Who Knew That "Na Nu, Na Nu" Was A Cry For Help?

God bless NBC for having the courage to bring us important programs like "Behind The Camera: Mork & Mindy, The Unauthorized Story." Every now and then we need to be reminded of the pitfalls of instant celebrity and the unrelenting pressure from getting paid lots of money to be funny on the outside while crying on the inside. Plus it gives a young actress the chance to put "Pam Dawber" on her resume and that could come in real handy when they decide to shoot "The Unauthorized Behind The Camera Story of My Sister Sam."

Billy Joel got out of rehab, which means there was room for Whitney Houston to take his place. But unless sheís found a rehab center with a divorce court in it, I doubt itíll do her any good. Meanwhile, Pat OíBrien has also checked in and out of rehab, which will make it hard for him to be unbiased when he goes back to hosting "The Insider" and has to introduce stories about real celebrities who try to clean up.

OíBrien, as you may know, had to seek help after getting really shit-faced and making numerous obscene phone calls to horrified female coworkers. In the real world that would get you fired, but in Hollywood there is no such thing as bad publicity, so OíBrien had to undergo treatment and upon release he got the third degree from Dr. Phil in a prime time TV special. Okay, so maybe getting fired isnít the worst thing that could happen.

The circus freak edition of "The Surreal Life" has concluded and now we can only wonder how long it will be before the cast includes someone who almost tried out for "American Idol," an actor who played one of the background Sweathogs on "Welcome Back, Kotter" and Andrew Ridgeley. Oh wait, I think thatís the new supporting cast for the next season of "Joey." Never mind.

Paris Hilton has dumped gal pal Nicole Richie, which means someone else will have to play Tweedle-Dee to her Tweedle-Dumb when Fox begins filming "Simple Life 4: Street Whores." If itís up to Paris, that someone will be Rod Stewartís daughter Kimberly, who will have to fill Nicoleís shoes while doing her best to keep her father away from her new best bud.

We have a new Pope and he has chosen Pope Benedict XVI as his new Pope name. (Pinto came in a close second.) Well, itís a new direction, I guess, but I really liked the way Pope John Paul rolled off the tongue. But at least the new Pope is a hardliner, which means we may finally get rid of the designated hitter in the American League and the Colonelís extra crispy chicken will be a thing of the past.

Britney Spears is the latest celebrity to land her own reality show, but what does a twenty-three year old pop singer who makes more money than most third world nations know about reality? I mean, if you hook up with some guy while another woman is carrying his baby, shouldnít you be living in a trailer park? And, of course, youíve heard the news that Britney herself is pregnant. (Donít look at me!!) Do you think sheís keeping her fingers crossed that her hubby wonít look elsewhere during that crucial time when sheís unable to see her own feet and needs someone to coach her during childbirth?

Lisa Marie Presley has a new album out, but will she be able to avoid the sophomore jinx and maintain the quality of her debut release? Itís like they say, youíve got thirty-six years to come up with your first piece of crap, but only one to write the second one.

In a related tale of horror, Rob Thomas has released his first solo album. Apparently thereís some drivel he just couldnít express with his band Matchbox Twenty. Or maybe success has gone to his head and he can no longer share the spotlight with anyone else. After all, once youíve helped piss away Carlos Santanaís credibility, itís hard to go back to being just one of the guys.

The importance of being Mimi. Yes, even Mariah Carey has gotten into the act of making the airwaves unsafe for us this year. Can anyone explain to me why her careerís been resurrected with a lame new album and a pair of hooters that seem to get bigger and bigger with each new boring video? Hey, maybe sheís getting ready to revive her movie career, too. In a remake of Woody Allenís "Everything You Always To Know About Sex" one of her breasts could star as the giant tit that runs amok after a mad scientistís experiment goes awry.

Have you seen the new Superman suit for "Superman Returns"? Itís kind of cool and retro, but whatís up with the big rubber "S" on the chest? I think itís meant to be a distraction for the bad guys. They really want to do something evil, but first they just gotta touch that big rubber thing and see what it feels like. "Damn you, Man of Steel!"

Not to be outdone, thereís also a new Batman movie on the way and itís going to show us how the Caped Crusader got his start. In other words, the last Batman movie was so bad they decided to scrap the whole franchise and start all over again. And this made more sense than Bruce Wayne waking up in the shower and realizing it was all a bad dream.

Will Ferrell has a new movie out called "Kicking & Screaming," which is what Iíll be doing if you try to drag me to it. In it Ferrell plays the out of control coach of a kids soccer team, which gives him the opportunity to yell and act like an idiot for an entire ninety minutes. Well, we all have to do what we do best, right? Anyway, as bad as this sounds, it can never prepare you for the real horror of whatís coming in August. Yes, Rob Schneider in a sequel to "Deuce Bigalow." And you thought "War of the Worlds" was going to be the scariest movie of the summer.

Starbucks wanted to sell the new Bruce Springsteen CD but decided not to because a song about anal sex with a hooker was considered too racy for their customers. Yeah, right. Like a five dollar cup of coffee isnít obscene!!

The British government announced that Camilla Parker Bowles will automatically become the Queen of England when Price Charles is crowned King, but there will be an asterisk after her title and she wonít be able to use the "Queen Only" rest rooms in public buildings. Camilla, however, says she doesnít want to be Queen and who can blame her? The hours are bad and the pay bump from Princess isnít really enough to make it worth her while.

Itíll be the end of an era when "Monday Night Football" moves from ABC to ESPN in 2006 and we can only hope that Joe Theisman gets lost in the shuffle when the MNF broadcast team is selected. Meanwhile, NBC won the rights to televise the NFL games on Sunday nights and plan to bolster ratings by moving up the kickoff time and renaming the program "Law & Order: Officiating Crew."

The Wiggles have been named Australia's richest performers for the year 2004, finishing ahead of such notable Aussies as Nicole Kidman, Russell Crowe and AC/DC. The Fab Four of kids music earned $34.5 million last year, which only goes to show that itís all about the merchandising. Yes, you can think up something like the 30 Odd Foot of Grunts Play-Doh play set, but how do you market it?

PETA is down on Jennifer Lopez and I donít mean that in a good way. Thatís because J. Lo uses real fur from real animals in her unreal fashion line and the PETA Posse considers that the ultimate fashion no-no. When asked to defend her position during a radio interview, a befuddled Lopez couldnít come up with a satisfactory response, but then how can you say "I really donít care" and make it sound right?

Is it just me or is the Michael Jackson trial taking a real long time to get to the point? By the time itís over, everyone will have testified in it except someone who almost tried out for "American Idol," an actor who played one of the background Sweathogs in "Welcome Back, Kotter" and Andrew Ridgeley.

And finally, the deaths of a one hit wonder and a legendary rock and roll sideman donít get the same overwhelming coverage as the passing as the Pope, so here at F&R we try to balance the reporting a bit and pay tribute to those who made their contributions without ceremonial fanfare or the use of their own special bullet proof shuttle car...

John Fred Gourrier, who was better known without his last name as the lead singer of John Fred & His Playboy band, earned his fifteen minutes of fame with "Judy In Disguise (with Glasses)," a catchy sendup of The Beatlesí "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds" that went to Number One in December of 1967. He died at age 63 from complications after a kidney transplant.

And Johnnie Johnson was a piano player with his own St. Louis R&B band in the early fifties when he hired a young guitarist named Chuck Berry to fill in for a sick band member and the rest is rock and roll history. Johnson may have never gotten all the credit he deserved for helping create some of the greatest records of all time, but in 2001 he was inducted in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame for his contributions and thanks to pals like Keith Richards, he was able to revive his career in later years and record new music for his fans to enjoy. The man who inspired the song "Johnny B. Goode" died of natural causes at age 80, but his music lives on. Hail, Hail, Rock & Roll.