If I had only known it was The Beatles of reality shows...

The big season finale of Survivor made television history as 52 million viewers tuned in and made it the most-watched summer series program ever, thus knocking off the previous ratings king, Dean Martin Presents the Golddiggers.

I tuned in late for the big extravaganza, and I gotta say I was a bit confused. Not seeing much of the previous episodes, I was under the impression the contestants were supposed to be roughing it on some uninhabited tropical island, not sitting around in a TV studio yapping it up with Bryant Gumble. Although I must admit, the latter does seem like more of a grueling ordeal.

And for those of you keeping score at home, Rich the flabby gay guy was the final "survivor" and won the million dollar grand prize and a new car. Finishing second was Kelly the two-faced butt-ugly chick who betrayed the alliance and lost because she was less honest about being dishonest. Rudy the old dude finished third and kinda got screwed by Rich the flabby gay guy, but not in the way you might think. And rounding out the final four was Sue the really pissed off bitch whose back stabbing ultimately backfired. Fortunately, a last minute (and unexplainable) write-in campaign for Cokie Roberts fell way short.

Meanwhile back in civilization...

After running off with Russell "The Gladiator" Crowe, Meg Ryan has changed her mind and decided to crawl back to her hubby, Dennis Quaid. Who does she think she is, Frank Gifford? And if Quaid takes her back, it won't be the first time he's been involved with something known as "The Big Easy."

It looks like Anne Heche is the front runner to win this year's Margot Kidder Award. Dressed in a bra and shorts, the famous lesbian actress wandered up to a stranger's house and was hospitalized after informing a deputy that she was God and she was going to take everyone to heaven on a spaceship. I wonder if that's the same line she used on Ellen DeGeneres just before they broke up.

Hail, hail, rock and roll. Chuck Berry will be honored by the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts on December 3. I'm guessing the recognition is for his musical achievements and not for his innovations in rest room photography. But I wonder if he'll ask to be paid in cash upfront before he agrees to accept the award.

Forget about critiquing Dennis Miller as a Monday Night Football analyst and riddle me this, Batman: How bad does Eric Dickerson suck as a sideline commentator? This guy makes Larry "Bud" Melman look like Mike Wallace. Maybe they're just using him as a decoy while Miller gets his broadcast booth chops together and then they'll cut him loose and let the new hot chick strut her stuff on both sidelines. And why do I get nostalgic and teary-eyed when I think about the good old days of Lesley Vissar trying to press her body through whatever football stud she happened to be interviewing?

Three things you never discuss with friends: Politics, religion and your opinions on the Fatty Arbuckle sex scandal.

Am I the only one bothered that Al Gore is neglecting his duties as vice president while campaigning to be president? I mean, who's gonna attend the funeral of a secondary foreign head of state should one die in the next few months? It's not like Toastmaster General George Jessel is still around to pinch-hit.

So Pat Buchanan hijacked the Reform Party nomination so he could get 12.6 million dollars in federal funds to use for his presidential campaign. Hope he also asked for a parachute.

After their respective conventions, George Dub-ya Bush hit the campaign trail on a train trip and Al Gore went for a boat ride. I won't be impressed until a major presidential candidate shows some real guts and does his stumping using public transportation.

John and Patsy Ramsey have agreed to be questioned by Colorado authorities investigating the murder of their daughter, JonBenet. Still considered to be "under an umbrella or suspicion," the Ramseys are hoping their cooperation will downgrade their status to being "near a bumbershoot of raised eyebrows."

I hear Rosanne has turned down Playboy's offer to pose in the nude. Probably just as well for Hugh Hefner and his publication, considering the extra expense required to print the first centerfold that would fold out from side to side as well as end to end.

Scary thought: What if Playboy decides to ask Rosie O'Donnell instead?!?

On the other hand, have you seen Christina Aguilera on the cover of TV Guide? She's a serious artist, all right. An artist serious about showing some major skin, that is. But while Christina has no qualms about using her sex appeal to sell her music, that other pop princess Britney Spears says she only wears skimpy clothes to stay cool while performing and to keep from sweating on stage. Yeah, and what those teenage boys are doing while she prances around in her Lolita outfits is just an aerobic arm exercise.

And finally, a loyal LakinLand reader has asked me to stop picking on that popular boy band 'N Sync. Okay, I will. Someday. But for now: How many 'N Sync members does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: All of them, plus someone else to choreograph it.

Goodnight everybody!