lids, strange things begin to happen. Fast forward to the usual nonsense one expects from a haunted house movie and the next thing you know the woman sitting behind you in the theater is screaming her silly head off and showering the back of your neck with orange soda and popcorn. There is one little twist to this horror flick. The two young ëuns are deathly allergic to light, so that means the creepy spooky mansion must be kept dark most of the time. Great for developing pictures but not so good if youíve got spooks bumping around in the night. But Kidman can handle it. After a messy divorce with Tom Cruise and making it through Moulin Rouge, this is a cake walk.

PLANET OF THE APES
Why remake a movie thatís already a classic? Oh, wait this isnít a remake. Itís a reinterpretation or re-imagination or regurgitation or whatever the hell theyíre calling it. I donít get why someone does a new version of an old movie and then tries to distance themselves from the original. Why not just come up with a new idea all together? Anyway, this is not your fatherís Planet of the Apes. (Unless, of course, your father is Tim Burton.) This oneís for the younger crowd that wants more special effects and less social commentary. Marky Mark is the wayward astronaut in Burtonís updated take on the man vs. ape saga and itís up to him to lead the lowly humans in a rebellion against simian supremacy. Braveheart with Magilla suits.

THE PRINCESS DIARIES
Iíve seen the trailer for this one on TV but havenít got around to researching the filmís plot. Need I bother? Looks like your typical teenage ugly duckling to beautiful swan story via the Eliza Doolittle route. And itís got Julie Andrews in it to provide the movie with some misleading credibility. Hey, remember when Julie Andrews used to be a BIG star? Now sheís appearing in this goofy nonsense. And I bet sheís not doing it for the kind of "doe" thatís a deer, a female deer.

RUSH HOUR 2
I smell a franchise! Or did I just forget to put on my deodorant today? No, itís definitely a franchise Iím getting a whiff of. Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan return as the buddy team that grossed over $140 million the first time out and made everyone forget the Lethal Weapon dudes whose thunder they were trying to steal. Well, at least itís nice to see Chan catch a break even if this isnít his best work. And, with all due respect to Freddy Got Fingered, Iím sure this comic action flick is gonna make a clean sweep when they announce the winners at the next MTV Movie Awards.

SCARY MOVIE 2
More of the same, I bet. Only this time you donít have Carmen Electra running through the sprinklers in her underwear. Why didnít they write a sequel to that? Carmen Electra naked on a Slip ëN Slide. It would have been the first time a sequel topped the original since The Godfather Part II. Oh well, nobody listened to my idea for an Adrienne Barbeau nude car wash scene in Cannonball Run II either.

THE SCORE
Marlon Brando. Robert DeNiro. Edward Norton. That should be enough to get your attention. But whatís the film about? Brando wants DeNiro to pull one last big heist. DeNiro, or course, doesnít wanna do it. But he has to because, after all, both he and Brando won Academy AwardsÆ for playing the same character in different movies. To make matters worse, DeNiro has to team up with a young hot shot played by Edward Norton. Naturally, shit happens and before you know it the three of them are wearing skimmers and singing a rousing rendition of "Luck Be A Lady." Wait, I think fudged on that part. Yeah, it was bowler hats.

SERENDIPITY
Wow, another romantic comedy starring John Cusack, only this one seems to be a much better fit. For one thing, itís got Jeremy Piven in it instead of Billy Crystal. Plus the woman he wants and the woman in the way are both played by relatively unknowns compared to the superstar mega babes in American Sweethearts. So howís come two of these love triangle films in one summer for Cusack? Maybe heís just trying to stay super busy so he can honestly tell his sister Joan he doesnít have time to make a guest appearance on her lame ABC sitcom.