"Hey, Man, Itís The Music From The Laser Show!"
Wow,
Pink Floyd together again. Live on stage. As big as life. And
yet all anybody wants to talk about is ending world hunger.
Okay, so some things are harder to accomplish than getting
Rogers Waters and David Gilmour on stage together. But when they
kept talking about the powerful G8 leaders and then ran trailers
for "The Fantastic Four" during the commercial breaks, am I the
only who got the two confused? Besides the fancy outfits, hereís
another way you can tell them apart: In the Fantastic Four, the
leader can stretch all parts of his body, but in the G8 they can
only stretch the truth.While weíre on the subject of worthy causes, Paula Abdul is calling for tougher standards in nail salons. Yes, god bless Paula and her willingness to take on the causes that are just to silly for other celebrities to care about.
The BET Awards. Destinyís Child giving lap dances on national television. Now thatís what I call entertainment! And it was good to see Tom Cruise stop by and present an award because when I think of black entertainment, I think of Tom Cruise and the many fine films he has made that appeal to the African American community.
Destinyís Child and Tom Cruise do have another thing in common besides appearing on the same awards show. Theyíre all breaking up. Destinyís Child from each other and Cruise with reality. Yes, itís sad to see Beyonce Knowles, Kelly Rowland and the other one call it a day as a bootylicious trio, but now they can concentrate on their solo careers and not have to worry about getting equal time in their music videos. And as far as Cruise, itís just sad to see him period.
Oh, but Cruise is the star of a big summer blockbuster movie, so we have to mention that, donít we? "War of the Worlds" directed by Steven Spielberg is raking in the mega bucks despite the fact Cruiseís far-out behavior is getting more publicity than the film itself. And to me, it kind of makes the sci-fi thriller seem rather unrealistic. I mean, if they really want to scare the aliens away, why not have Cruise tell them about scientology?
Michael Jackson. Not Guilcup on all counts. Heís not going to jail, but is he really free? I mean, thanks to the negative publicity of the trial, he no longer feels like he can sleep in the same bed with small children, so he might as well be in a cell playing Scrabble with Charlie Manson. Oh, the high price of celebrity!
In other legal news, Justice Sandra Day OíConnor is retiring from the Supreme Court after twenty four years of sitting on the bench. Hell, if I was part of a team that long and still had to sit on the bench, Iíd quit too.
I know itís only rock and roll, but when I sat there watching the Rolling Stones open their latest tour on television, it made me sad to see Mick Jagger looking so old and barely moving about on stage as he forgot the words to "Sympathy For The Devil" and rambled on and on for hours. Then I realized that instead of watching the Stones I was watching Billy Grahamís last crusade and that made me feel a little better. Until it occurred to me that even at age 86 and battling cancer, Graham still looks in a lot better shape than Keith Richards.
Getting back to the G8 summit for a moment. How impressed do you think the other world leaders were when Russian President Vladimir Putin showed off the Super Bowl ring he pocketed from his meeting with the owner of the New England Patriots? And howís come the United States will go to war with a country over some weapons that didnít exist but when a Ruskie palms one of our greatest American symbols in front of witnesses, we do nothing?
Monty Python has gone legit. A play based on their film "Monty Python & The Holy Grail" took home a Tony Award for "Best Musical" and that means Eric Idle may finally be able to live down that one season he played the grouchy boss on "Suddenly Susan." Now all thatís left for the Pythons to become fully respectable is to be knighted by the Queen. ("Iím sorry to inform Her Majesty that Sir Mr. Gumby wonít be able to attend tonightís Royal Performance because his brain hurts.")
Talk about getting Punkíd. Deep Throat has revealed himself and I still donít know who the hell he is. Just some old FBI dude who wants to wave at people like a greeter at Wal-Mart and make lots of money off a book deal before he kicks the bucket. Okay, so it was fun to watch Nixonís empire crumble to the ground like a ton of bricks, but the truth is nobody likes a tattletale. And if we donít know that by now, then we learned nothing from "The Brady Bunch" and we might as well tell everybody that we can get Joe Namath to sing at the prom.
Checking out the Osbourne Rehab Scoreboard: Kelly 2, Jack 1. Youíd think that living with a walking, talking PSA against the dangers of substance abuse would be enough to scare these kids straight, but as the saying goes, the bad apple doesnít fall far from the tree. But at least only Kelly has decided to follow in her dadís footsteps and pursue a career in music. (So does that make the glass half empty or half full?)
Mariah Carey notched her 16th Number One hit with a lame ballad that sounds like all the other lame ballads she uses to show off her multi-octave range and that means she now only trails the Beatles and Elvis Presley in total chart topping singles. This feat is made even more impressive when you realize Miss Carey has to compete with cell phone ring tones to achieve chart supremacy while the Fab Four and Elvis only had to compete with mere mortals like The Rolling Stones and Everly Brothers.
Lindsay Lohanís father was sentenced to four years in prison, but not for being Lindsay Lohanís father. Instead he pleaded to several lesser charges, including driving while impaired and attempted assault. With good behavior, he might make it out in time to witness the tail end of his daughterís career and buy her Playboy nudie issue when itís hot off the newsstand.
"Hit Me Baby One More Time." What a concept for a summer replacement series! Washed up One Hit Wonders compete for a chance to become the best of the has-beens. Isnít that like being named the pretty one in ExposÈ? And whatís next? A search to find the worldís tallest midget? And to think this whole thing was broadcast on network television. Be very ashamed NBC. Outside of playing corpses on "Law & Order," there is no good reason to put Tiffany, Loverboy or A Flock of Seagulls on the tube.
Oprah is mad because a fancy schmancy store in Paris wouldnít let her come in and shop Elvis style fifteen minutes after it was closed and the clerks had already counted down their drawers. A spokesperson from the store later apologized. Apparently, the security guard who told Oprah to go away didnít recognize her because the glare from her tiara was in his eyes.
And
finally, we lost a lot of our favorite characters since the last
edition of F&R. Those leaving us for a better place include
Ernest T. Bass (Howard Morris), Oliver Wendell Douglas (Eddie
Albert) General Burkhalter (Leon Askin), The Riddler (Frank
Gorshin) and Supermanís boss (Lane Smith). We also say good-bye
to Paul Winchell, who brought to life two more of our favorite
characters, Jerry Mahoney & Knucklehead Smiff, and provided
voices for Tigger, Dick Dastardly and one of the Smurfs. An
inventor, Winchell also held a patent on an early artificial
heart built in 1963, which he donated to the University of Utah
for research. Not only did Winchell provide the world with lots
of laughs, he also helped keep people alive longer so they could
laugh even more. As Tigger would say, TTFN. And we chuck a big
rock in honor of Ernest T. and the others listed above who
entertained us for so many years. Fuck
and Run- "The Archives" is right here
in case you missed an
edition.