Meet The New Boss, Same As The Old Boss

Four more years of Bush and Dick and I donít mean that in a good way. Political analysts are saying the Republicans now have a mandate and that means they can pretty much do whatever they want. In other words, like theyíve been doing the past four years, only now they can stay up late and eat lots of ice cream while they do it.

On the plus side for GWB, he wonít have to pay someone to write a speech for his second inauguration. He can just recite the lyrics to Randy Newmanís "Political Science" and omit the irony.

One good thing about Dubyaís reelection: Four more years of the Bush Twins! Theyíre hot, theyíre twins and at least one of them likes to party. How can you not like that? Granted, the Gore Girls were pretty sweet, too, but the Kerry Sisters just didnít cut it in my opinion. Oh, and Elvis Costello was so right when he sang, "I donít want to go to Chelsea."

I am shocked! Shocked that lip synching was going on during Ashlee Simpsonís performance on "Saturday Night Live"! And then to blame the whole thing on "gastric distress." Hell, why not just say the dog did it?

Yasser Arafat is no more. Yes, he first gained fame as a terrorist, but Iíll always remember him as that adorable old man blowing kisses to the crowd as he got off the plane in Paris shortly before his death. Ah, if heíd only brought along his ukulele so he could favor us one last time with his heart warming rendition of "Tip Toe Through The Tulips." No, wait Iím thinking of someone else. Never mind.

Elton John has signed a deal to develop a sitcom about an aging rock star for ABC, but says he wonít star in it himself. Sounds like the TV role Nathan Lane was born to play, doesnít it?

Forbes has released its list of top earning dead celebrities and Elvis Presley proves that once again heís still the king. Others in the top ten are Charles M. Schulz, J.R.R. Tolkien, John Lennon, Dr. Seuss, Marilyn Monroe, George Harrison, Irving Berlin, Bob Marley and Richard Rogers. Too bad Steve McQueen isnít among that group. He may be dead, but that didnít stop him from doing a Ford Mustang commercial. All Iíve got say is somebody get me the name of his agent.

Doctors say that Vice President Dick Cheney did not have another heart attack, but was it another heart episode? If so, that means he only needs three more episodes to have enough for a syndication package. And donít ask me to pick a favorite. Itís just too hard to choose!

Let me get this straight. There was a "Thunderbirds" movie out this year but they used real people instead of puppets as actors. Now thereís a puppet movie out, but it has nothing to do with "Thunderbirds" or "Stingray." Itís no wonder I wake up in the middle of the night sweaty and disoriented.

Live Aid is out on DVD, but you wonít see Led Zeppelinís historic reunion on it. Did the surviving members of the band really nix its inclusion due to inferior sound quality or did they just want to hide the fact they let Phil Collins play drums for them?

Rod Stewart has tied Linda Rondstadtís record and released a third collection of boring old standards recorded by a rock star whose career stopped being relevant long ago. Hard to believe this is the same guy you can hear sing on the new Faces box set, "Five Guys Walk Into A Bar..." Then again, if you got dumped by Rachael Hunter and then had to watch her twirl around a stripperís pole in that Fountains of Wayne video maybe youíd give up and record a bunch of schmaltzy crap, too.

I am shocked! Shocked that ABC allowed a naughty skit to air at the beginning of its "Monday Night Football" telecast. Shame on Terrell Owens and that hussy from "Desperate Housewives" for taking part in such a suggestive comedy routine! But I do have one qualm about the uproar over this incident. If the NFL really cares about the kids watching "Monday Night Football," why do the games run until after midnight?

Thereís a new Bridget Jones movie out, but most of the attention seems to be focused on Renee Zellwegerís weight gain to play the part. Of course, British fans of the Bridget Jones books are still upset that an American actress was given the honor of portraying their beloved heroine and I can see their point. Seriously, to this day I have yet to watch the "Lord Of The Rings" trilogy because they cast humans in the roles of the Hobbits.

Pierce Brosnan has let his license to kill expire. The Irish-born actor wonít play Agent 007 in the next James Bond movie and he suggests that Colin Farrell would be a good choice to take over the role. If you ask me, they should give the part to Rene Zwelwinger. Now THAT would really piss off those Limeys!

A member of Jay Zís entourage allegedly sprayed R. Kelly in the face with pepper spray during an alleged performance on their "2 Guyz With Initials Tour" and now the plug has been pulled on the remainder of the road show. R. says heís gonna sue Z and that just makes me sad. I mean, if two multi-platinum rappers canít put aside their differences for a multi-million dollar concert tour, what chance do the rest of us have to achieve world peace?

Osama Bin Ladenís new video. Itís too long, too boring and itís doesnít hold a candle to those classic early videos shot on location in the mountains of Afghanistan. Has OBL lost his touch? And is it true he was only lip synching?

Okay, the World Series is already old news and weíre all relieved that the curse of the Bambino has ended, but whatís all this hoo-ha about Red Sox fans forgiving Bill Buckner? How about apologizing to the man and his family for all the crap they had to put up with? He made an error in a baseball game, it happens. Just like giving up three straight hits with two outs happens. Or throwing a wild pitch to score the tying run and put the winning run in scoring position happens. Get over it, Boston. Itís not like you had to spend all those years without a World Series title just because someone tossed a stupid goat out of your ballpark. Now, thatís a real curse!

And finally, if you want to know what funny is, pick up the new DVD box set featuring the first five movies starring the legendary four Marx Brothers. (Sorry, no Gummo.) This is classic stuff indeed and itís hard to believe that generation after generation rediscover the movie shorts of The Three Stooges, but somehow Groucho, Chico, Harpo and Zeppo have been relegated to an almost cult like status. And the cult seems to be dwindling. Thatís too bad. Because if you think "Fahrenheit 9/11" was an entertaining antiwar film, you should watch "Duck Soup." "Hail! Hail! Freedonia!!"