The Return of the Three Rís

Unreal. Thatís the best word I can come up with to describe the horrific events that took place on September 11. And thatís why it took some extra time to motivate myself to crank out a new edition of this column. Somehow making fun of celebrities and complaining about the idiot who slows down the U-Scan line at Meijerís seems rather unimportant compared to the thousands of people who lost their lives in a real tragedy. But at some point we must all get back to what we do in life if we want our lives to move forward, and what I do is rant, rave and ridicule. We canít (and shouldnít) forget, but itís okay to forge on.

Yes, the president told us we should go back to our normal daily routines and the Chicago Cubs obliged by dropping out of playoff contention. This isnít me saying "I told you so." More like "I knew it." I spent too many summers having my heart broken by the Boys of Wrigley and when I finally said, "I wonít get fooled again," I meant it. Maybe they didnít stink up the league in 2001, but third place is still third place and I guess weíll all have to wait until next year (again).

In case youíve been wrapped up in the coverage of more important events and missed the latest barrage of Elton John news flashes, hereís a quick update: He thinks heís too old to adopt a child, he enjoys being gay and he still finds women attractive even though he hasnít slept with one in 18 years. Well, at least I can relate to the last part.

Damn! The Washington Redskins released Jeff George before I had a chance to make fun of him, which is too bad because he really, really sucked in the first two games. Oh well, maybe heíll hook up with another team before the season is over. Like Dallas. Can you think of a better guy to serve as a mentor to a young rookie quarterback than Mr. George?

If a home run record falls in the Major Leagues and no one cares about it, does it make a sound? (And does it count?)

Michael Jordan is back. The greatest basketball player of all time (unless you count that dog who can bounce the ball into the basket off his nose), Jordan has decided to play two years for the lowly Washington Wizards of the NBA and this year heís doing it for free, donating his million dollar salary to a relief fund for the victims of the terrorist attacks. I donít know about this comeback. Does his Airness still have what it takes or is he just over confident from going one-on-one with Mini-Me in those recent TV commercials?

And speaking of commercials, pioneer shock rocker Alice Cooper is in one for the Residence Inn. I hope Marilyn Manson is taking notes.

USA Today dropped Larry Kingís column from their newspaper and that just makes me sad. Some people made fun of Larryís brief insights into politics, entertainment and sports, but I think they were brilliant and to the point. Sure, he made it look easy and thatís probably why he never got the credit he deserved for his succinct "on-the-money" observations. And so in his honor Iíd just like to say, "People who didnít like reading Larry Kingís column in USA Today are misguided souls who shouldnít be allowed to vote or wear pants." See what I mean? He only made it look easy.

The new Shelby Lynne album doesnít come out until November, but Iíve seen the front and back photos for the CD jacket and all I can say is "Ooh la fuckiní la, she looks hot!" Iíve also heard the music on the disc and all I can say about that is "Ooh la fuckiní la, she looks hot!" I guess there are some things you canít cover up with lipstick and powder (not to mention air brushing and soft focus lighting).

The Creedence Clearwater Revival catalog is getting another revamp job and coming out as a spiffy box set on October 30th. Remastered yet again, this definitive collection will include all the old Golliwogs stuff fans have been clamoring for, not to mention tracks featuring Tom Fogerty as the lead singer of the band. Geeze, how many times can Saul Zaentz milk the CCR cow anyway? What next? A 30th anniversary edition of the Doug Clifford solo album?

I sure hope the gas station owners who raised prices on the day of the attacks buy themselves something nice with their blood money. And an extra eye roll of disgust for those dumb asses who rushed out and filled their tanks and gas cans in a selfish display of mindless hoarding. Hope you enjoyed those four to ten dollar gallons of prime petrol, shit heads. Is it any wonder that some people in other countries think Americans are greedy bastards who only care about themselves and money?

Game Show host and Adam Sandler ass kicker Bob Barker is being sued yet again by more disgruntled ex-employees. Two former staff members are taking Barker and "The Price is Right" to court claiming they were fired in retaliation for their testimony in a previous lawsuit, which was filed by a model who also got canned from the show. And things could get worse. Thereís talk that millions of cats, dogs and other household pets are contemplating a class action suit against Barker, saying heís responsible for them all getting spayed or neutered.

Ellen DeGeneresí new sitcom on CBS has done something I didnít think was possible. It makes her old sitcom on ABC look good by comparison. And now that the whole gay issue is way out in the open, whatís she gonna do to spark interest this time around? Have David Crosby sing a medley and father her child?

David Letterman is cool. After coverage of the terrorist attacks put his show on hiatus for a week, he returned the following week and did the right thing. He showed viewers his human side. Instead of charging head on as if nothing happened, Dave dumped the showís regular intro and opening monologue and began the program at his desk. And then he talked to his guests about what happened and what it meant to them. Instead of distraction, Dave opted for comfort and reassurance. And thatís just what we needed.

Does this jive? The performers for the "All-Star Tribute to John Lennon" in New York were Alanis Morissette, Dave Matthews, Stone Temple Pilots, Lou Reed, Marc Anthony, Nelly Furtado, Moby, Shelby Lynne, Cyndi Lauper, Yolanda Adams, Sean Lennon, Rufus Wainwright, Craig David and Billy Preston. I guess that list may be impressive to the youngsters, but it doesnít get me excited. (And isnít Billy Prestonís term as surrogate Beatle up yet?) Dave Stewart was the showís musical director, which gives me even more cause for concern. I mean, isnít he third string at such events behind Don Was and Paul Shaffer?

Meanwhile, Paul McCartneyís upcoming benefit show for New York City firefighters seems to have us old farts in mind with its guest lineup. Eric Clapton, Mick Jagger, James Taylor, Melissa Etheridge, John Mellencamp, Billy Joel, the Goo Goo Dolls, Macy Gray and The Who are some of the acts donating their talents to raise money in honor of those fallen heroes, the firemen who lost their lives trying to save others trapped in the World Trade Center. And Macca knows something about the bravery of firefighters in times of danger. His father was one during World War II.

And while weíre on the subject of all-star events raising money to provide relief in the tragedyís aftermath, how about the "Tribute to Heroes" telethon that all the networks and other stations ran in unison instead of their regular profit making programs? Quite an impressive lineup, I must say. Although Clint Eastwood may have frightened a few small children watching at home and Mariah Carey pulled her usual high pitch Minnie Ripperton rip-off crap during the otherwise uplifting finale, this was a show worth taping and an effort worthy of the contributions made. My favorite part: Neil Young at the piano singing John Lennonís "Imagine." Close runner-up: Paul Simonís appropriate choice of "Bridge Over Troubled Waters." (But am I the only one who kept wishing that Artie would walk out at any given moment and join in? I mean, if the United States and Russia can unite on this one, why canít these two guys?)

And with all the commotion during the past month, the passing of a true television legend went almost completely unnoticed. Iím talking about Frederick de Cordova, the former producer of ëThe Tonight Show,í who died at age 90 on September 15. If you donít remember Fred, he was the guy whose voice you heard off camera when Johnny Carson asked why a guest was running late or something of that nature. Sometimes we even caught a glimpse of him when he became the target of Johnnyís wicked barbs, most of which pertained to De Cordovaís earlier stint as a director of Hollywood B movies. Having the reputation of shooting quick and staying under budget, he worked on such classics as ëBedtime For Bonzoí starring Ronald Reagan, ëHere Come The Nelsonsí with TVís Nelson family and ëIíll Take Swedení starring Bob Hope. He even called the camera shots for Elvis Presley in a forgettable bit of fluff called ëFrankie and Johnnyí back in 1966. In 1983, the real life producer of a late night talk show got to play the producer of a fictional talk show in Martin Scorseseís ëThe King of Comedy,í which also starred Robert DeNiro and Jerry Lewis. Think about it. Scorsese, Lewis and De Cordova together on the same set. Three legendary film directors comparing notes and talking shop. Ah, to be a fly on that wall!

Anyway, I could go on and on, but I see Iím getting the "wrap it up signal" from my producer, so I guess itís time for me to sign off for now. Oh, and since the column ran a little long this week, comedian Stanley Myron Hamilton will have to be rescheduled for a future edition.

Remember, Come Together and Happy Birthday, John Lennon.