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F & R Itís A Sad, Sad, Sad, Sad World  Itís
not President Bushís fault we went to war with Iraq over those weapons
of mass destruction that didnít exist. And donít blame the CIA either.
It canít be easy gathering intelligence when the enemy is creating a
"mystique" about their arsenal. Besides, if we had waited any longer,
Saddam Hussein just have may resorted to such tactics as double talk and
innuendo. Meanwhile, in the aftermath of the war, the new governing council in Iraq failed to choose a president and has decided to go with a three man rotating leadership instead. Correct me if Iím wrong, but the last time a three man rotation was used it was by the Chicago White Sox in the early seventies and it led to Chuck Tanner being fired as the manager. Okay, so we were wrong about Iraqís arsenal, but what about that secret nuclear plant North Korea is allegedly building? If this information is true, do we really want to go to war over it? And before you say yes, donít forget how long those last few seasons of M*A*S*H dragged on and on. Boo-hoo. Poor Kobe Bryant. He says the only thing heís really guilty of is adultery. What he means, of course, is the only thing heís guilty of is getting caught. Yeah, itís too bad that cheating on his wife and having sex with a nineteen-year-old woman is going to tarnish his squeaky clean image. You were supposed to obey your thirst, Kobe, not that thing in your pants. And what does Kobeís off-court antics mean for the Lakers new dream team? Him, Shaq, Moses Malone and Gary Payton - that was going to be a pretty hard lineup to beat. And to think, they were just four million Milk Bones and a fire hydrant away from signing that basketball shooting dog from "Air Bud" as their fifth starter. The ratings for "The Osbournes" are down this year. You know what that means. Time to marry off two of the cast members or add a cute little kid to the mix. And since tying the knot between Jack and Kelly would lead to a horrible incest we donít even want to think about, I say let the search begin for the next Ricky Segall. The head of a private historical group is upset that NBC televised a scantily dressed Beyonce Knowles doing a lascivious dance on the steps of Grantís Tomb during a 4th of July special. Apparently, heís not so mad about the broadcast being disrespectful, just at the fact it wasnít promoted enough in advance so he could have his VCR set to tape it. Recently Parade - a magazine so good they give it away with your Sunday newspaper - ran a cover story speculating what would have happened if John F. Kennedy Jr. had lived. Well, for one thing, Parade Magazine wouldnít have run a cover story speculating what would have happened if John F. Kennedy Jr. had lived. Since the last time I talked to you, famous people have been dropping like flies. Katharine Hepburn, god bless her. The greatest actress that ever graced the silver screen and a real class act. Sure, she was involved with a married man for many years, but she and Spencer Tracy were movie stars and back then movie stars did things a little bit differently. You know, in private. Yes, the world wonít quite be the same without Miss Hepburn, but at least weíll have Martin Short around to help us remember her. Barry White. A singer with a unique legacy. If a man wanted to have sex with a woman, his chances were always better if he were playing one of Mr. Whiteís records. In fact, in some states itís considered statutory rape if an adult male plays "Can't Get Enough Of Your Love, Babe" in the presence of a girl under the age of sixteen. Now heís gone, but thankfully weíve got Luther Vandross to fill his big shoes. Buddy Ebsen. You know him best as Jed Clampett in "The Beverly Hillbillies" or as Barnaby Jones in "Wuthering Heights." But did you know at one time he was a rubber legged hoofer who once traded steps with none other than Shirley Temple? (Donít worry, itís not as dirty as it sounds.) He was also the original choice to play the Tin Man in "The Wizard of Oz," but was replaced when he had an allergic reaction to being painted silver. (Which, oddly enough, is the same reason why my last serious relationship ended so abruptly.) Vince Lloyd. If you were a kid growing up in the Midwest and listened to the Chicago Cubsí games on WGN radio, you knew this manís voice well. Now heís gone to that great broadcast booth in the sky with Jack Brickhouse, Harry Carey and "The Good Kid" Lou Boudreau. But at least Arne Harris is up there calling the hat shots. Last but certainly not least...Buddy Hackett. Yeah, that cute, pudgy face guy who starred in films like Disneyís "The Love Bug" and then turned around and talked so dirty during his nightclub act that he could give Redd Foxx a run for his money. And who could forget those appearances on "The Tonight Show" when they came back from the commercial break and Johnny Carson and the audience would still be laughing hard at the joke Buddy told off camera. (You can be sure it wasnít the one about the chicken crossing the road.) Yes, Buddy Hackett is dead. And all I can say is "Shapoopi." Fuck and Run- "The Archives" is right here in case you missed an edition. |