He Hit Me (It Felt Like A Kiss)

Poor Phil Spector. Itís one thing to be a crazy genius, but itís quite another to have your life turn into a really long episode of "Columbo." To make matters worse, Spector got into an altercation with his chauffeur and police arrested both men on misdemeanor battery charges. The chauffeur should consider himself lucky. At least he doesnít work for Jayson Williams.

Prior to battling with his chauffeur, Spector appeared in court for a hearing and allegedly made an obscene gesture at one point. Or perhaps the judge had asked him the highest chart position of "You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'." After all, if he really wanted to do something obscene, he would put strings on a Ramones record again.

Called before congress to explain the torture of Iraqi prisoners by U.S. soldiers, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld warned that "itís going to get a good deal more terrible" and "videos yet to come could further inflame the world outrage." Unfortunately, Rumsfeld thought he was taping a promo for the final episodes of "Friends" and "Frasier."

51.1 million viewers watched the last episode of "Friends," making it the fourth watched series finale of all time. The biggest question of the night was "Would Ross and Rachel get back together?" and the answer was yes The second biggest question of the night was, "Why canít someone who looks as pregnant as Monica have her own damn baby?"

"President Bush Apologizing" was the top rated TV program in the Arab world during the May sweeps. Sliding to second for the first time in ten years was "Gomer Pyle, USMC."

Okay, itís official. Bob Dylan has indeed sold out by appearing in a commercial for Victoriaís Secret. So it says in TV Guideís "Cheers and Jeers" and so it shall be. Personally, Iím more disturbed by Robert Duvall reading one of those stupid letters in a Direct TV ad or Bugs and Daffy doing an insurance commercial, but thatís just my opinion, I guess.

Whatís the deal with Eli Manning? He thinks heís too good to play for the San Diego Chargers? Wait, a sec. Iím too good to play for the San Diego Chargers. Never mind.

Itís been reported that Chicago Cubs outfielder Moises Alou urinates on his hands to harden them so he doesnít have to wear batting gloves. Well, I guess we donít have to worry about fans getting in the way the next time Alou reaches into the stands for a foul ball. And if the league wants him tested for drugs, they can just have the umpires check his bat.

The former manager for Tears For Fears was sentenced to three and a half years in jail for defrauding investors in a purported cure for drunkenness made from volcanic rock. You know, that story would sound a lot stranger if it didnít just follow one about a baseball player pissing on his hands to improve his batting average.

In other Cub news, Sammy Sosa was put on the disabled list after he hurt his back sneezing. Yes, I said sneezing. Kind of makes you appreciate Cal Ripkenís consecutive games played streak a lot more, doesnít it? And one can only wonder what would happen if Sammy ever starts coughing.

Hey look, itís Billy Joel, the pop star who can drive a car! Watch out, Billy!! Ahhhhhhhhh! CRASH!!! Gee, I guess Billy Joel canít drive a car after all.

Oasis singer Liam Gallagher is forming a super group with former Stone Roses guitarist John Squire and Dhani Harrison, the son of George Harrison. The trio plans to head into the studio later this year and Gallagher hopes other big name musicians will join them. Perhaps some guy who used to be in Inspiral Carpets and Bill Wymanís nephew?

My older brother, age 51, finally started buying CDs. His collection? Titles by Limp Bizkit, Korn, Godsmack, Disturbed, Audioslave and the entire Kid Rock catalog. Sad proof that having your finger pulled too often does indeed cause brain damage.

Johnny Depp wants Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones to play his characterís father in the upcoming sequel to "Pirates of the Caribbean." You know, that story would sound a lot stranger if in didnít just follow an inventory of my brotherís CD collection.

Jimmy Fallon is leaving "Saturday Night Live". Apparently heís been unfunny long enough on television and would like to concentrate on being unfunny in the movies. Regardless of what happens, it doesnít change my opinion that Tina Fey is really hot.

And finally, thereís another empty seat at the Friarís Club as the comedy world lost the great Alan King this month. King was a giant in standup comedy at a time when a comedian was judged by his material and how much laughter it produced from an audience. What he did was tell jokes and most of the time they were very funny. A class act indeed.

And before we could put this edition of F&R to bed, we found out that the world also lost the amazing talent known as Tony Randall. He was funny in those old movies with Rock Hudson & Doris Day, he was funny as Felix Unger in the TV version of "The Odd Couple" and he was hilarious during his many appearances on the late night talk show circuit - even when he displayed his disgust for rock music. One of a kind, he was. Tonight we dim the lights and put out our cigars in his honor.