The Grammy Awards 2001

Not that it matters (and it doesnít), but can anyone tell me without giggling why Two Against Nature by Steely Dan was named Album of the Year? Itís a forgettable record (CD) made by music nerds whose boring albums in the 70ís sold well because they made your stereo speakers sound good. Then Brothers in Arms was released and Steely Dan became obsolete. So maybe this award is just a way of saying thanks for helping move all those overpriced component systems until Dire Straits came along.

U2 picked up two coveted awards that also donít matter. Record of the Year, which goes to the artists and the producers, and Song of the Year, which goes to the songwriters. Fortunately "Say My Name" by Destinyís Child didnít win the latter award, since there wasnít enough room on stage for all the songwriters to accept the honor. Hell, how many people does it take to write a song like that anyway? Did they give a credit to everybody in the studio including the guy who delivered the sandwhiches? And itís not like itís a frigging musical version of Beowulf or anything.

Host Jon Stewart. Richard Lewis without the hair or anxiety. Wasnít funny even when he had funny lines to say. When will these awards shows learn there is an art to performing in front of two audiences at once - the large audience in the auditorium and the even larger one watching all over the world. Maybe they should have just let The Edge host the show.

Jenna Elfman and Carson Daily on stage at the same time. Whereís an exploding podium when you need one?

While gays and lesbians protested outside the Staples Center, Elton John, the Grand Poofter of Rock and Roll, teamed up with Eminem to perform a song from the controversial rapperís But You Doesnít Have To Call Me Shady album. I keep hearing about how clever Em is, but to me his little ditty about murder and suicide sounded a lot like one of those stories out of Rod Serlingís Night Gallery. (Or an O. Henry tale with cuss words.) How ironic that Em answers the guyís letter after he drives off a cliff with his old lady in the trunk! The only thing missing is a sample of Homer Simpson going "Díoh!" at the end.

Damn you, Sir Elton! Whatever happened to integrity at the Grammys? You never saw Liberace share the same stage with Redd Foxx, did you? But hopefully Eltonís performance gained him some credibility with the young music buyers and it will goose ticket sales for the Ferrante and Teicher act heís taking on the road with fellow piano man Billy Joel. But just to play if safe, maybe they should add a rap-metal version of "Benny and the Jets" to the set list.

Oh, Eminem, what a defiant little bastard you are! You donít care about the Grammys but you showed up to get yours anyway.  And earlier in the week you showed up in a courtroom wearing a suit to plead your way out of a prison sentence. "Yes, I had dee gun. I did not mean to have dee gun. Please do not send me to jail for hitting dee man with dee gun." Iím paraphrasing, of course, but the bottom line is this Slim Shady character ainít the modern day Lenny Bruce people make him out to be, tank you veddy much.

But at least Mr. Mathers got a chance to express himself by flipping everybody off at the Staples Center. I guess thatís part of his artistic statement. He also got to use swear words in his rap, even though they were bleeped out so not to offend any of the viewers at home. Perhaps if he had stabbed a wild animal to death and smeared its blood on his face the good people at CBS would have let it air uncensored, but I guess theyíve got to draw the line somewhere. And itís not like questionable language hasnít been an issue before at the Grammys. Who could forget the uproar after the first time Tennessee Ernie Ford was introduced as "That Old Pea Picker."

In an effort to build a bridge over possible troubled waters, Recording Academy President Michael Green came out and explained to viewers that music is art and we should have tolerance for what we don't understand and "blah-blah-blah-blah."  What he should have explained is the importance of a good ratings share and how it increases when you have a big fat controversy stirring things up.

One nice thing about televised awards shows is you get to see some half naked ladies strut their stuff. Too bad the song medley performed by Destinyís Child wasnít as exciting as the skimpy outfits they wore. Yes, blue is my favorite color - especially when thereís so little of it. But this yearís Cher award goes to singer Toni Braxton, who decided to leave the sides of her white dress at home when she dropped by to present an award. Very nice, but not as practical as the revealing little number Jennifer Lopez wore last year, which doubled nicely as a pair of drapes in J. Loís bedroom. And Iím sure glad this battle of the flesh didnít take place back in the days when Kate Smith and Ethel Merman were vying for Grammy recognition.

Meanwhile, Shelby Lynneís tacky halter tops made her look like a common bar slut hoping to get a ride home after last call. I guess the cleavage helped distract attention away from the lines on the face of a older woman competing for the Best New Artist award, which Lynne won by nudging out Diana Ross, the Doobie Brothers and Beethoven.

Some other winners included...

Robbie Robertson and Val Kilmer presented the very first Best Native American Music Album Grammy to the recordís two Indian producers, who immediately traded them for some cheap glass beads and a bottle of fire water.

Sting picked up an award for Best Male Pop Vocal Performance, which means the Grammy voters have completely forgiven him for making those really good early records with his former band, The Police.

Best Dance Recording of the Year? The Baha Menís "Who Let The Dogs Out." Which only makes sense if your idea of dancing is getting drunk at a football game and jumping up and down like a total idiot with your shirt off in subzero weather.

Johnny Cash, Emmylou Harris, Randy Newman and the late Tito Puente all won in various catagories presented prior to the  televised awards. Plus Eric Clapton and B.B. King were honored when Riding With The King earned a Grammy for Best Traditional Blues Album. I donít know, can you really call it traditional blues when its being played by guys who have all their teeth and their friends wonít have to throw a fund raiser to help pay for their funeral costs when they die?

And finally, did anyone else happen to catch the pre-awards show on E! hosted by Joan Rivers? For a minute there I thought I was watching an old episode of Madameís Place, the syndicated show from the early 80ís starring that horny old hussy puppet operated by Wayland Flowers. In fact, the only way I could tell the difference is Rivers didnít have Waylandís rod shoved up her ass to make her lips move.