As the year begins, we still mourn the loss of George Harrison and fear that more terrorist attacks may occur on U.S. soil. Meanwhile...

Idiot fans pelt referees with plastic bottles and other flying debris at Cleveland Browns Stadium after a controversial call costs their beloved Browns a football game and a possible shot at the playoffs. The next night on ABCís Monday Night Football, more asshole fans throw more crap on the field when they donít get their big baby way. And yet we still wonder why people from other countries think of us as "Ugly Americans."

Itís reported that EMI is willing to pay Mariah Carey millions of dollars to stop making albums for Virgin. (Maybe they found out she isnít one.) Well, with the big thud her "Glitter" soundtrack made, I think the payoff was money well spent, donít you? Oh, and Mariah, Mr. Hefner is on line one for you.

Former pop star Adam Ant (Real name: Do you really care?) is arrested at a London pub when he threatens to pistol-whip customers with a fake gun. Apparently, Mr. Ant was upset after finishing second in a recent Truman Capote look-alike contest.

Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling is married in a private ceremony, which may explain the title for the upcoming fifth installment of the Potter book series: "Harry Potter Leaves The Toilet Seat Up."

Also married, 56-year-old rock star Eric Clapton, who wed his 25-year-old girlfriend on New Yearís Day. Only former Rolling Stone Bill Wyman complains that the bride is too old for the groom.

The Patriots upset the Rams in the Super Bowl but the real shocker comes at the end of half-time when Paul McCartney joins Terry Bradshaw for an impromptu duet of "A Hard Dayís Night." Bradshaw, who claims this is a dream come true, forgets the words to the song and helps rekindle those rumors that he is one stupid-ass country boy.

Yet another rock group sells out when Led Zeppelinís "Rock & Roll" is used in a Cadillac commercial. Whatís next? "When The Levee Breaks" in a spot for laxatives?

NBC announces "Friends" will return for one more season when producers agree to pay each member of the cast a million dollars per show. Meanwhile, ABC renews "According to Jim" for a second season when producers agree to pay each viewer a million dollars per show.

On February 14th in New Delhi, gangs of Hindu Nationalists accosted couples holding hands, burned Valentine greeting cards and blocked the entrances to gift shops and restaurants. In other words, they pretty much celebrated Valentineís Day the way I do every year.

Lance Bass of NíSync negotiates to travel into outer space on a Russian rocket for an upcoming mission in November. Have you seen Lance Bass? Isnít he already in outer space?

We knew it could happen but we prayed that it wouldnít. After living in fear for months, the world had to face the unthinkable horror of Celine Dionís return to show business! But this is only the beginning. Rumors abound that Mariah Carey may get her own record label and Whitney Houston will have a new album out before the year is up. Ah, the axis of divas will not die easy.

CBS offers up "Baby Bob," a show about (gulp) a talking baby. Of course, only Bobís parents know he can talk, which makes it kind of like "Mr. End" or "My Mother The Car," but with the added comedy element of poopy diapers. The show is as dumb as the premise sounds but at least it gives Elliot Gould a chance to stretch as an actor. Not during the taping of the show, mind you, but when he makes the promotional rounds to grovel for higher ratings.

Elton John testifies before congress and says America has an obligation to use its vast resources to stop the spread of the AIDs epidemic around the world. Isnít this the same man who used his vast resources to devour drugs and alcohol like they were going out of style and spent millions of dollars on mindless, self indulgent shopping sprees?

In a related story, Eltonís big Ferrante & Teicher road show with Billy Joel has to be postponed when Joel checks into rehab after he looks in the mirror and sees Alan King staring back at him.

Singer R. Kelly uses the Shaggy defense ("It wasnít me") when a video tape shows someone who allegedly looks like him allegedly having sex with a girl who is allegedly underage. Meanwhile, his highly anticipated CD of alleged music with rapper Jay-Z bombs and R. must face the fact that his career has allegedly been flushed down the toilet.

The lead singer of Alice In Chains is found dead in his apartment and the music world stops to try and remember who the hell the lead singer of Alice In Chains was. (Layne Staley, for those of you keeping score at home.) For no apparent reason, Courtney Love sues the remaining members of the band and refuses to wash her hair until a settlement is reached.

Actor Robert Blake is finally arrested in connection with the murder of his wife, Bonny Lee Bakley. Blakeís lawyer says heíll defend his client by showing that lots of other people wanted Bakley dead, too, and Blake shouldnít be punished just because he got to it first.

Sportscaster Marv Albert was released from a New Jersey hospital just one day after receiving a concussion in a car accident. However, concerned doctors kept Marvís toupee under observation for another 24 hours just as a precautionary measure.

Macho stud actor Russell Crowe roughs up Moby in a menís room in Sydney. So what? Earlier in the year, Moby got beat up by an alley cat. Later on, heíll take verbal abuse from a hand puppet and get attacked by some wacko after a concert. Poor Moby. No wonder he spends so much time alone in his bedroom making techno records.

ABC cancels "Dharma & Greg" and people with brain cells rejoice. At least the actor who played Greg wonít have to worry about typecasting. He was the star of a network sitcom for five years and still nobody knows who the hell his is.

On the other end of the TV spectrum. "The Osbournes" is the most watched program in the history of MTV. Over six million people tune in to this reality show about a man who has no idea what reality is and itís quickly become the surprise hit of the year. Another famous TV dad, Bill Cosby, doesnít understand the showís success and complains that Ozzy and his family are just plain "sad." Ah, such stinging criticism from the man who brought you "Leonard Part 6" and "Ghost Dad."

Mick Jagger of The Rolling Stones is now Sir Mick after being knighted by the Queen. Yes, things sure are different in the Mother Country. They take guys who have slept around, taken drugs and abused alcohol and they call them, "sir.í Over here, we just address them as "Senator."

In celebration of their 40 years in show business, Sir Mick and his bandmates took their act on the road and unlike past tours, the Rolling Stones didnít have a new album to promote, which meant fans didnít have to put up with the obligatory new crap in between the obligatory greatest hits. Ticket prices were hefty, but this may be the last time fans get to see the three original members of the band perform live with their original hips.

John Gotti, former boss of the Gambino crime family, dies at the age of 61. Nicknamed the Teflon Don because other mobsters would fry eggs on him and marvel when the eggs would not stick, Gotti died in prison while serving a life sentence for racketeering, murder and being way too smug for his own good. His eulogy was given by his good friend, the Tupperware Don, but there is no truth to the rumor that Sammy "The Bull" Gravano sang at the funeral.

Two legendary rock and roll bass players died during the summer: Dee Dee Ramone of The Ramones of a drug overdose and The Whoís John Enthwistle from a heart attack brought on by cocaine use. Sad, but stupid. Especially for The Ox, who died on the eve of a big fat Who tour. The tour forged on, but it wasnít the same. And now Pete Townshend has plans to record a new Who album with just himself and Olí Roger. Suggested titles from Lip Service: "Whoís Left?" "Whoís Dead?" and "Who Are You (Kidding)?"

Breaking up isnít so hard to do. After only eight months of wedded bliss, Jennifer Lopez and her husband call it quits and J. Lo winds up in the arms of actor Ben Afleck. However, Nicolas Cage and Lisa Marie Presley best that time when they split after a mere three months. But not before The Kingís daughter persuades her OscarÆ-winng hubby to sell off his valuable comic book collection. Meanwhile, the bust up of the year still has to be that of Billy Bob Thorton and Angelina Jolie. Too bad. Now Billy Bob will have to write love songs about someone elseís panties on his next album.

U.S. troops discover a former Al Qaeda hideout in Afghanistan and uncover plans for a dirty bomb, photos of famous American landmarks and a first draft screenplay for Dana Carveyís "The Master of Disguise." ("Turtle! Turtle!")

The Pope speaks at a World Youth Day gathering in Toronto and 500,000 are in attendance, making it the perfect place for Catholic priests to hang out and find some action.

Thank god a Major League Baseball strike is averted when both sides finally wise up and agree to a deal. After all, the only thing more boring than listening to someone talk about grown men playing baseball for millions of dollars is listening to them talk about grown men not playing baseball for millions of dollars.

Lance Bass didn't get to take his joyride into outer space after all. His sponsors didnít cough up the cash needed to pay for his trip to the International Space Station, so he was bounced out of a Moscow training center like a dead beat who didnít pay his hotel bill. And that wasnít the only setback in Bassí attempt to become the first pop star astronaut. When he first arrived for training, he was immediately sent home because he forgot to have his mom sign his permission slip.

Twenty-eight million people watched as Kelly Clarkson won the title of "American Idol" and a million dollar recording contract, which just about covered the cost of checking her voice levels on the first day in the studio. And now only one question remains, "Will Kelly Clarkson become bigger than Sam Harris?"

Warren Zevon announced that he had cancer and it was going to kill him. But he kept his sense of humor and even appeared on "The Late Show" with his good friend and number one fan, David Letterman. Zevon was Daveís only guest on the show that night and the visit reminded us of how much we dig Letterman and why weíll miss Zevon. Two class acts indeed.

Johnny Unitas dies and the sports world mourns the loss of the greatest quarterback in the history of the NFL. Unlike the guys who step up under center today, Unitas didnít need coaches to send in the plays because he called his own. Plus he wore high tops, which automatically made him the coolest QB to ever play the game.

Winona Ryder is found guilty of taking stuff without paying for it and she is sentenced with the usual community service/probation package deal. Ryderís defense in the trial? She was only doing research for a upcoming film role. Poor baby. Maybe they should have forced her to star in a women behind bars flick as part of her community service. But not before she got a chance to research that role first for a period of no less than six months and no more than a year.

Michael Jackson had quite a year. He put out a new album. It disappeared. He blamed his record label. They disagreed. He called Tommy Mottola a racist. Mottola denied it. He showed up backstage at a Siegfried & Roy show with a new son. They adored it. A promoter took him to court over breach-of-contract and Jacko opted for the "Iím a visionary" defense. Then he shocked the world by dangling his son from a fourth floor balcony with a white towel covering the infantís head. Later, Jackson apologized and said he had made a mistake, but no one is quite sure if he was talking about endangering the baby or releasing the album.

The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame announces its class of 2003 and the list includes Elvis Costello and the Attractions, The Police, The Righteous Brothers, AC/DC and The Clash. Unfortunately, one of the honorees wonít be able to attend the ceremony as Joe Strummer of The Clash dies of a heart attack in December. Sadly, the music world not only lost a punk pioneer, but is also cheated out of a possible reunion of one of the greatest bands of all time.

Never say never again. NBC announces that "Friends" will be back for yet another final season. This time producers didnít offer the cast more money, they just showed them tapes of the sitcoms made by the ex-cast members of "Seinfeld."

The Queen Mother, Dudley Moore and Milton Berle all die and are trying to get into heaven. But first they have to convince St. Peter that they should be allowed to pass through the gates. The Queen Mother goes first and gives a dignified speech explaining why she should be given permission to go inside and spend eternity with God. St. Peter is impressed and waves her on. Next, comes Dudley Moore, who confesses his sins and sincerely begs for forgiveness. St. Peter is convinced and waves him on, too. Then comes Uncle Miltie, who confidently delivers a thirty minute monologue explaining why he should be permitted to walk through the gates and enter Heaven. But when Berle is through, St. Peter looks disappointed and doesnít wave him on. "Whatís wrong?" asks Berle. "Didnít you like my material?" "Sure, I liked it," replied St. Peter. "In fact, I liked it when Danny Kaye did it. And I liked it when Jackie Gleason did it. And..."