You load 5,840 tons and what do you get? Another year older and an eye doctor tying to talk you into wearing bifocals.

Yes, one gets a special sense of history when their birthday falls on the same day of the year as the Watergate break-in, the O.J. Bronco chase and the birth of Barry Manilow. Ah, if only I could have waited one more day. Then I could celebrate with Sir Paul McCartney and a certain song from "The White Album" would really have special meaning to me. (And no, Iím not talking about "Why Donít We Do It In The Road?")

And speaking of people with the word "Sir" tacked onto the beginning of their names, isnít this knighting of British pop stars getting out of hand? Now when the Rolling Stones tour this summer, their lead singer will have to be introduced as Sir Mick Jagger. Yeah, things sure are different over in the Mother Country. They take guys who have slept around, done drugs and abused alcohol and they call them, "Sir." Over here, we just address them as "Senator."

My idea for a new TV show: "The Return of Jake & The Fat Man." Only this time the Fat Man is played by comedian Louie Anderson and instead of solving cases, heís just sort of annoyed by them.

Al Sharpton and Johnnie Cochran have teamed up and formed a coalition to investigate whether or not recording artists are getting ripped off by their record companies. Be honest, if youíre accusing someone of being dishonest and unscrupulous, are these the two guys you want delivering the message for you?

Woody Allen and his former producer Jean Doumanian settled out of court before Allenís lawsuit case went to the jury last week. Personally, I think Doumanian had a good shot of winning if she had just pleaded insanity and used tapes from her year as producer of "Saturday Night Live" as evidence. ("Two words to remember, ladies and gentlemen of the jury: Charles Rocket.")

Okay, so the record companies and a big time movie producer are being fingered (and not in a good way) for what their accusers call theft by creative bookkeeping. Well, itís nice to see thereís at least some creativity left in the entertainment industry.

Howís come people with Tourette Syndrome can say anything they want and get away with it, but if you get a little drunk and start "telling it like it is" in the Wal-Mart parking lot, youíre branded an asshole for life?

John Gotti, former boss of the Gambino crime family, is dead at the age of 61. Nicknamed the Teflon Don because other mobsters would fry eggs on him and marvel when the eggs would not stick, Gotti died in prison while serving a life sentence for racketeering, murder and being way too smug for his own good. His eulogy was given by his good friend, the Tupperware Don, but there is no truth to the rumor that Sammy "The Bull" Gravano sang at the funeral.

So David Bowie had to resort to a "Live By Request" broadcast to drum up interest for his new album. Whatís next? A special edition of "Divas Live" with Elton John and Rod Stewart? And did you catch those commercials where you could order Bowieís "Heathen" CD at the special price of just $18.98!! As Chris Rock would say, "How much if I just hold it up to my ear for a couple of seconds?"

Could it be true that The Eagles are actually going to record a brand new album together? Working title: "A Snowballís Chance In Hell That Anyone Would Buy Another One of Our Lame Solo Albums Again."

Jennifer Lopez and her husband (Cris Judd, if you care) have separated after eight months of wedded bliss. No immediately plans for the couple to divorce, but this one came as no real surprise to us at LL HQ. After all, itís tough for a guy (Cris Judd, again if you care) to make a marriage work when it happens on the rebound and every straight man in America wants to bone your wife silly. (And by straight man, I mean "non-gay," not Bud Abbott.)

That "Soak Up The Sun" song by Sheryl Crow sure is catchy, but what makes me think her biggest musical influence nowadays is Josie and the Pussycats?

ABC has a show in development about an eccentric family called "The Funkhausers." Sounds like your standard sitcom entry except for one intriguing bit of casting: Larry Storch as the voice of Koko the Clown. A clown, eh? How long do you think it will take before the baby boomer writing staff works, "It is BA-LOOOON!" into one of the scripts?

A techno remix of an Elvis Presley recording may return the late King to the top of the music charts. To paraphrase Sam Phillips, "If you could find a white man who sounds like a black man and have him sing over a computer that sounds like a drum, youíd make a million bucks."

Them songs is gettiní dirty. In current hot videos being played on SMTV (Sometimes Music Television), Nelly tells women to take their clothes off because itís hot in here and Khia wants somebody to lick it as she names off parts of her anatomy. And to think in my day we used to snicker when we sang, "Chick-A-Boom, Chick-A-Boom Boom Boom."

Another sign of the times: Two stickers on The Whoís new Ultimate Collection CD. One says "Includes ëWho Are Youí as heard on the hit TV Show CSI." The other says "Includes ëBargainí as featured in the Nissan commercial." Fair enough. They never sang, "Hope I die before I get sold," did they?

Holy unthinkable!! Can it be that I think I might actually maybe perhaps sort of like the new single by Eminem?! At the very least I find it has a contagious beat that I canít get out of my head for awhile after I hear it. And parts of the video are actually funny. Besides, you gotta give the man some props for dressing up like Robin the Boy Wonder. Now if someone would just talk Shakira into wearing a modified version of the Batgirl suit in her next video.

BTW - let me clarify something. I have no objections to women taking their clothes off when its hot or asking to be licked for any reason. Unless, of course, that woman happens to be Rosie OíDonnell, Bea Arthur or anyone from ABCís "The View." (Okay, so now Iíve saved myself the trouble of having to take a cold shower after imagining Shakira in a Batgirl suit.)

And finally, to end on a more serious note, we here at the home office bid a fond farewell to Dee Dee Ramone, the original bass player for the legendary punk band, The Ramones. Yes, now two of them are gone and they both left at almost the exact same age. Joey was just about to turn fifty when cancer took his life and Dee Dee died of a drug overdose right after hitting the big five-oh. Sad to see you go, Dee Dee, but at least now Joey has someone to count the songs off for him in that great Rock & Roll High School in the sky. Gabba-Gabba Goodbye.