"Some Like It Hot & Some Sweat When The Heat Is On"

"Itís not the heat, itís the humidity." Yeah, Iím gettiní real tired of hearing that one. Like weíd be worrying about the humidity if it was fifty degrees outside. I swear, the next time someone tosses that line my way, Iím gonna punch ëem in the face and say, "Itís not the fist, itís the velocity."

Sorry, Iím not really a violent person, but this weather is starting to stress me out. So hot, so sticky, so miserable. It just makes me wanna drive to a crowded intersection and start giving people the finger.

Speaking of hot, have you seen the naked pictures of Belinda Carlisle in Playboy Magazine? Me neither. I guess Iím way past wondering what she looks like air brushed. Now Susanna Hoffs is a whole ënuther story. (Iíd buy that for a dollar!)

Hey, I just got a letter in the mail telling me George W. Bush is sending me a check for $300!! And, of course, there was a guy on the news asking, "Is everybody getting some money or just those who paid taxes?" "Sorry," says LakinLand reader Kenn Kong, "this is ëfreeí money for those who actually earned it." Hmm, maybe they should take some money out of our refunds and give it to the lazy ass bastards who donít work for a living. Oh wait, the Democrats donít have that much control of the senate.

Stop shaking your head, Lee. I make fun of the Republicans, too. To me theyíre all just stinky politicians who canít be trusted. Some try to buy your vote with tax rebates and others wanna do the horizontal rumba with an intern. What happened to the good old days of a chicken in every pot and the Kennedy boys sleeping with hot babes like Marilyn Monroe? Christ, interns are for horny college professors and small market news directors with bad comb overs.

Wait a minute, this just it from Larry King: "When it comes to sandwiches, nothing beats the kind made with two pieces of bread and something good put in between them."

Iím not sure I understand this whole Paula Poundstone child endangerment case. What did she do, perform her standup act in front of them? And howís come her lawyer first claimed his client did nothing wrong and is now saying Paulaís in rehab because her drinking might have contributed to the problem? Sorry, but when you drink a lot, youíre the one who starts to see things, not the people around you. The only other person I know who had this same misconception was my Uncle Bip, who used to down a bottle of Scotch when he came over because he wanted to show us kids the pink elephants and women who found him attractive. And this whole ordeal couldnít come at a worse time for Poundstone. It may jeopardize her choice gig as a panelist on the new syndicated version of To Tell The Truth.

"Girl, I hear youíre getting married." Yes, itís official: Jennifer Lopez is engaged! Dang. Not that Iím a big fan of Miss Lopez or her music, but like Garrett Morris in a famous SNL sketch, I like women I can swat on the butt with a car antenna and now thereís one less of those up for grabs.

And in more relationship news...Can it be true that Russell Crowe and Nicole Kidman are getting it on? Does this mean weíve reached the semifinal round of the celebrity breakup playoffs?? And if so, why is Nicoleís ex-meat Tom Cruise fooling around with Penelope Cruz? Sure sheís hot, but what famous person did she have a go at? (And in case you wondering, this is a bye week for Julia Roberts and thatís why sheís not playing the field at this time.)

Ringmaster Ned must be rolling over in his grave. On a special tribute and farewell to WGNís very own Bozo Show, the worldís most famous clown let a little girl step over the white line and cheat like crazy in the Grand Prize Game. Okay, so she was a cutie pie and it meant that the sponsors had to cough up some big prizes, but why tamper with the integrity of the sport? Now we can only wonder if the Grand March contests were fixed and if Ray Rayner was secretly betting on those turtle races.

Also under the big top...Billy Corgan (ex-Smashing Pumpkins) was on had to pay tribute to the clown he grew up watching by performing a special version of Bob Dylanís "Forever Young." What was so special about it? It stunk. Yes, even with a heartwarming montage of old film clips, it was the first time in memory that a performance of this song failed to move me. And to think they could have used that spot in the show for local baton twirlers.

This is almost too funny to be true. Among the acts at this yearís local 4-H fair are look-alike tributes to Britney Spears and the Backstreet Boys. Not the real thing, but in fake Britneyís case, an incredible stimulation. Do you think this could have something to do with one of the Backstreet Boysí recently revealed bout with depression? Or did he just ignore his managerís advice and listen to one of his own albums?

And finally, there seems to be trouble brewing in a planned live reunion of Michael Jackson and his brothers. Jermaine and Randy have threatened to boycott the event in September because true fans of the Jacksons canít afford the hefty ticket price of $2,500. Yeah, without those two the face value of the tickets could plummet to $2,499.50. But promoters are not worried. After all, Michael is a draw all by himself and fewer brothers on stage will just give Tito a bigger chance to shine.

Now if youíll excuse me, Iíve got an appointment for a cool and relaxing pop sickle massage. Until next time, keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for that thermostat.