The MTV Video Music Awards and other things of worldly importance...

The Boss opened the show and thereís just one thing I gotta know: What was Mrs. Boss doing hogging the center mike with her hubby and Little Steven? Doesnít she know a wifeís place is on a platform next to the drummer, playing keyboards and singing off key during all the good parts?

Idea to Make the Show Better #1: Let James Brown perform more and Jimmy Fallon less. (Címon, The Godfather of Soul barely worked up a cold sweat, but Fallon was out of breath before he even started singing.)

Anthony Kiedis. How long has he been a member of the Jackson Browne Hair Club For Men?

Michael Jackson turns 44 and Britney Spears calls him the Artist of the Millennium. (Van Gogh, I hear, finished a close second.) Too bad Lance Bass wasnít on hand for the celebration. Michael couldíve passed along his insights on what itís really like living in outer space.

Michaelís ex-wife, Lisa Marie Presley Jackson Cage (no relation to the Bruce Spingsteen song) showed up to present an award wearing a nifty baby doll shirt with the words "Bite Me" written across the chest. Do you think Daddy Elvis would be proud of his little girl? Not only does she appear on national television almost half naked, but sheís already on her third husband and sheís had sex with at least two of them!!

In other King of Pop news...It turns out Michael suddenly has a six month old son and the world found out when he took Prince Michael II backstage to meet magicians Siegfried and Roy. (Yes, sometimes this stuff writes itself.) Anyway, a source close to Jacko says the child may have been conceived the "natural way," but others think he could have been put together using the spare parts Michael keeps around the house. (Which would explain why the baby has three noses.)

Sad, Sad, Sad - Part 1: David Lee Roth still trying to look like the pathetic rock and roll lounge lizard who used to give the roadies back stage passes to hand out to the hot babes at Van Halen concerts many years ago. And still trying to get mileage out of his wild and crazy party animal routine. Your fifteen minutes are up, Diamond Dave. Now just stay out of sight long enough so "Entertainment Tonight" can run their "Where Are They Now?" piece on you.

Shakira vs. Charo. Well, they both know how to shake their money makers, but music wise I have to give the nod to Shakira. Plus, if you go out on the town with her, you wonít have to put up with any of those annoying Xaiver Cugat stories.

The Olsen Twins. Whatís up with the hand holding bit? I mean, itís thin line between cute and creepy. And the future Playboy pictorial is a given, right?

Was it just me or was Justin Timberlakeís "solo" dance number way funnier than any of Jimmy Fallonís comedy goofs? (Not that Fallon didnít make me laugh a few times, but isnít his "Aw gee, Iím so nervous and excited to be in show business shtick wearing awfully thin by now?)

After P. Diddyís big "coming at you from all directions" performance, I half expected David Letterman to walk out and ask Paul Shaffer, "Is this something?" At the very least, he should have been on hand to introduce the show by asking, "Will it float?"

I have no problem with Eminem winning four awards during the festivities. After all, the kids seem to like his music and MTV doesnít consider old cranks like me as its target audience. But why doesnít the Great White Rapper loosen up and smile, for crying out loud! As Phil Hartman would say (as Frank Sinatra), "Just swing, baby, youíre platinum!"

Idea to Make the Show Better #2: Instead of handing out awards, let Christina Agulleria walk around in her next-to-nothing miniskirt outfit for three hours. Hubba-Hubba

Sad, Sad, Sad - Part 2: Axl Rose trying to pretend heís still fronting Guns Ní Roses. Oh, I get it - the guy with the wig and KFC bucket on his head was a take off on Slash, a man who at least has the decency to embarrass himself by playing bars without hiding behind the name of his old band.

In other news, former child and adult actor Robert Blake says he wil not be convicted of murdering his wife because he didnít do it. Yeah, heaven forbid Blake be the first innocent man ever sent to prison.

Speaking of celebrity court dates, a federal judge in Los Angeles ruled that Mariah Carey and "a team of songwriters" did not rip-off two other songwriters when they allegedly wrote and recorded "Thank God I Found You" for her "Butterfly" album in 1999. Now I know thereís a lot of money involved, but is it really enough to justify going to court and claiming your song sounds like something Mariah Carey would write?

And finally, thank god the baseball strike has been averted! After all, the only thing more boring than listening to someone talk about grown men playing baseball for millions of dollars is listening to them talk about grown men not playing baseball for millions of dollars. Besides, isnít it football season already?