Showtime For Bonzo
This
edition of F&R is brought to you by Celine Dion Perfume...A
fragrance for the woman whose sense of smell is almost as bad as
her taste in music. CBS blinked. After pressure from supporters of Ronald Reagan, the network shelved their miniseries on the former president and his wife, Nancy, and tossed the hot potato over to Showtime for a future airing. However, CBS denied accusations that they were being big wussies and claimed they were merely sending the show back because it wasnít what they originally ordered. Yes, the head of programming at a big TV network does his job like most of us order at a restaurant. Go figure.
On the other hand, Iím not so sure what the fuss was all about. Did the GOP Chairman really think the husband of Barbara Striesand would play the lead role in a program that discredited the man most Republicans worship as their political god?!
Rosie OíDonnell is being sued by her former publishers for breach of contract, but the ex-talk show host says she was a victim of a "coup díetat" at her own magazine. At first she didnít mind because she thought a "coup díetat" was a French pastry, but when she found out what the phrase really meant, she walked out in a huff and left the publishers in a lurch without a leg to stand on. One of the sticking points: A picture that was to run on the cover of the magazine made Rosie look fat. Apparently the fun house mirror lens was broken the day of the photo shoot and now over a hundred people have lost their jobs as a result.
Liza Minnelli has filed for divorce from her creepy husband of sixteen months after he filed a ten million dollar lawsuit claiming she beat the crap out of him during one of her alcoholic rages. Time to check your picks in the office pool. Did anyone have spousal abuse and more than a year?
Fred "Rerun" Berry. Let me get this straight. He couldnít escape being typecast as the character he played on TV, so he became that character and when he finally got another chance to play it on a syndicated TV series, he blew it by demanding more money. So when he died he was earning a living by making celebrity phone calls to his fans and boasted that he made more calls than anybody else on the roster of has-beens. Wow, thirty bucks to chat seventeen seconds with someone whose fifteen minutes were up twenty-four years ago. Makes you wonder what Dee is up to nowadays.
After a thorough investigation, ABC News has concluded that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone when he assassinated President John F. Kennedy back in 1963. Of course, this comes from the same network that ran "Full House" for eight years, so Iíd keep that in mind before Iíd completely close the books on any of those conspiracy theories.
In order to comply with truth in advertising guidelines, NBC has changed the name of its "Must See TV" lineup to "A Long Night of Boring Crap And Then Some." This comes after NBCís Thursday night programming was edged out in the ratings by CBSí lineup of "Survivor," "CSI" and the show they hope everyone will watch because it follows those first two juggernauts.
While speaking at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, an ambassador from Hungary told the audience that rock music played an important part in the fall of communism in his country. Of course, that fall would have happened a lot sooner if someone hadnít smuggled a copy of "Frampton Comes Alive" into the country, but allís well that ends well, right?
So is the Kobe and Shaq brouhaha really over or is it just simmering and waiting to explode at a future date? Poor Kobe. His feelings were hurt because Shaq didnít call him up and lend his support when the cute little adulterer was charged with rape. And poor Shaq. It bothers him that Kobe doesnít bow down on one knee and acknowledge the fact that the Lakers are his team to boss around and lead on the court. Personally, I think Shaq is right. I mean, when the Lakers choked in the playoffs last year, it sure reminded me of the way the big man shoots from the foul line.
Unbelievable. The United States baseball team will not compete in the next Olympics because they failed to qualify with the 785th best team they could possibly field. Former Dodger manager Tommy Lasorda said it is "a shock and disgrace that the Americans wonít be represented in the Olympics" and then went on to complain about how most hot dog eating contests seem to be won by those little Japanese guys who are about a third of the size of the big fat Americans theyíre competing against. To add insult to injury, after the U.S. baseball team was eliminated from Olympic competition, Liza Minelli showed up in one of her drunken rages and beat the living crap out of the pitching staff.
And finally, we end this edition of F&R with a stork report or as I like to call it, "Old Dudes Having Babies." First there was 61 year-old Paul McCartney, whose wife Heather gave birth to a baby girl they named Beatrice. (After her late mother, not the Beatles.) Then 56 year-old David Lettermanís significant other popped out a baby boy that they named after Daveís late father Harry. Iím sure this made Daveís mom happy and should lead to many inspired comedy bits on his show, but one has to wonder if Paul McCartney will be rewriting the lyrics to one of his old Beatle songs in the near future. "Will you be teething, will I be breathing...When Iím sixty-four?" Or maybe not.
Fuck and Run- "The Archives" is right here in case you missed an edition.