Dannyís Movie Guide Archive

ANGELA'S ASHES
This movie takes place in 1935, which means the odds of it being boring are very good. It also starts off with the death of a little baby, which means it's gotta be depressing. Wait, before you rush out to buy a ticket, let me finish. Okay, so Angela's baby dies and that prompts her and her alcoholic bum of a husband to load up the kids and move back to Ireland, where everybody's starving to death. Not exactly the feel good movie of the year.

ANNA AND THE KING
The King of Siam is a male chauvinist pig. Anna is the woman who teaches him to free his mind and her ass will follow. This promises to be a heart-touching romantic spectacle that unfolds amid breathtaking cinematography and exotic Far East scenery. Not exactly what I look for first in a movie, and I would probably take an easy pass, but you gotta figure thereís potential when the part of Anna is played by Jodie Foster. But donít look for her to warble "Getting to Know You" or any of the other toe tapping tunes from the Rodgers & Hammerstein score. This is strictly a nonmusical version of the story.

ANY GIVEN SUNDAY
Oliver Stone does pro football. An aging coach (Al Pacino) has to deal with a losing record and a bitchy new owner (Cameron Diaz). A veteran quarterback (Dennis Quaid) has to deal with injuries and a career that is nearing an end. And a hotshot back up quarterback (Jamie Foxx) has to deal with his own immaturity and the bugaboos of instant stardom. Sure, it sounds like a roster of tired sports movie clichÈs but in the hands of Oliver Stone itís bound to be loud, bombastic, over-the-top entertainment thatís put together so well it works. Another trademark of an Oliver Stone movie: Lots of familiar names and faces filling out the supporting cast and incidental roles. This time around you get James Woods, LL Cool J, Charlton Heston, Jim Brown, Lawrence Taylor, Lauren Holly, Ann-Margret, Elizabeth "Showgirls" Berkley, Johnny Unitas and, if you donít blink, you might just spot God holding a downs marker.

ANYWHERE BUT HERE
Here we got us a mother and daughter coming together film. Susan Sarandon plays the wacky mom. Natalie Portman, who was in that Jar Jar Binks movie, plays the pissed off daughter. Iím sure that by the end of the movie they come to a better understanding of one another, or one of them dies. Havenít seen it, but sounds like the kind of movie that could use a few car chases and a steamy lesbian love scene.

THE BEACH
Leonardo DiCaprio wet and without a shirt on. I can say no more.

 

BICENTENNIAL MAN
A robot thatís been around longer than Barry Manilowís been writing the songs starts to show human attributes such as emotions and a sense of humor. Naturally, this is not enough and the robot wants to become a real, live boy. Just the kind of schmaltzy stuff Robin Williams has made a career of when heís not busy doing improvisational crotch humor on talk shows or Comic Relief. The movie ends when the wizard tells the robot heís always had a heart and the only thing he really needed to make himself human was a penis. Thus giving Williams a chance to do more crotch humor.

THE BOILER ROOM
Ah, another one of those electrifying tense dramas that takes the viewer into a world they didn't know existed. Kind of like Fight Club but instead of beating each other's brains out, they broker illegal stocks. Ben Affleck stars, and although I enjoyed those trivia questions he provided for the Chicago Cubs telecasts, I still have a hard time telling him apart from many of the other hot young actors who have popped up in the past few years. It doesn't help that he and Matt Damon often appear in the same films together and I have to wait until the closing credits to figure out which one is which. Then there's that other guy, the one whose name I can't remember. I get him mixed up a lot, too. I know I should make more of an effort to get these things straight, being a movie reviewer and all. Then again, I should probably go seem more movies, too. Ah, but then I wouldn't have time to review them. The old "Catch 22." Hey, I saw that one! Itís got Art Garfunkel in it and thereís no way to confuse him with anyone else. What a hair style! Anyway, I canít say that I would recommend seeing The Boiler Room. It might be very good, but it just doesnít seem like a wise investment to me.

BLAIR WITCH PROJECT
A scary masterpiece? I hear the cinematography is bad and if I want to be scared Iíll watch reruns of Mad About Youís final season.

BOYS DONíT CRY
Hillary Swank won the Best Actress Oscar as a women who pretends to be a man and falls in love with another woman. No, this isnít a new sitcom on ABCís fall schedule. Itís a serious film that turns violent and ends with murder. Come to think of it, thereís a few current ABC sitcoms Iíd like to see end in violence and murder. But I gotta say Boys Donít Cry seems a bit too heavy and twisted for me to sit through.

THE CIDER HOUSE RULES
Just the name alone makes this sound like a snoozer. Like the kind of movie Michael Caine might pop up in and get nominated for an Academy Award. Hey, he does and he did!! Not only that, but he won the bugger as well! Good for him. A class act, that Michael Caine is. Doesnít mean Iím gonna plop my bottom down and watch this movie. Iíve read the synopsis several times and Iím still not sure what itís about. Something to do with an orphan going out on his own and falling in love and not being able to cope with stuff. Doesnít sound like a bike ride in the park to me. Nominated for Best Picture but didnít win.

DOGMA
With cult hits like Clerks and Chasing Amy already on his resume, director Kevin Smith is getting a lot of attention with his latest film, Dogma. First of all, it has Matt Damon and Ben Affleck in it, they being the two hot young stud actors of choice right now. But more importantly, it's the latest film to cause controversy and be deemed blasphemous by people who haven't even seen it. Remember Monty Python's Life of Brian? The Last Temptation of Christ? Oh God! Book II? Well, you don't poke fun at religion without hearing from some vocal guardian of all things that are holy. In this case it's the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights, which I believe is the older of the two Catholic Leagues and does not use the designated hitter. When are they going to learn? The more they tell people not to see this movie, the more people are gonna wanna see it. If they really don't want people to see it, why don't they just tell them Rex Reed loves it.

DRIVE ME CRAZY
This is one of those wacky films aimed at the younger set. That leaves me out. Plus itís got Melissa Joan Hart in it. Sheís TVís Sabrina the Teenage Witch and lately sheís been pushing the envelope by ditching her squeaky clean image in favor of a more risquÈ naughty one. Some words of advice, MJH: Baby fat in not sexy, and you need to stop hanging around with that up-to-no-good Britney Spears.

DEUCE BIGELOW: MALE GIGOLO
What can you say about a movie that has to resort to the critic for CFCF-TV in Montreal for a positive blurb to use in print ads? Quick synopsis: Rob Schneider plays a hapless goofball who becomes a male escort/joy boy to support himself and all sorts of wacky things happen as a result. Who says comedy is dead?

ELMO IN GROUCHLAND
When I glanced at this title quickly, I thought it said Emo and Groucho. Now that would be interesting, a movie about comedian Emo Phillips and Groucho Marx. But this is just some more Muppet crap.

FIGHT CLUB
I get the idea thereís a lot of fighting in this movie. Fighting is not a good thing. From what I hear, this movie is not a good thing either. Starring Brad Pitt and Edward Norton, a pretty actor and a pretty good one.

END OF DAYS
Arnold Schwarzeneger vs. Satan. I really donít like going to movies when I donít know who to root for.

FOR LOVE OF THE GAME
Here you go, another baseball movie starring Kevin Costner. I guess he got tired of making those big budget flops that the audience couldnít figure out. Itís not a real baseball movie though. It has romance in it and the baseball part is used as a backstop. My advice is to just go see a Cubs game. Thereís nothing romantic about that.

THE GREEN MILE
Before this movie came out, there was a lot of talk about it taking home a shit load of Oscars. Once it was released, the critics started to whine "itís too long." All I know is it takes place in a prison, Tom Hanks plays a prison guard and, even though itís based on a Stephen King novel, there are no monsters in it. Which is a shame because that would be pretty cool - a big scary monster running around in a prison. Think about it, itís a prison. And you canít let all the convicts go just because thereís a monster going around killing people. Theyíre trapped! Yeah, that would make a great movie. But it wouldnít be this movie. Because there is no big scary monster in it. Just Tom Hanks.

HANGING UP
Letís see, this movie is based on a book by Delia Ephron, who co-wrote the screenplay with her sister, Nora Ephron. Hmm, sounds like a chick movie. Diane Keaton directed. Looks like a chick movie. And Keaton stars along with Meg Ryan and Lisa Kudrow. Smells like a chick movie. And even though itís a comedy, itís also a tear jerker. It is a chick movie! Guess what? Iím not a chick. So Iím gonna stay home and see if I can find a Die Hard flick on TV instead.

THE HURRICANE
This is the story of Hurricane. The man the authorities came to blame. Put in a prison cell, but one time he could have been the champion of the world. Denzel Washington won a Golden Globe Award for his portrayal of boxer Rubin "Hurricane" Carter but lost out in the Oscar bout to Kevin Spacey, despite his noticeable reach advantage.

ISNíT SHE GREAT
No she isnít.

THE INSIDER
Director Michael Mann based The Insider on a true story, which means he made some stuff up so the movie would be more interesting. Oscar nominee Russell Crowe plays the guy who tattles on the tobacco companies to a 60 Minutes producer played by Al Pacinco. The problem is the tobacco companies don't like a tattletale and might do something really nasty to the snitch if he gets caught. Then there's that little thing where 60 Minutes chickens out and doesn't run the story. Boy, did that piss off Mike Wallace. Anyway, this movie got rave reviews, most of them using words like "riveting" and "gripping," and it seems to have this All The President's Men meets Silkwood vibe to it. My one concern, besides the making stuff up part, is it may result in more motion pictures inspired by 60 Minutes stories. Do we really need a riveting two hour dramatization of Andy Roony's "Why Can't I Ever Just Throw Junk Away?" This film was nominated for a Best Picture Oscar, just barely nudging out Deuce Bigelow: Male Gigolo.

JACOB THE LIAR
Itís a good thing Robin Williams already won an Academy Award for...gee, I canít remember what he won it for. Anyway, this is the kind of performance that screams out, "I want an Oscar, dammit!!" Ah, the humorous side of the holocaust -- didnít somebody already do that? Forget this nonsense. I want to see Jerry Lewis in The Day the Clown Cried.

MAN ON THE MOON
Oh, dee Jim Carrey, he is so funny as, uh, dee Andy Kaufman. Dee one man tell him, "You have to tell dee jokes." But he says, "I do not want to tell dee jokes." So den dee other man, uh, he tell him dat it is okay and he is funny. Den he has to do dee TV show, but he hate doing dee TV show. Den another man come in dee movie and dey all say dat he is dis man but he says, "I am not him." And dee other man says he is not him, too. And, uh, den some other things happen and, uh, he wrestles with dee women and all dee women are mad at him because is so mean too dem. " Oh, you do dee cooking," he says to dem. And, uh, den...oh, he reads dee book and everybody is mad because he reads dee book and dey want him to do dee Latka. Everybody loves dee Latka! But he will not do dee Latka. So dey have dee milk and dee cookies. And, uh, he says he is going to die, but everybody does not believe him. "You are faking," dey say to him. But he is not faking, and he dies. Dat is my review of dee Man on dee Moon movie. Thank you veddy much.

What a gyp. No Academy Award nominations. Not for dee Jim Carrey or screenwriters Larry Karaszewski and Scott Alexander. Maybe itís because the film totally ignored Heartbeeps.

POKEMON: THE FIRST MOVIE
Sorry, I only review movies, not ninety minute commercials for crappy toys. I have nothing else to say about this except Pokemon is evil.

SCREAM 3
Yes, I need just one more person to explain to me that this isnít a sequel, itís the third and final installment of a trilogy. That means that if you took all three films and ran them back to back to back, youíd get one long boring marathon of pretty girls running around screaming their heads off after they stupidly go into a dark room alone when they know someone is going around killing people. Or so Iím guessing. David Arquette is in this movie, which canít be nearly as frightening as those call 800 AT&T collect commercials he does on television. Mrs. David Arquette (Courtney "You Can Never Be Too Thin" Cox) also stars and so does the beautiful Neve Campbell, who is the only reason to see this movie, I would think. Then again, I could be wrong. Itís just not worth risking eight bucks and two hours of my life to find out.

THE STORY OF US
Bruce Willis teams up with Michelle Pfeiffer in one of those movies about two people who love each other a lot and then something happens to spoil that love and then you just hope like hell something happens to rekindle it. Kind of like Fight Club but really different.

THE STRAIGHT STORY
This movie is rated G and itís not made for kids. That is unusual in itself, but the real kicker is itís directed by David Lynch. Yes, the same guy who brought you the creepy psychotic world of Blue Velvet. Quite a change of pace, I must admit. Itís a true story about this real old guy in Iowa, portrayed by real old actor Richard Farnsworth, who wants to visit his brother in Wisconsin. Unfortunately, his only form of transportation is a riding lawnmower. So he sets off on this journey and along the way he meets a lot of interesting people and faces various difficult situations. Kind of sounds like Kung Fu, but only with a lawnmower and without the big karate ass kickiní scenes. Critics are giving this movie rave reviews, but they have been known to swoon over boring movies where nothing really happens. They think it makes them appear smart and cultured. (This is known as the Charlie the Tuna Good Taste Syndrome.) However, I am going to give this movie the benefit of the doubt. Definitely worth a gander when it comes to television and I donít have to get off the couch or pay money to see it.

SUPERSTAR
Oh boy, another unfunny Saturday Night Live character in another (Iím just guessing) really awful movie. This time it's Molly Shannonís Mary Katherine Gallagher. And if thatís not bad enough to make you puke up a lunch you had when Dan Aykroyd was still funny, Will Ferrell gets second billing.

SWEET AND LOWDOWN
I canít remember the last time I wanted to see a new Woody Allen movie. And it has nothing to do with him going loop de loop with Soon-Yi or all the other bad publicity surrounding his bitter breakup with Mia Farrow. I just like his earlier funny pictures and those middle "kind of serious" pictures. Sweet and Lowdown is said to be Woodyís love letter to the old jazz music he plays every Monday night at the Regal Beagle. "Dear Old Jazz Music, I love you a whole lot. Woody." There, much shorter and to the point. Now go out and make a sequel to Take the Money and Run.

THREE KINGS
This is one of those military caper films. A modern day Kellyís Heroes, so to speak. Itís about three Gulf War soldiers who decide to steal some of Sadamís gold while theyíre in the neighborhood and it stars George Clooney, Marky Mark and Ice Cube as, I guess, the Three Kings. I can get past the two rap stars as American service men, but itís kind of hard to think of Clooney as anything but the definitive Batman. (The tee-hee is implied.)

TOY STORY 2
Okay, this movieís about a bunch of toys that come to life whenever thereís nobody in the room. Which is kinda creepy when you think about it, especially if youíve got a ventriloquist dummy. That aside, many people are saying this sequel is better than the original Toy Story movie. I wouldnít know because I never saw the first one. Iím just not a big fan of computer animation. It seems like cheating to me. Instead of a roomful of cartoon artists painstakingly creating thousands of detailed drawings, thereís a roomful of geeks painstakingly smacking away at their keyboards. Maybe Iím just a purist. Anyway, I probably wouldnít have gone to see this movie either except one of the screen writers is Chris Webb, a graduate of Clay High School and a close personal friend of yours truly. (If he says otherwise, heís lying.) Well, I saw Toy Story 2 and guess what? I liked it!! Sometimes itís nice to go to a movie and just be entertained. Thatís what happens when you watch Toy Story 2. Plus itís a movie the whole family can enjoy. And the best thing about it? There are a lot of toys in Toy Story, but none of them are Pokemon!

WHAT PLANET ARE YOU FROM?
This film directed by Mike Nichols didnít stick around long. Gary Shandling may be a funny guy, but I guess the thought of that face on the big screen was more than the average movie buff could handle.

THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH
Bond. James Bond. Banana Fanna Fo Fond, Fee Fi Mo Mond. Bond