Hereís my contribution to the Halloween hoopla. I imagine the whistle has been blown before on many of these offenders, but hopefully I can put my own unique spin on this infamous roster without sounding like a bad standup comic.

1. The Old Scientist Who Wants To Save The Monster

This eggheaded codger usually asserts himself at a crucial point in the film when the monster can be stopped before the body count gets out of hand. His reasoning? "Imagine what we can learn if we study this creature!" Yeah, like what it feels like to be devoured by a giant radioactive space cricket. The only saving grace is this wacko almost always gets destroyed by the same beast he was trying to protect.

2. The Stupid Chick Who Goes Into Any Dark Room When Thereís a Monster and/or Psychotic Killer on the Loose

Okay, so it could be a guy, too, but itís usually someone of the female persuasion. Maybe thatís because most of these movies are directed by guys who think only women are that idiotic. Regardless, there seems to be no logic whatsoever in the train of thought of this character. "Hmmm, nine people are dead and I heard a noise in the basement. Better go check it out."

3. The Disbelieving Police Officer

Before everybody finds out thereís a flesh eating beast running around eating flesh, there has to be the first people who encounter the monster and live to tell about it. Unfortunately, whoís gonna believe them? Certainly not the town sheriff or any other law enforcement agent they run to for help, especially if the news is being delivered by "crazy kids." Heís just gonna shake his head and accuse them of makiní the whole thing up to cause trouble. Sorry, itís gonna take a few more mutilated townies before Deputy Dawg decides to take the matter seriously.

4. The Guy Who Throws His Empty Gun at the Monster

Youíve just fired a round of live ammo into a lizard the size of the Empire State Building and it didnít phase him one tiny bit. Naturally your next step is to heave the empty weapon at the creature and hope it has some effect on him. The last desperate act by a man who is about to become an appetizer.

5. People Who Get Caught By A Slow Monster

The original Mummy immediately springs to mind. A guy whoís been dead thousands of years and his mobility is severely limited by a body completely wrapped in bandages. Nope, this walking Curad ainít no threat to Carl Lewis. Yet somehow he manages to catch up with all those hysterical fraidy cats trying to run away from him. I think maybe the constant falling down might have something to do with it. People seem to do that a lot when theyíre fleeing from a monster.

6. Horny Teenagers Making Out

Sometimes theyíre swapping spit on her parentís sofa, but more often then not, this hormone active couple can be found in a convertible parked at an isolated make-out spot. The first clue that trouble is afoot is the shaking of bushes when thereís no wind blowing. Next comes the poor radio reception when the announcer is warning all horny teenagers to go home before itís too late. Then, itís too late.

7. The Plot Guesser and/or Spoiler

This isnít someone in the movie, itís the idiot that sits behind you in the theater and tries to figure out whatís gonna happen next out loud. Or even worse, heís already seen the movie and announces whatís gonna happen like heís doing the person sitting next to him a big favor. In a perfect world the monster would leap off the screen ala Jeff Daniels in The Purple Rose of Cairo and (unlike Daniels) rip the annoying loud mouth into itsy bitsy bloody pieces (all the while Marshall McLuhan stood there and told him whatís gonna happen next).

8. The Careless Lamebrain Lackey

Best example: The guard that falls asleep during his watch and allows the frozen monster to unthaw, thanks in large part to the door he accidentally left open while taking a peek even though he was told to not open said door under any circumstances. Runner-up: The lab assistant who knocks over the beaker containing the only known concoction that can kill a behemoth stockbroker.

9. The Selfish Panicky Guy

He usually mucks things up by getting in the way or interfering with a surefire plan to stop the monster before it kills again. This act of stupidity is always done in an effort to save his own ass regardless of the consequences. The key to his lack of success? Doing the one thing that shouldnít be done, like throwing a lighted torch at a monster who only gets madder when confronted with fire or yelling "go away, weíre not in here" when hiding from a monster who was just starting to go away.

10. Abbott & Costello

You knew your days as a Famous Monster of Filmland were numbered when you appeared in a movie with these two knuckleheads. Frankenstein, Dracula, Wolfman and the Mummy are just some of the Creature Feature regulars who sold out and did their shtick with Bud & Lou, thus bringing a sad end to the golden age of horror films. I mean, who could take Karloff, Lugosi or Chaney seriously after they matched wits and lost with Tubby & Cranky? Letís see, Lou gets scared and Bud yells at him. Lou gets scared and Bud yells at him. Lou gets scared... The only thing frightening about this tired overworked routine is the fact that so many people thought it was funny