I was just about to turn in this edition of the Movie Guide when I realized I forgot to write an introduction. At first I figured I didnít need one because itís all pretty self explanatory. I mean, you see the title of the movie in bold print and if you read the text below it, youíll find out what I think of it. Oh yeah, thereís that little thing where I donít actually watch the movies I review, but you should all know that by now, right? Anyway, when I tried to submit my copy without the introduction, I was told that it had to have one otherwise there would just be a blank space next to the picture of my feet at the top of the page. So with that in mind...(ahem)... Here is the new movie guide. Enjoy.

A new road picture team for a new millennium. Bruce Willis replaces Bing Crosby as the smooth talking slickster and Billy Bob Thorton takes over Bob Hopeís role as the wacky comic sidekick who always seems to grab the short end of the stick. Thereís even a woman on hand to take Dorothy Lamourís spot as the troublemaker in the middle. I think the plot has something to do with these guys being swindlers or bank robbers, but the real appeal is the chemistry between Bruce and Billy Bob. At least thatís the feeling I get from watching the previews. Wow, sounds like I should roll my ass off the couch and go see this movie. But only if it has Jerry Colonna in it.

Kris Kattan starring in his own goddam movie. If that doesnít scare the hell out of you, nothing will. Think about it. Someone had to come up with the idea to make this movie. Then someone else had to put up the money to make this movie. And then someone had to actually make this movie and release it! But thatís not even the worst part. No, the worst part is there are people who paid money to watch it. Yuck.

Michael Douglas stars as a psychiatrist whose life gets the edgy topsy turvey treatment when his daughter is kidnapped and her release hinges on daddy getting a whacked out crazy chick to cough up a secret number that has some unspoken significance. What is the number? Why do the kidnappers want it? And howís come Douglas is busy making a movie like this when he could be home doing the mystery dance with Katherine Zeta-Jones? Beats me. All I know is I always avoid movies that make me think this hard.

FROM HELL

Oh boy, another movie about Jack the Ripper. But this oneís different, really. It takes a fresh new contemporary approach to the story that will appeal to todayís fickle movie audiences and brings an untapped perspective to a tale that has been told time and time again, but never quite like this! Forget all the other Jack the Ripper movies. This is the one people will be talking about until the next version comes along and I write this review all over again.

First off, I think the title is a metaphor and there isnít an actual glass house in the movie.  Then again, I could be wrong. The plot itself has something to do with a young woman and her brother losing their parents in a car wreck and what happens when they go live in a house provided to them by their guardians. Leelee Sobieski stars as the young woman in The Glass House, and I mention that only because her name is silly and she looks very much like a young Helen Hunt, which means when Miss Hunt reaches that age where sheís no longer desirable enough for the choice roles, casting directors already have an instant replacement.

Recent mental patient Mariah Carey makes her big screen belly flop in this film about a young singerís rise to fame and fortune and many are comparing the movieís plot to Mariahís real life climb to superstardom. But unless the main character in this film sleeps with the head of the record company and gets breast implants, I think this bit of tripe is just a sad attempt to jump start a career that is quickly fading out of sight. Your time at the top is over, Miss Carey. The countdown to your final act of desperation - a nude pictorial in Playboy - has already begun.

Keanu Reeves plays a guy who gets into trouble and his only way out is to coach a little league baseball team. Naturally, the team isnít very good and Keanu doesnít want anything to do with them, but soon he and the misfit gang of ragamuffins form a bond and they either win the big game at the end or learn a valuable lesson about life (or both). But at least this movie came up with a great line I can paraphrase to describe Keanuís talent as an actor. "I am totally blown away by his ability to show up."

A man returns to his place of childhood and reflects on the mysterious stranger who came into his life many years ago and drastically changed the way he looked at the world. No, the stranger did not get naked and belt out show tunes. At least, I donít think he did. To be honest, I canít really figure out what the hell this movie is about. Just that itís based on a story written by Stephen King and the mysterious stranger looks a lot like Hannibal Lecter.

Donít let the title fool you. This is not a porno movie (think about it) nor is it a film about a cute little monkey robot who brings joy and happiness into the lives of those he touches. No, the Iron Monkey is the Chinese version of Robin Hood, a hero who steals from the rich and gives to the poor in an effort to help good triumph over evil. And thereís a lot of kung fu thrown in to make it interesting. Originally released in Asia in 1993, this classic is finally getting its turn to be shown on American screens because the public is clamoring for more of that Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon butt kicking ballet through the air shit.

First off, I could never enjoy a movie with this title because all the way through it, the question "Whereíd you get those peepers?" would be running through my mind. Then thereís the clichÈ plot turn. Two college kids decide to take an alternate route home and, of course, something goes wrong in a bad and horrible way. Sorry, but this sounds like an edge of your seat kind of movie and Iím just not an edge of my seat kind of guy. Especially when someone is about to get murdered on screen and all I can think of is "Whereíd you get those eyes?"

A new thriller directed by a director I never heard of, whose credits include a couple of earlier movies that I canít recall. Letís see, a college student is driving across country to pick up his girlfriend (uh-oh) when suddenly he decides to alter his plans and help out his brother. This, of course, leads to bad and horrible things. (Hmm, why does this sound so familiar?) And before you can demand your money back, the traveling siblings are being taunted and terrified by a maniacal truck driver, probably seeking cinematic revenge for the good buddy who got 10-4íd by Dennis Weaver in Stephen Speilbergís Duel back in ë71. Once again, Leelee Sobeiski shows up, proving to movie producers that like Helen Hunt she can also appear in more than one movie at the same time.

On TV, James Gandolfini plays the head of a Mafia family and heís the good guy. But in this movie heís the warden at a military prison and heís the villain. Go figure. Of course, it doesnít help that Robert Redford is one of the inmates, a general who was wrongly court martialed and now must take orders instead of give them. Hmm, Robert Redford in prison. I wonder how many incarcerated bubbas would wanna have him as their little honey boy? Anyway, Redford realizes that the warden is a certified meanie and decides to lead a prison revolt. The prisoners, having nothing better to do, agree to take part and thatís when all hell breaks loose. What it comes down to is a battle of wills between Redford and Gandolfini and, as always, the smart money is on the guyís whose name comes first in the credits.

Oh boy, another movie about the Three Musketeers. But this oneís different, really. It takes a fresh new contemporary approach to the story that will appeal to todayís fickle movie audiences and brings an untapped perspective to a tale that has been told time and time again, but never quite like this! Forget all the other Three Musketeer movies. This is the one people will be talking about until the next version comes along and I write this review all over again.

This is the Lance Bass movie. It stars Lance Bass of ëN Sync as a guy who meets a woman on a subway and falls in love with her. But apparently she doesnít realize that Lance Bass has just fallen in love with her and she gets away. This means that Lance Bass has to spend the rest of the movie trying to track down the women even though he could probably have his pick of any 13 year old girl in America. Will Lance Bass find the woman who stole his heart? Or is she already sleeping with one of the Backstreet Boys? Itíll cost you the price of a ticket to find out because I honestly donít know or care.

With a title like this, I think its safe to say this is the kind of movie your girlfriend is gonna drag you to when youíd rather see something that didnít have Mrs. Tom Green in it. Yes, Drew Barrymore is back and this time she plays a writer who gets knocked up as a teenager and has to spend the next twenty years trying to deal with her situation. Naturally, the kid is adorable, Barrymore is resilient and, from what Iíve seen in the previews, the men are real turds. A real chick flick for sure, it looks like the only masculine thing about Riding In Cars With Boys is its director, Penny Marshall.

If Mark Wahlberg wasnít convincing as a rock singer in real life, what makes anyone think he can pull it off on the big screen? Well, probably because heís a much better actor than he was a rapper. In Rockstar, Wahlberg plays a singer in a tribute band who goes from rags to riches overnight when he replaces the real McCoy in the big hair heavy metal band he was mimicking. Jennifer Aniston co-stars as his girlfriend and thatís the part of the movie Iím not buying. Every time her face pops up in the previews, my subconscious shouts out, "Itís Rachel" and I immediately expect the rest of the Friends cast to appear. And nothing kills the moment like the thought of Ross dropping by to whine about his latest misadventure.

Denzel Washington stars as a L.A. narcotics cop, a thirteen year veteran who has learned how to blur the line of justice and cross it when he needs to in order to get the job done. Heís got savvy and plenty of it. Ethan Hawke is the actor with the silent "e" at the end of his name who plays the wide-eyed rookie thatís assigned to the veteran detective for a day long training session and reality check. Together they patrol the west coast mean streets and get to know each other up close and personal. And at the end, they get married.

Thank god theyíve come out with a new comedy starring Ben Stiller! I donít think I could bear another week without one of his movies playing in theaters nationwide. Not that I go to any of his movies, but itís just comforting to know oneís around. Since heís already perfected the role of hapless doofus, this time out Stiller tries his hand at playing an idiotic hapless doofus. Heís a male super model who somehow gets tangled up in an assassination plot. And I think it may be based on a true story. Will Ferrell plays the evil villain in the film, which means my chances of seeing this movie are even more remote than Mariah Carey getting another shot at a film career.