"Is That All There Is?"

Singer Peggy Lee, dead at age 81. For some reason, my most vivid memory of Miss Lee was her appearance on a Ed Sullivan special saluting The Beatles. A variety of performers were on the show and each of them delivered their own unique interpretation of a Beatles classic. I think she sang "Maxwellís Silver Hammer," but I could be wrong. It was a such long time ago, after all. Or maybe I just dreamt the whole thing.

And speaking of dreams, the other night I dreamt that I was playing one-on-one touch football with Carmen Electra. No shit. Anyway, Carmen is running with the ball and I try to tackle her even though itís only supposed to be touch. She twists her ankle, falls to the ground and then tells me the only way to take her mind off the pain is for me to kiss her - a lot. And thatís when, right on cue, the alarm clock goes off.

Wow, the Oakland Raiders kinda got screwed in their playoff game, didnít they? But since it was only the Raiders, I guess it doesnít really matter. I just hope this doesnít cause Al Davis to sue the league, move his team or get tangled up in that big cord he uses to keep his glasses from falling off his head.

Tony Dungy kinda got screwed, too, but landed on his feet big time when he signed on as head coach of the Indianapolis Colts. Yeah, Colts and Bears in the Super Bowl after this one. And next year I should have two more teams to root against: Tampa Bay and whoever hires the Big Tuna.

What a lineup for the Super Bowl! Sir Paul McCartney will perform during the pre-game festivities and U2 will rock at half-time. And I think someone mentioned something about there being a football game being played as well.

The Chair. The Chamber. How about the toilet? Which is where all these stunt game shows belong, if you ask me. Yeah, not even maggots crawling all over Donnie Osmondís face can justify a steaming pile of monkey crap like Fear Factor.

And I would like to thank Jason Alexander for my new favorite phrase "a steaming pile of monkey crap." He used it at a Friars Club roast of Jerry Stiller and I find that it comes in very handy when describing almost anything that really, really sucks. But when I say it, I donít have to deal with the underlying guilt of having starred in a steaming pile of monkey crap like Bob Patterson.

Prince Harry is a party animal who likes to drink booze and smoke pot. Which raises the obvious question, who the fuck cares?

The Golden Globe Awards have been handed out and once again a world wide audience got to witness a parade of TV and movie stars accept their honors and try to explain why the Hollywood Foreign Press is so damn important to them. And in case you still donít know, theyíre important because they give out the Golden Globe Awards.

Congratulations to Keifer Sutherland for his Golden Globe win as Best Actor in a dramatic series. Now I just canít wait until his character on 24 starts blowing away the slimy bastards that kidnapped his wife and daughter. Agent Bauer rules!

And letís not forget to mention four Grammy nominations for producer T-Bone Burnett. But what I wanna know is when are we gonna finally get a full length album by the Coward Brothers?

B.B. and B.K. I thought the thrill was gone, but it looks like the bluesman got it back judging by the grin on his face when holds up his little bag of carryout fast food. But at least Mr. Kingís turn as a commercial spokesman is a lot easier to take than the one by Dennis Franz. Make a point in your ads about how you donít do ads and that way youíre not really selling out. Cute.

Shouting obscenities, making obscene gestures and attacking his future opponent at a press conference - itís all in a dayís work for Crazy Mike Tyson. Unfortunately for the former champ and convicted rapist, this latest outburst has put his upcoming bout with Lennox Lewis in jeopardy and again he has ruined any reasonable shot he had at becoming a Las Vegas casino greeter when his fight career is finished.

Itís hard to believe, but E.T. (the movie not the entertainment "news" program) is celebrating its 20th anniversary this year. The film will be re-released but not before a few changes are made to make it more viewer friendly. For one thing, the guns carried by government agents will become walkie talkies thanks to the magic of computer technology. The term "penis breath" will be removed from the dialogue track to make the film inoffensive to young ears. And instead of singing "Accidents Will Happen" when he comes home from football practice, Michael will shout out a few bars of "Who Let The Dogs Out?"

And I just remembered something else about Peggy Lee. She co-wrote the songs in Walt Disneyís Lady & The Tramp, which happens to be one of my favorite animated movies of all time. She also sang some of the songs and voiced a few of the characters, including the canine sex pot who sings "Heís A Tramp" and the scary Siamese cats, Si and Am ("We are Siameeize!") And Paul McCartney was such a big fan of Miss Peggy Lee that in 1974 he wrote and produced the title track for her Letís Love album. All that plus she gave us the definitive version of "Fever" and a great single called "Is That All There Is?" So letís have a drink to Peggy Lee - even though she is largely responsible for my fear of Siamese kitties.