In an attempt to keep the cable bill under three figures I donít have HBO and that means I didnít catch the big season premiere of The Sopranos the other night. So whatís this I hear about the late Nancy Marchand making one last appearance on the show even though the word "late" before her name implies sheís quite dead? Did they use some kind of trick photography to stick her in like something out of Forrest Gump, Zelig or a John Wayne beer commercial? Or did they just take an old scene she did and animate her lips like one of those talking cats in a cat food commercial? No matter how they did it, I gotta say it sounds downright creepy. Hell, why didnít they just dig up some old Lou Grant footage and keep her character alive for the whole season?

Near tragedy on the set on TVís favorite reality debased program Survivor when one of the contestants pulled a Gilligan and fell into the campfire, which, according to inside sources, was very hot. And just like in real life, producers intervened and had the burn victim airlifted to a hospital for treatment of second and third degree burns which covered a good fifty plus share of the victimís hands. The survivor, whose name I felt wasnít important enough to look up, also happened to be the instigator of the infamous wild pig stabbing incident during a previous episode of the program, a vicious act that caused an uproar from animal rights groups and people with good taste in general. Too bad the pig wasnít taking part in a reality TV series of his own, then his producers couldíve rushed in and saved him from the murder happy game show contestants that took his life in the name of higher ratings, stupidity and greed.

Jane Fonda donated 12.5 million dollars to Harvard University to study the effect gender has in learning. Yes, itís always heartwarming to see celebrities help the needy. And to think she gave away all that moolah and didnít even get a free tank ride!

The novelty has worn off and ratings for the XFL have taken a nose-dive over the past few weeks. In an effort to juice up the telecasts, the league has added former NFL player and American Gladiators host Mike Adamle as the third man in the A-game broadcast booth, thus freeing up Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura to concentrate fully on his role as XFL buffoon. This means "The Body" has more time to heap verbal abuse on Hitmen head coach Rusty Tillman and even run down to the sideline to taunt him face-to-face on occasion. Just another one of the moves that will help instill some credibility thatís been missing from the league and make it seem like viewers are watching a real pro football game. The next brilliant innovation: Live cameras in the Cheerleadersí dressing room! (But why not secret live cameras?)

Have you seen any of the promos for the networksí new mid season replacement shows? Letís see, thereís an X-Files spin-off of The Lone Gunmen, a cop show starring Ed OíNeill and new sitcoms headed up by Brian Dennehy, Damon Wayans and Dennis Leary. It all looks pretty stale if you ask me. Why donít they just make a series based on that kooky Sizzle & Stir commercial where Chuck Woolery, Pat Morita and Little Richard are getting ready for dinner at some halfway house for celebrity has-beens? Now, thatís something Iíd watch!

Another new show is Some of My Best Friends on CBS. Itís a sitcom starring Jason Bateman as a gay man who lives with a straight roommate. I guess itís filling the homo void created when John Goodmanís Normal, Whatever got dropped from the schedule. And if it doesnít work out, maybe Bateman could be the wacky neighbor on the Sizzle & Stir series. That is, if they canít get the rights to use a computer generated Morey Amsterdam to play the part.

Of course, to make room for new shows the networks have to cancel some programs that arenít performing up to snuff. Say good-bye to Bette, the CBS sitcom starring singer Bette Midler as well, Bette Midler. (Not convincing enough, I guess.) Yes, add the Divine Miss M to the long list of big name stars who couldnít make the transition from the big screen to the small screen with ease. Well, actually in her case the transition was a rather smooth one. People didnít watch her TV show much in the same way they didnít go to her movies.

Maybe Vice President Dick Cheney should use this whole weak heart situation to his advantage. Whenever a vote doesnít go his way in the senate, he could jump up, grab his chest and shout, "You hear, that Elizabeth? Iím cominí to join you! This is the big one!!" And if he ever decides to run for president, Iíve got a suggestion for a possible campaign slogan: "Vote for Dick Cheney. Thatís Cheney. C-H-E-N-E-Y period."

VH-1ís Behind The Music is a great show even when it examines the career of someone I donít really care about. Like the Doobie Brothers. They were just hitting it super big when all of a sudden their lead singer and main songwriter had to drop out of the band for health reasons. (For one thing, he was puking a lot.) Anyway, they bring in this other guy and he changes their sound, but they get even bigger. And that manís name was Michael McDonald. Man, Iíd forgotten all about him and then it all came rushing back. The leader of the Crap Pack of the late seventies and early eighties, McDonald not only watered down the Doobiesí sound with his misguided interpretation of blue-eyed soul but he also went on and made solo records that got way too much airplay and collaborated, sang and rubbed elbows with the likes of Kenny Loggins, Toto and (prepare yourselves) Christopher Cross. Ah, what a fool believes is good music.

Knock-knock. "Whoís there?" Aja. "Aja who?" Aja glad I didnít say anything about Michael McDonald singing back-up for that one Grammy winning band whose music bores me to tears?

Another favorite TV program is E! True Hollywood Story. Last week they ran a behind the scenes "tell all" on the cast of Eight Is Enough. Geeze, cute little Adam Rich drinkiní, drugginí and watching porno flicks. Hmm, do you think the episode where Nicholas has trouble riding a bike without training wheels was just a metaphor for his real problems?

Okay, the new Aerosmith CD is out and itís called Just Press Play. Does this mean they think their fans are too stupid to figure it out for themselves? And are they giving them too much credit by not naming it Unwrap It, Take It Out Of The Case, Turn On The Player, Put It In The Player and Then Just Press Play?

And hereís some bad news for all you metal heads out there. It seems that those dudes from Metallica donít get along very well and they donít limit their head banging to just the music they play. The singer says the drummer isnít any good, the drummer says the singer is homophobic and the bass player said he quit because the other guys picked on him. All this back biting comes from the interviews Metallica band members gave in an upcoming issue of Playboy Magazine. Speaking of Playboy, did you happen to catch Hugh Hefnerís entrance at the Grammys? Yeah, that was Old Hef all right, gladly escorting his small legion of fembots into the Staples Center and grinning from ear to ear over the mathematical possibilities that await him after the awards are over. And to think my Grandpa used to be satisfied with a good fishing program on the TV and a shot of whiskey in his coffee.