Sue Me, Sue You Blues & Other Assorted Love Songs

Who says the new Beatles 1 compilation isnít for the diehard fan who already owns all the other albums by John, Paul, George and Ringo? Among those standing in line outside a U.K. record store to purchase the disc on the first day of release was none other than Elvis Costello, a well known Beatles fan and recordphile. Being one of the first to own repackaged music by the greatest pop group ever had to be important for Mr. Costello to take time out from his latest project. Heís developing a TV series for the WB network about the trials and tribulations of an all-girl band trying to make a living in the fast paced world of rock and roll. Help me out here. Is that a step up or a step down from working with Burt Bacharach?

The John Lennon Story on NBC. Why bother? Itís been done before, just never this bad. There was The Birth of the Beatles and Backbeat, but neither of them gave us the "giant head" version of the young John Lennon. How painfully boring. And donít you just hate it when they try to cram all those well known facts into the movie but canít work them in naturally. In real life George Harrison told George Martin to his face he didnít like his tie, but in the movie itís a remark made after the fact. Everything was so neat and tidy, including the sacking of Pete Best. Almost like taking a tour bus ride of the groupís formative years, "If you look to your right, youíll see a customer asking Brian Epstein for a copy of ëMy Bonnieí and to your left is Astrid giving the boys their first Beatle haircuts."

Fearing that he might lose out on the ëDumbass of the Yearí award, Robert Downey, Jr., got himself arrested one more time for good measure. This time police Mirandized the actor after finding some cocaine and a Wonder Woman costume in his hotel room. Legal experts think Downey may beat the drug rap, but only if he pleads guilty on the lesser charge of illegal possession of a super hero outfit.

Raise your hand if youíre getting tired of reading about Elton John in the news. The chubby little poofter has a new live greatest hits album out called "Big Stinkiní Act of Desperation" and heís gone to court to sue his ex-business manager for mishandling his millions. Perhaps heís upset he didnít get the chance to blow even more money on booze and drugs. And speaking of the Crocodile Rocker and his fabulous moolah, Mr. John has decided to sell some of his outrageous clothes to help raise money for charity. Hmm, I wonder how much he wants for the outfit he was gonna wear at that Australian concert he blew off a couple of months ago?

Another brief legal brief: Sid & Marty Krofft Pictures have filed a lawsuit against ëN Sync for what they consider copyright infringement. It seems that S&M designed those big ass puppets for the boy band but arenít getting any say-so or compensation for their use in merchandising. When I first heard about this story, I thought maybe the Kroffters were suing because they felt they had the exclusive rights to churn out crap. How sad it must have been being a kid when the Saturday morning cartoon lineup was infested with live action, big foam headed freak shows like H.R. Pufnstuff, Sigmund & the Sea Monster and especially Land of the Lost, which maybe went easy on the big foam heads but made up for it with that creepy little half monkey/half Clint Howard creature that befriended the humans. What a bunch of rubbish to be aimed at the poor receptive little minds of the kids watching this video dung. Itís no wonder todayís prime time TV schedule is overrun by homosexual sitcoms.

Gore or Bush? Thatís kinda like choosing which turd youíd rather be served for breakfast. But at least the choice for vice president is obvious. Watching Cheney have heart attacks for the next four years has gotta be way more entertaining than listening to Liebermanís dull version of what he calls public speaking. Does anyone really want a guy who looks like Henry Gibson and sounds like the dad from Alf to be a heartbeat away from running the whole shebang? (BTW - the Alf guy currently plays the boss on Norm, but since nobody watches that show I didnít think the reference would fly.)

Just thinking out loud here...How big of pussy does one have to be to attack David Spade with a stun gun?

Meet the new box, same as the old box. Even though Flashback, the new three disc Electric Light Orchestra box set is an improvement over the previous box set (Afterglow), there remains one major flaw in the concept. Itís still an overlong anthology of a "band" that started out great but really sucked bad when the leader (Jeff Lynne) decided that the control console was the most important member of the group. This coincided with the release of their first album cover to be dominated by a logo that looked an awful lot like Simon©, the game that required players to reduplicated sounds by pressing big colorful buttons in an exact sequence. How fitting.

Good news. The bitter and often ugly feud between Robbie Williams and Liam Gallagher ended when the two pop prima donnas finally hugged and made up. The verbal onslaught began after the Oasis vocalist made comments insinuating that Williams might not be putting his square peg in the proper round hole when it came to sexual relations. Williams in turn challenged Gallagher to a public boxing match to settle the dispute, but the two couldnít agree on a time when Liam would be sober enough to step into the ring. Now Williams admits that the whole thing got out of hand and heís glad itís behind them. We think Gallagher feels the same way, but since no on can understand a single word he says, weíll just have to take Robbieís word for it. With that settled, we can now turn our attention back to stopping that nasty little row in the Middle East.

Wow, I havenít even finished writing this column and Elton John has popped up in the news again. Now heís having a hissy fit because someone leaked a memo to the newspapers detailing his extravagant spending. No, I donít believe the phrase, "tossing money around like a sissy boy in a flower shop" was used but I think thatís the gist of it. Elton immediately blamed the ex-manager heís suing for the breach of confidentiality, but it turns out the real culprit is "Benjy the Bin Man," a professional scavenger who digs through the dumpsters of the stars and sells his garbage to various national publications. So I guess the only thing that separates him from a real tabloid reporter is an expense account.

Riddle me this: What happens when the editors of Rolling Stone Magazine and the programmers of MTV bump their heads together and come up with a list of the top 100 pop songs? Something familiar, something peculiar, something that belongs in a sewer - Comedy Tonight!  Wow, I was surprised they actually selected a Beatles song as number one ("Yesterday"), but whatís up with the Backstreet Boysí "I Want It That Way" rounding out the top ten?!  And "...Baby One More Time" lands Britney Spears in the number 25 position. (On the list, not the Kama Sutra.) Yes, both these Stridex mega acts placed songs higher than Bruce Springsteen ("Born to Run" #35), The Who ("My Generation" #33) and The Beach Boys ("Good Vibrations" #70). Stop a minute and think about that one, folks. The Backstreet Boys perched at number ten and "Good Vibrations" at number seventy!!! Dave Marsh, Greil Marcus and Ben Fong-Torres must be rolling over in their graves.

And speaking of things that roll over, Madonna announced her engagement and then someone promptly broke into and burglarized her London home. The thieves got in, got what they wanted and got out in a hurry, most likely never to return again. Itís a procedure Madonna herself is very familiar with but this is the first time she actually felt violated afterwards.