Dannyís Movie Guide XII

Summerís here. Time for the film studios to release their big budget blockbusters and hopefully rake in enough cash to pay for them. This time in the Movie Guide, I take a look at the seasonís first wave of contenders, including the latest from Steven Spielberg, an Eddie Murphy sequel and the big screen version of a popular video game. And if you wanna see one of the worldís sexist women topless, the password is Swordfish.

A.I.

Has Steven Spielberg made a turd yet? His name as director on a film is about as close as you can get to a guarantee that itís gonna be good and itís gonna make money. (Lots of it.)  Of course, I havenít seen all his films yet but thatís never stopped me from giving my opinion and standing behind it. This time out, Spielberg takes over on a project that the late Stanley Kubrick was developing before death took him to meet his maker and answer for Barry Lyndon. The title stands for Artificial Intelligence, but itís not a documentary about Hollywood. Itís a futuristic revamping of the Pinocchio saga, only in this case itís a robot instead of a puppet who wants to be a real live boy. Haley Joel Osment, who has chosen to ignore Macaulay Culkinís guide to success and happiness, stars as the android tike in A.I. and the plot, which has been kept pretty hush-hush, deals with his journey to become a human being. So without much else to rely on except Spielbergís track record, Iím still willing to predict this movie will make you forget all about Bicentennial Man. (And to those of you who had already forgotten, I apologize.)

THE ANIMAL

From the people who brought you Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo (are you still reading this?) comes a movie starring Rob Schneider (still havenít lost you?) as a man who starts acting weird after a crazy scientist transplants animal parts into his body! (Need more?) The cute girl from the original Survivor plays the love interest. Geeze, go on to the next review already.

ATLANTIS: THE LOST EMPIRE

Okay, Iím warning you. This is one of those long cartoons made by Disney, only it doesnít have cute little animals that speak like people and help make things all better. Not even a talking fish or sea turtle to provide comic relief. Nope, this is the animated story of a young explorer (voiced by Michael J. Fox) who decides to follow in his grandfatherís wake and search for the lost city of Atlantis. I ask you - whereís the merchandising possibilities in that? Also lending their vocal talents to this adventure are James Garner, Leonard Nimoy, the late Jim Varney and, in a real casting coo, David Ogden Stiers. Oh, and Don Novello. But I donít think heís playing Father Guido Sarducci. That would have been like hiring Cliff Arquette to voice a character and asking him to do it as Charlie Weaver.

BABY BOY

Director John Singleton continues his obsession with life in the hood (why not a nice camping film for a change?) and this time heís got Snoop Doggy Dogg on hand to help liven things up. You remember that one video where Snoop turns into a dog? Do you think thatís why Singleton cast him in this movie? I mean, that would pretty cool if Snoop turned into a dog and started biting people and they called Ed Lover and Dr. Dre (the fat one) to come down and take him to the pound. No, I donít think thatís what this movie is about.

CATS & DOGS

They fight and fight, and fight and fight and fight! Yeah, cats and dogs have been going at it for years and this movie tells you why. They donít like each other. That and something about cats trying to take over the world and dogs being the only ones who can stop them. Planet of the Kitties - now that would be a scary movie!  This one just looks creepy.

DR. DOOLITTLE 2

Eddie Murphy is talking to the animals again and once again theyíre talking back. Sounds cute enough, but like the second installment of Eddieís other remake franchise (The Nutty Professor), the makers of this sequel have discovered the easiest way to get laughs is with cheap toilet humor. But at least they manage to answer the age-old question, "Does a bear shit in the woods?" Naw, heís just passing gas.

EVOLUTION

Take the director of Ghostbusters, add the actor from The X-Files and toss in a funny black sidekick and what have you got? Men In Black lite. And in case youíre wondering, the director is Ivan Reitman, the actor from The X-Files is David Duchovny and the black sidekick is Orlando Jones. Which, Iíll admit, is a lot better than John Landis, that stiff who plays Scullyís new partner and Chris Tucker.

THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS

Two things you need to know about this movie: One, itís fast and two, itís furious. So if you like those qualities in a movie, this is probably the flick for you to catch this summer. If you donít like things fast and furious, or you just like it fast but can do without the furious part, you might wanna take a pass. For those of you who prefer your entertainment slow and tedious, draw youíre own conclusions.

LARA CROFT: TOMB RAIDER

It canít be easy making a big budget film based on a video game when the director has to keep peeling Billy Bob Thornton off the lead actress in between takes. Yes, Angelina Jolie stars as Lara Croft, the hot bodied thrill seeker who travels the globe looking for tombs and valuable things to steal from them. Hey, everybodyís gotta have a hobby. An interesting side note - this film unites Jolie on screen with her real life father Jon Voight and the burning question is, do they kiss? (And if so, with tongues?)

PEARL HARBOR

At last, the harrowing story of Japanís attack on Peal Harbor is brought to the big screen with a budget worthy of itís importance and a detail to realism that recreates the event as it really happened, only with better editing and Ben Affleck. And Iím sure that when the real assault occurred, at least one person must have thought, "Gee, wouldnít this be better with popcorn?" Okay, so maybe it wonít make you forget Saving Private Ryan, but it also wonít give you the urge to rent McHaleís Navy starring Tom Arnold. And in my mind, thatís considered a draw.

RAT RACE

Itís A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World but without Jonathan Winters. That makes it A Mad, Mad, Mad World. But thereís no Sid Caesar, so make it A Mad Mad World. Or Buddy Hackett. That makes it just plain Mad. And whereís Mickey Rooney?? Okay, so Itís A World doesnít sound like much fun and this really isnít a remake, so they canít call it that anyway. Just a movie about a group of wacky people running all over New Mexico trying to find some money hidden by John Cleese. Cleese, eh? Maybe they should have called it Mad Rat Race.

SEXY BEAST

This is a British gangster film about a mean ruthless mobster as portrayed by Ben Kingsley. Yeah, I know - Ghandi. "Please, you are to give me 60 percent of your take or I will not eat food." But itís not like that. From what I hear this gangster is one brutal ass meanie who would rather kick the living shit out of someone than take no for an answer. (A "maybe" gets you an elbow to the kidney and some hurtful name calling.) What he wants is to pull off a big heist and to do so he needs the help of an ex-con whoís trying to go straight and live the good life. Yeah, ainít that how it always goes? Someone tries to get out, but they keep pulling him back in. You know, like when they made Al Pacino star in Godfather Part III.

SWORDFISH

A new suspense/action film starring John Travolta and Halle Berryís breasts. Yes, she goes topless in Swordfish (which seems to be getting more attention than the film itself) but is that a good enough reason to plunk down the bucks and see this movie? Not if I have to watch it in a packed theater where some idiot is sure to blurt out a retarded comment when Berry flashes the goods on screen. (And a bunch of other idiots are gonna respond with laughter while they shove popcorn down their guffawing throats.) Wait for it to come out on video, where the advantages are obvious. Oh, and in case youíre interested, the plot has something to do with stealing money over the Internet and explosions.

WHATíS THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN?

I think with a title like that, you can make up your own joke.