Ainít You Glad That You Found Out What The Clam Is All About?


Another day, another rock and roll anniversary. It was fifty years since Elvis Presley recorded his first record and the media treated it like the King may come back from the dead to help celebrate. Speaking of Elvis being dead, this August will mark the 27th anniversary of his death. Here at F&R we choose to observe two other important dates in the history of Elvis. His birth and the day shooting wrapped on "Girl Happy."

Greg Maddux has 300 career wins and his team got Normar, but if the Cubs donít get their act together theyíll be watching the playoffs on television this year. In a related story, meteorologists have linked the recent cold front to winds created by Sammy Sosaís bat whiffing at pitches out of the strike zone with runners in scoring position.

The Los Angeles Lakers are officially Kobeís team. Shaq is now the big man for the Miami Heat, which means Bryant is free to score all the points he wants and become the next Michael Jordan. Of course, even Michael Jordan couldnít win a championship all by himself, so lets hope Kobe enjoys scoring forty points a game for a team that might not even make the playoffs. A dream may go on forever, but a dream team is a whole ënuther thing.

Lance Armstrong won his sixth straight Tour de France race and then got to celebrate with his rock star girlfriend Sheryl Crow. Imagine, Sheryl Crow is dating a guy who rides a bike for a living. Do you think she gets horny when the paper boy rides by?

First there was "Freddy vs. Jason" and now comes "Alien vs. Predator." Can "Poltergeist vs. Ghost Dad" be far behind?

Stick a fork in Mike Tyson. Heís gotta be done by now. Especially after getting knocked out in the fourth round by a nobody who sometimes cries in his dressing room prior to a fight. Poor Iron Mike. He looked so pathetic sitting on the canvas that he probably canít even get a gig as a jobber in the WWE now. And he can forget about becoming a greeter at a casino in Las Vegas or Atlantic City. I wonder how heíd look in a bright red vest helping customers select a shopping cart.

Did Ricky Williams quit pro football because he wanted to smoke reefer or did he smoke reefer because he wanted to quit pro football? Ah, the chicken or the egg. Don Shula must be rolling over in his grave.

Itís already old news, but Iíve got to comment on the Butcher of Baghdadís first court appearance. Does Saddam Hussein really think his upcoming trial of the century is nothing but "theater by Bush"? If so, can I make a suggestion for the prosecution team? One word: Mummenschanz!

Q Magazine named "Definitely Maybe" by Oasis as the number one British album of all time and selected The Beatlesí "Revolver" as the runner-up. Isnít that like saying Foster Brooks is the greatest comic drunk who could really sing and Frank Fontaine is second best? Ah, those Limeys and their precious Oasis! In America when we say the Gallagher Brothers, weíre talking about that guy who smashes watermelons with a sledgehammer and the sibling who does his act in smaller venues that canít afford the real deal.

Meanwhile, TV Guide has crowned Will Ferrell as the new King of Comedy. This came as quite a blow to all the contenders who were trying to earn the title by being funny. But at least William H. Macy should be happy when People Magazine names him the sexiest man alive.

On the last day of his ten day sentence for being really drunk and acting really stupid in public, singer Glenn Campbell gave a free concert for the inmates he served time with. Okay, am I the only one thinking "Scared Straight" here?

Thereís a chance CBS could be fined $550,000 for the Janet Jackson incident during the half-time show of the Super Bowl. Thatís over half a million dollars for flashing one breast. Imagine what a lap dance would cost!

The bad news is Penny Marshall and Cindy Williams now have stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. The good news is you can now spit on Laverne & Shirley and not get arrested.

William Lee Golden suffered a mild heart attack and underwent emergency surgery, but the Oak Ridge Boys donít plan to cancel any of their shows while heís home recuperating. Instead, Goldenís son and the bandís bass player will team up to sing his parts. Gee, wouldnít you be disappointed if you went to an Oak Ridge Boys concert and the guy with the long scary beard wasnít there? Thatís like going to see the Village People and finding out the Construction Worker took the night off.

On a similar note, Dave Davies of the Kinks is recovering from a stroke he suffered in June and Rolling Stones drummer Charilie Watts is expected to fully recover from the throat cancer he is now being treated for. We wish them both the best as we file these news items under "stories that make us feel really old." Remember when rock stars used to die in plane crashes or overdose on drugs? Now theyíre getting cancer and having heart attacks. Itís been forty years since The Beatles led the British Invasion and took the world by storm. And itís a good thing all those bands came from England, because I donít think our Social Security system could handle it when they all decide to retire at the same time.

And that segues us to the dearly departed montage...

Julia Child - She put cooking shows on the map and inspired one of Saturday Night Liveís funniest bits ever.

Fay Wray - She personified the glamour of the old Hollywood but will always be remembered as the woman King Kong carried with him to the top of the Empire State Building.

Red Adair - He fought oil well fires and had a really cool name.

Eugene Roche - A character actor who played the Ajax Man in TV commercials and had recurring roles in "All In The Family" and "Magnum P.I." His most memorable film role was that of Edgar Derby in "Slaughterhouse-Five."

Isabel Sanford - Your know her better as Weezie, George Jeffersonís long suffering but loving wife on TVís "The Jeffersons." 

Rick James - He made funk records that became dance floor standards and went on to produce Eddie Murphy as a singer. (The latter could explain why he turned to drugs.)

And then thereís Marlon Brando, or as we like to think of him, Supermanís dad. When he died, film critics, fellow actors and movie directors all joined forces to proclaim him the greatest actor to ever read lines off a lampshade. Brando was good all right and his passing is sad, but is he really the best there ever was? I mean, would you call Johnny Unitas the best quarterback ever if he only played when he felt like it and just went through the motions when he went up against a crummy team in a game that didnít mean anything? Something has to be said for practicing your craft and giving every scene the best that youíve got. Thatís why names like Gene Hackman and Rober Duvall immediately come to mind when I think of great American actors. And names like Eugene Roche and Isabel Sanford. "Stellaaaa!!" or "Oh, George!!" Itís all the same when you put your heart into it.