"...the Oscar for best song goes to Phil Collins!"

Yes, you missed the loudest spit take in the history of mankind. In fact, my married friends Ken and Jo Ellen are still cleaning the mixture of Beckís Dark Ale and cheese dip off their television set as you read this. I know I shouldnít have been surprised. I pretty much knew Phil Collins was gonna get the Oscar nod for his gut wrenching ditty from the animated Tarzan movie. But somehow it just didnít hit me until, well, it actually hit me. "Hey, whyís Bob Hoskins accepting the award for him?" asked the before mentioned Ken. But it wasnít the portly actor of Roger Rabbit fame strutting to the podium. It was the bald guy who used to be in Genesis. Sorry, but I just donít get it. I mean, everybody seemed pretty damned happy that he won the award. And there sure are a hell of a lot of people who think his music is, well, music. But Iím not one of them. Donít get me wrong. I wouldnít take a knife and slice out my guts if I found a copy of Abacab or Face Value in my CD collection, but other than that, I gotta say the manís appeal flies right by me. And yet, he is a GIANT in the industry. I just donít get it.

On the other hand, thereís Randy Newman, a talented song writer and composer who loses out in the Oscar race every year, usually to some song or score from an animated Disney film. This year he had a really good song, sung beautifully by Sarah McLachlan and it was featured in the box office sensation Toy Story 2. Well, even though the movie was a critical and commercial success, it just wasnít Oscar material and for the most part ignored by the voting academy. It was up to Randy to bring home the statue for Woody and Buzz, but unfortunately he was up against the latest aging pop singer to cross over to the world of motion picture music making. So there was Phil Collins up on stage thanking everybody for making his hard work pay off, while the man whoís been working harder at this for a lot longer had to settle for the satisfaction of writing the better song (and not having the starring role in Buster.)

Meanwhile...

So what about the rest of the show? Every year the producers (this year I believe it was the Zagnuts) promise that the program is going to be shorter and more entertaining, and every year it gets longer and more boring. And itís always gonna be that way as long as cinematographers, editors and costume designers are allowed to make acceptance speeches on live television. To paraphrase the late Strother Martin in Cool Hand Luke - "I donít like long, boring thank you speeches anymore than you do. But thatís the way the Academy wants it, so they get it."

One way the producers figured theyíd trim some fat off the festivities was to eliminate the preposterous dance numbers that became fodder for post Oscar ridicule. But before you yell "zip-a-dee-doo-dah," keep in mind they replaced that fat in the person of Garth Brooks, who was part of a glitzy all-star vocal tribute to great nominated songs of the past. Yeah, just what I always wanted to hear, Everybodyís Talkiní done up hick style by a chubby guy in a cowboy hat. Okay, I gotta admit Faith Hill looked hot and it was a kick seeing Ray Charles shot out of the set like he was getting ready to play Family Feud, but Dionne Warwick has always frightened me, Burt Bacharach is beginning to do the same and Don Was has turned into Whoopi Goldbergís white twin. At least we got treated to the real deal when Isaac Hayes performed his Theme From Shaft.

The other musical interlude of the evening was the long ass medley of this yearís nominated songs. Not a total train wreck thanks to the before mentioned teaming of Randy Newman & Sarah McLachlan and the ghost of Aimee Mann performing her song from Magnolia. But then we also had to sit through the wailing of Mr. Collins and the collaboration from hell of Gloria Estefan and ëN Sync singing the love theme from Music of the Heart. Ah, but the tie was broken and the day saved with the uplifting production number rendition of South Parkís Blame Canada(sans the naughtiest words) led by Robin Williams, who made up in spirit what he lacked in vocal abilities. Now Iím not a huge Nathan Lane fan, but if heís gonna be a part of the film community, isnít this the kind of thing they should use him for?

Of course when you get right down to it, if they really wanna turn the best song medley into a canít lose show stopper, Iíve got two words for the Academy: Sandler & Young.

The host. Cute little Billy Crystal. Donít they just love him! Yeah, the opening film sequence was funny. But the much anticipated Best Picture song medley routine is wearing a bit thin. All right, Billy, it was funny the first time - now, knock it off!! Otherwise, no real big complaint or back slapping for the host who has become the showís comfortable old robe.

The winners? American Beauty was the big one. Best Picture, Director and a deserving Best Actor prize for Kevin Spacey, who also gave the second best acceptance speech of the night. The first place winner in that category goes to Best Supporting Actor Michael Caine, a class act who was gracious, humble and funny. Canít really remember much of the other ones, except many were dull and went on way too long. (Whereís Roberto Benigni when you need him?)

Sorry, Star Wars fans, The Jar Jar Binks Movie was virtually beaten out in all the trick camera and sound categories by The Matrix, a film that had the challenge of making Keanu Reeves seem animated and life like.

Annette Bening didnít have her baby or win for Best Actress, but hubby Warren Beatty received the Irving G. Thalber Memorial Award, presented to someone whoís contributed a lot to the motion picture industry and no longer has a shot at getting an Oscar the legit way. I donít want to demean this award, but already thereís a buzz that next yearís posthumous honoree will be the guy who played Eric von Zipper in the Beach Party movies.

Okay, all night long jokes were made about Haley Joel Osmentís "I see dead people" line in The Sixth Sense, so why didn't they use it when they introduced this year's "People Who Died" film tribute? Yeah, I know, bad taste. And we did lose a lot of notable film veterans this past year, including Mario Puzo, Jim Varney, Madeline Kahn, Victor Mature, Hedy Lamar, Oliver Reed, Rory Calhoun and George C. Scott. Yes, the actor who refused to accept an Oscar for his portrayal of Patton thirty years ago still got the biggest ovation of the lot.

And finally, speaking of George C. Scott, I'll always remember him for his performance in Dr. Strangelove, the satirical cold war film directed by the late Stanely Kubrick, who passed away just prior to last year's Oscars and was soon joined by his final film Eyes Wide Shut, which died a few months later. Not even nominated. Sigh.

Fuck and Run- Volume 10 is right here in case you missed it...