Mariah Carey, poor baby. She suffered an emotional and physical breakdown and I forgot to send flowers. Boo-fucking-hoo, I say and I mean that with all my heart. Ah, the stress of being a pop princess and having to thrust oneís chest out on a continuous basis! And should she fail to show enough ass during an appearance on TRL the results could be catastrophic!! Oh well, letís hope the cool down period does Miss Carey some good and she can quickly get back to the rigorous task of lip synching banal lyrics while sprawled out on the hood of a shiny sports car. And if not, Iím sure thereís a lot of folks out there that would pay big bucks for a pay-per-view crazy diva cat fight between her and Whitney.

Speaking of being crazy from the heat, I guess that one Backstreet Boy still isnít ready to come out and play with his high steppiní buddies. It only goes to show that the management running the Menudo empire had the right idea. Once the kids reach a certain age, get rid of ëem cuz theyíre only gonna cause trouble. And does anybody really care whoís in Destinyís Child as long as they can all squeeze nicely into those skimpy outfits?

Is the whole world going bananas? Now I hear actor Ben Affleck is checking into rehab to get over a drinking problem. Sure, another celebrity who canít cope with reality. Imagine the heavy burden of having good looks and winning an OscarÆ at such a young age. Just makes me wanna track down the troubled actor and give him a big mushy hug.

And then thereís the strange case of little Robert Downey Jr. of Hollywood, California.  He donít like the drugs but the drugs sure do like him. Now after receiving a lifetime achievement award from the narcotics division of the LAPD, Downey is once again trying to get back on the right track by appearing in an Elton John music video. I guess he figures if he can stay straight while doing that, nothing can make him relapse.

Wait, this message just in for Mariah Carey: Donít look back, honey, because somethingís gaining on you and her name is Britney Spears. Oops, sheís already passed your sorry ass, so never mind. (And when I say "sorry ass" I mean it in a figurative sense.)

Neil Diamond. If youíve never seen him live in concert before, hereís your chance to not see him again. Donít get me wrong. I like some of his early pop records, but then he started working with Barbara Streisand and Laurence Olivier and nothing was ever quite the same.  Plus heís got a brand new album out and you know heíll wanna sing a bunch of boring crap from that. Oh well, at least itíll give the crowd more opportunities for those unavoidable beer runs!

Youíd be better off checking out that guy roaming around the country performing a "Tribute to Wayne Newton" at a dinner theater near you. No, Wayneís not dead. This showís for those of us who canít make it to Vegas and others who just miss the cheesy mustache.

News Flash!  Michael Flatley, the Lord of the Dance, has decided to call it quits and retire from dancing. Hey, howís come all of sudden Iíve got the urge to do a happy jig?

Blue Man Group. Guys banging on shit and shit happens. It still goes right over my head. And why not Khaki Man Group? Doesnít it go with everything?

If itís summer, itís time for another gathering of Ringo Starr and his All-Starr Band of renowns. This time out heís talked Ian Hunter into joining the traveling entourage, which is good because Ian can wow the crowds with the theme from The Drew Carey Show and that one song that Great White mangled onto the charts. Also making the jaunt will be Greg Lake (yawn), Howard Jones (double yawn), and Shelia E (ooh la la!). Plus Roger Hodgson has offered to sing some of his Supertramp hits to help clear the theaters in between shows. Yeah, besides Starkey and Hunter, the roster has reached an all new level of lame. And next year I hear Ringo will be backed only by the bass player from the Bugaloos and the surviving members of the Harmonicats.

On the other hand, at least the Ringo Fest makes more sense to me than Todd Rundgrenís "A Trip Down Abbey Road" tour featuring himself with John Entwistle, Ann Wilson and Alan Parsons. A tribute to The Beatles? Sounds more like a tribute to paying the bills.

Jason Alexander - the only thing standing between me liking you and your Bob Patterson promos is you (pause for a beat) and your Bob Patterson promos. (And please say "hi" to Michael Richards when you run into him at the cancellation heap.)

I hear realtors are having trouble selling the late Wilt Chamberlainís house. No wonder. Molding isnít exactly the kind of trim people think of when talking about the Laker star who broke scoring records on and off the court during his lifetime. (And I hear the resale value went down drastically when they installed a 24 second clock in the bedroom.)

The Chicago Bulls, God bless ëem. Any resemblance to the current franchise and the one that won six NBA championships is purely a hallucination. But arenít they going a bit too far with the latest print ads? "Why season tickets?" exclaims an excited retail manager. "Because I love watching Kobe, Iverson, Shaq, Carter..." Hey, wait a minute...those are the other guys!! Geeze, Krause, why not just go out and hire the Washington Generals to be the home team?

Also in sports, it looks like the Cubs might do the unthinkable and actually win their division this year. But I havenít given up on them yet. I know in my heart they have the ability to blow their lead or at least get swept in the first round of the playoffs. Címon, this is the Cubbies weíre talking about. The team still haunted by the ghost of Don Young dropping an easy fly ball and getting yelled at by Ron Santo in 69. Okay, so the McGriff trade was the kind of deal a legitimate contender makes to solidify their chances, but thatís gotta be a trick of some kind.  I canít be the only one thinking that when the season is on the line with two outs and bases loaded in the ninth, manager Don Baylor is gonna go to the mound, turn to the bullpen and signal for...Ray Burris!!!

And this is the point where I always wake up screaming. Maybe Iím the one who should be checking into rehab.