"Happy Valentineís, Honey. I got ya some divorce papers." Yeah, Nicole Kidman sure was surprised when soon to be ex-hubby Tom Cruise didnít opt for the usual flowers and candy schmaltz. Less than two months ago she and Cruise were renewing their vows and thumbing their noses at the cynics who said their marriage wouldnít last. Then a couple of weeks ago they suddenly announced they were separating. And now the coup de grace. Tommy boy wants to make the split a permanent deal. What the hell happened? I thought if they could make it through Eyes Wide Shut they could make it though anything.

Getting back to Valentineís Day, I was gonna make some joke about how I was in love with Jennifer Lopezís ass, but that was before I watched Will Ferrell do his embarrassing "I wanna bite your butt" sketch with Miss Lopez on the opening of Saturday Night Live. Wow, she had the number one movie at the box office and the number one album on the charts, and yet she agreed to do crap like that on national television. Screw bad taste. It just wasnít funny. Unless, of course, you define funny as being excruciating to watch.

Speaking of Jennifer Lopez, I find this whole J-LO thing to be rather catchy and Iím seriously thinking about changing my name to D-LA. (pronounced "Dee-La") Or maybe Iíll just go back to my old high school nickname of Happy Pants.

Glad all over that I donít watch Survivor. Week three and theyíve already booted off the Bea Arthur look-alike. I guess her overall Maude appeal isnít the kind of thing that attracts the right demographics. Perhaps someone who resembles an in-her-prime Adrienne Barbeau would be better suited to sweat profusely and run away from dingoes in the outback. Now Iím not insinuating thereís any monkey business going on in the voting. Iím sure that whole lawsuit ugliness is just sour grapes. I mean, if you canít trust a network TV producer, who can you trust?

Maybe I can crack wise over this Survivor lawsuit brouhaha, but itís no laughing matter to CBS. David Letterman did a top ten list lampooning the situation and was told by the network sensors that he couldnít air it. So Dave had to tape another top ten list (J-LO related, by the way) and insert it in the offending oneís place. And while weíre on the subject of top ten lists and David Letterman, he made TV Guideís prestigious top ten list of TV MVPís. Not only for still being the best late night talk show host (and he is), but also for heading up Worldwide Pants, the production company responsible for two of the other shows worth watching this year, Everybody Loves Raymond and Ed. (A jeer within a cheer - Why didnít Biff Henderson also make TV Guideís list?)

Week two of the XFL and everyone gets a whiff of what the Rock is cooking as he opens up the telecast with an emotional pre-game pep talk at the L.A. Coliseum in front 30,000 fans that have nothing better to do (or no one to give their comp tickets to). In another move to blur the line between the XFL and pro wrestling, WWF commentator Jim Ross has been promoted to the A game and will share announcing duties with the Governor of Minnesota, the honorable Jesse "The Blah-Blah" Ventura. There is some good news, however. The L.A. cheerleaders are a lot hotter than the Las Vegas silicone skags we saw last week and the game itself went into overtime. Iím still not 100% sure how the overtime works, since I was trying to watch it and clip my toe nails at the same time, but at least they didnít decide the outcome with a ladder match.

The ancestors of Billy the Kid are trying to clear his name and get a pardon for the infamous gunfighter who has been dead and buried for well over a hundred years. Whatís the point, you ask? Well, if he does get a pardon, it means the deceased outlaw will be eligible to vote in all future Chicago elections.

Wow, can you believe the president and vice-president of the United States hardly spoke to each other during the final year of their administration? Yeah, who knew the mightiest nation in the world was being run by the Sunshine Boys. The air was finally cleared after Gore conceded the election and blamed the loss on Clintonís oval office high jinks. Clinton, in return, told Gore he lost the election himself by turning his back on the accomplishments made during the Bubba years. Then things really got ugly when Gore accused Clinton of getting peanut butter on his chocolate and Clinton shot back that it was Gore who got chocolate in his peanut butter.

Am I the only one who thinks the testimony in the Puff Daddy trial is starting to sound like an Aerosmith song? "Puffy had a gun. Puffy had a gun. Then everybody run. Cause Puffy had a gun." 

It must be sweeps month. One of the local news shows is running a hard hitting week long series in which they help a bride plan her wedding.  They'll pick out the dress, taste wedding cake frostings, decide who to snub with the invites - the whole nine yards. Man, itís pretty obvious now why they keep expanding the length of the local news. Thereís so much important stuff they gotta report and so little time! Iím not sure how well this current expose will do in the ratings, but I doubt very much anything will ever match the popularity of "Letís Do Makeovers" week.

Ratings brings us back to Survivor, of course, and in case you havenít heard, the new "super size" version of Friends is losing out to the "reality" program when all the precious numbers are added up. Itís not a total loss though. NBC can always sell the forty minute episodes to broadcast and film schools to be used as training tapes called, "Why Editing is Important."

The Drew Carey Show is also going all out to nab a big share during the sweeps. Letís see... Drew dies, heís on his way to heaven and runs into Mimiís baby just before itís born, he has to convince the baby to go through with the birth and so he lets his soul inhabit the babyís body... Christ, just give me some bad LSD and a swift kick in the groin. Same difference, only less painful.

The human genetic map is not yet completed but scientists are already doing handstands and back flips over its importance. Apparently, this breakthrough in modern science will be able to determine if a person will become an addict or get certain diseases such as cancer or the heartbreak of psoriasis. It may even detect why some people prefer The Munsters over The Addams Family and which men are most likely to leave the toilet seat up after marriage.

And yes, it is Valentineís Day week and Iím sure you expect me to unleash the bitterness of being a single guy at a time when almost everyone else is exchanging chocolates and trying to come up with a different way to have sex because they want it to be "special." Well, Iíve got a suggestion. How about going without it for a really, really, really, really long time and then doing it. That would make it special, by fucking golly. Sorry, a smidgen of the bitterness leaked out. Just be thankful I donít work for the post office.