Open Up the Honky-Tonks, I Need a Drink

Man, donít listen to Rhinoís new two disc Gram Parsons Anthology when youíre alone on a Saturday night. Especially if thereís some beer in the fridge. Thatís what I did and by the time I got to the Flying Burrito Brothersí version of "Do Right Woman," I was already feeling sorry for myself and talking to old pictures of my ex-girlfriends. Well, at least the ones that survived the great "To Hell With ëEm All" bonfire I held a few years back. And Iím talking about the pictures, of course. As far as I know, itís still against the law to set ex-girlfriends on fire in most states.

Robert Downey Dumbass, Jr., was arrested on drug possession charges again and this time it cost him his job on Ally McBeal. Poor bastard. The stress of getting paid a lot of money to play act was just too much for him. No, itís not his fault. The drugs were talking to him like a bowl of Rice Krispies and he couldnít resist their hypnotic cries of "Snap, crackle, pop us in your mouth, you sick fuck."

Like I said, heís not to blame. Itís not easy being in the public eye. Even Ethel Mertz had demons she had to battle. Yeah, I saw it on the E! channelís Mysteries, Scandals and What Todd Bridges Did Last Week. Poor Vivian Vance. Lucy told her she had to stay plump to play Ethel and William Frawley made her life a living hell. But thatís only because the booze was talking to him. Vaudeville had itís pressures too, you know.

Hmmm, wasnít there something missing in the Wingspan special on A-Beatle-C? You know, like interviews with some of the other members of Wings. That is, the ones that didnít go by the last name of McCartney. Surely, they canít all be dead already. And there had to be some reason why there was such a high turnover rate in one of the worldís most successful recording and touring units of the 70ís. Bad medical plan? Hazardous working conditions? Paul & Linda didnít share any of the good pot? On second thought, he was Paul McCartney dammit. Who cares what the hell Laurence Juber thinks.

Ian Hunter has a new CD out called Rant. Havenít bought it or heard it yet, so youíll have to wait for my final word on its merit, but I bring it up because I just read somewhere that Mr. Hunter will be taking part in the next Ringo Starr & His All Starr Band traveling revue. Is this for real? And if so, wonít it suck when he starts playing "Cleveland Rocks" and someone in the audience says, "Hey, itís the Drew Carey theme song!"

Howís come nobody told me the second season of Survivor ended? Did that flabby poofter win again? And to be fair, I actually tried to get into the show this year, but after five weeks it turned out I was mistakenly watching episodes of Bette. And I doubt Iíll make the effort to watch Survivor III when it comes around. My inside sources at CBS tell me its scheduled to take place in Louie Andersonís pants.

Looks like weíll have to wait at least another month before we get to see the needle and the damage done to Timothy McVeigh. The FBI turned over a box of evidence they forgot to give McVeighís lawyers and that means thereís some doubt over whether or not Timmy got a fair trial. The FBI insists the oversight was not intentional. Said one agent, "Someone accidentally set the box down in the room where we keep the naked pictures of Martin Luther King and J. Edgarís old cocktail dresses."

I still donít have HBO, but I have seen the first season of The Sopranos thanks to its release on DVD. Okay, it really is that good and I canít wait to see the second and third seasons to find out what else Iíve been missing. The only problem is theyíre not out on DVD yet and Iíd have to watch the shows on some VHS tapes that a friend recorded. Ouch.

And speaking of The Sopranos, plans are now underway to remodel LakinLand headquarters and turn it into an exact replica of the Bada Bing club. However due to zoning ordinances, there will be a couple of differences. Instead of topless dancers and booze, weíll have bumper cars and Little Debbie snack cakes.

Robert Blake. Do I really need to add my two cents to this, or is it bizarre enough on its own? From what I hear, police have a new lead in the case involving the murder of Blakeís wife. "Keep your eye on the sparrow," a man known only as Rooster told investigators. And thatís the name of that tune.

The XFL is no more. It is done. Finished. Kaput. Vince McMahon pulled the plug mercifully after the inaugural season ended with a pathetic whimper and executives at NBC turned off the lights and hid under the table whenever he dropped by to discuss the second yearís TV contract. The league lost money, lots of it, and the ratings dropped faster than a really big fat guy falling out of an airplane. When asked what NBC planned to air in place of the weekly XFL telecasts, a network spokesman said, "Well, anything really. Paint drying, a test pattern, old reruns of Hey Landlord." Yeah, definitely not a hard act to follow. And I guess that smell coming from our sets wasnít something The Rock was cooking.

Itís been a bad year for Nicole Kidman so far. Her hubby Tom Cruise suddenly dumped her after ten years of marriage, she suffered a miscarriage of his child and then a nutty stalker started following her around. This wacko says he wants to marry Kidman, tutor her children and then run for president in four years. Well, at least he has ambition. Most stalkers would settle for a pair of soiled panties.

Uh-oh, plenty of zany stuff taking place on the season finales of ABCís boffo sitcoms. Greg doesnít know if he can trust Dharma after she accepts a lift from Kevin Sorbo. Viewers get to pick which cast member gets pregnant on Two Guys and a Girl. And Drew Carey goes nuts. Wait a minute. I thought they settled the writers strike.

Ending on a sad note...Legendary sports announcer Ben Bentley died Tuesday, May 1, at the age of 81. Although he became well known as a prominent voice in the boxing world and was the first announcer and publicist for the Chicago Bulls, he will best be remember by us as the wide-eyed, cigar smoking moderator of The Sportswriters on TV, a program on which Bentley held court over three Chicago sportswriters and debated the top stories and issues in the world of sports. And no matter what the subject was, Ben always had a way of segueing into a yarn about Rocky Marciano, Muhammad Ali or another one of his favorite pugilists. Ben Bentley. You will be missed and tonight weíll light one up in your honor.