Dang, time flies when youíre not wasting it watching crappy movies. Before you know it, the big summer blockbusters will be splattering on theater screens all over the country and most of the films reviewed in this edition of the movie guide will long be forgotten. Well, except maybe Joe Dirt. How can anyone shake the memory of that turd without expensive and prolonged psycho therapy? (Or a swift blow to the side of the head.)

ALONG CAME A SPIDER
At last, the long awaited sequel to Little Miss Muffet Sat On A Tuffet. No, wait. This is just some intriguing suspense thriller thing starring Morgan Freeman as the same detective he played in 1997's Kiss The Girls. Apparently he's a cop who'll only take cases that have something to do with nursery rhymes. Didn't see the first one and I'll have to pass on this one as well. However, if they make a third one based on that Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater case, maybe I'll check it out.

BLOW
Traffic meets Boogie Nights. Itís about drug smuggling and it takes place in the 70ís. That makes it very edgy and nostalgic at the same time. "Oh, remember the days when we snuck cocaine into the country that way?!" Ah, good times. Johnny Depp is the star of this film in another attempt to become the next Nicolas Cage instead of just another Matt Dillion. Penelope Cruz serves as the mandatory eye candy while Paul Reubens steps out of his Pee Wee Herman persona to play the gay comic relief. When I first saw the TV spots for Blow with Ram Jamís "Black Betty" as the music bed, I thought I might wanna see it when it came out. But when I noticed that the soundtrack had a song by the Marshall Tucker Band on it, I changed my mind. Sure, maybe only a little snippet of it appears in the film, but it's always better to be safe than sorry when the stakes are so high.

BRIDGET JONESíS DIARY
The Brits threw a bit of a hissy fit when they found out the heroine of one of their fave books was gonna be played on the big screen by an American actress, but since we whipped their butts in the Revolutionary War and saved their asses in WWII, the point is moot. Renee Zellweger put on a few pounds to bring Bridget Jones to life, but I still wouldnít kick her out of bed for eating crackers and there within lies the major flaw in this movie. Itís about a woman in her early thirties who is unhappy because there is no man in her life. Hmmm, sheís a good looking, smart woman with a decent rack who speaks with a cute British accent. Yeah, Iím sure sheís gonna have a problem finding any takers.

CROCODILE DUNDEE IN LOS ANGELES
Yes, heís back and this time heís tying his kangaroo down, sport, in Los Angeles. Do I really need to set this one up for you? Itís Crocodile Dundee. Heís in La-La Land. Thereís a lot of phonies out there doing phony things. He shows them his knife. Hilarity ensues. Meanwhile in Australia, Axel Foley has just stepped off a plane...

DRIVEN
Sylvester Stallone stars as a veteran race car driver who is given once last chance to redeem himself on the track. Thereís just one problem. The ugly, near fatal accident that happened years ago still haunts him. And no, Iím not talking about Rhinestone.

ENEMY AT THE GATES
During World War II (a.k.a. The Big One) a Russian sniper gains fame by picking off Nazi officers like shooting fish in a barrel. This backfires when the Nazis decide to employ one of their best shooters to go after the sniper in retaliation. This could've been a real hoot if it they shot it as a comedy, especially if they sped up the film and had the snipers chase each other around like they were in a Benny Hill routine. You know, with "Yakety Sax" playing in the background. But this is a serious movie, probably based on a true story, and that means its no fun whatsoever. (And the snipers are not played by The Two Ronnies, which wouldíve been good, too.)

THE FORSAKEN
Stop me if you've heard this one. A guy is on the way to his sister's wedding when he stops to pick up a hitchhiker. Doesn't sound like the premise for the feel good picture of the summer, does it? Nope, it's not. That's because the hitchhiker has a rare blood disease and must track down and kill the leader of a vampire gang in order to cure himself. Of course, he could just get a second opinion, but that would spoil all the fun.

FREDDY GOT FINGERED
90 minutes of Tom Green on a big screen doing the kind of things that made him a star on the small screen. Whatís sad is some people will read the previous line and think itís a positive review.

JOE DIRT
90 minutes of David Spade on a big screen doing the kind of things that made Tom Green a star on the small screen, only with a white trash accent and a dumb haircut.

JOSIE AND THE PUSSYCATS
Long tails and ears for hats, but thatís about all this film has in common with the cartoon version of Americaís original Grrrrl Group. I mean, whatís the point of mining nostalgia if youíre gonna update it? Hell, they even got the costumes wrong.

MOULIN ROUGE
Ewan McGregor stars as a young poet who disobeys his father and moves to Monmarte, France, in the19th century. There he meets Toulouse-Lautrec and falls in love with Nicole Kidman, who proves that a marriage to Tom Cruise isnít the only bad thing sheís been in this year. To paraphrase from the ad line, "This movie is about truth. This movie is about beauty. Above all things, this movie is about ninety minutes too long."

THE MUMMY RETURNS
This ainít the slow walking, no talking big ass bandage wearing creature from the 1932 black and white classic starring Boris Karloff. This is the special effects empowered version from the 1999 remake, a film that grossed over 400 million smackers and gave Brendan Fraser something really impressive to put on his resume (right under Duddley Do-Right). This sequel takes place ten years after The Mummy and despite all the shit that went down in that movie, everyone who survived is back for another go ëround. And if the thought of a pissed off Mummy isnít frightening enough, the producers have something else to make the hair on the back of you neck stand up: WWF Superstar ëThe Rockí makes his big screen acting debut.

ONE NIGHT AT McCOOLíS
Steven Tyler is in Aerosmith. His daughter Liv is in this movie. Three different men want her and who can blame them? She's Steven Tyler's daughter, after all, and she's in a movie. Michael Douglas is also in this movie, but he's one of the producers and is probably only looking out after his investment. And Paul Reiser is in this movie, too, which makes it a movie that has Paul Reiser in it. Yes, the guy from Mad About You and all those annoying long distance phone service commercials is in One Night At McCoolís. This is what Iím saying.

POKEMON 3 - THE MOVIE
The first two were only the first two.

SHREK
A cartoon for grown-ups. In fact, the animation is a tad on the creepy side, if you ask me. An big ugly ogre (as opposed to the slim pretty ones) is unhappy because his swamp has become overrun by fairy tale characters that have been chased from their kingdom. In an effort to help them get back to where they once belonged, and thus make his life peaceful again, the ogre agrees to rescue a beautiful princess from an unbeautiful situation. This, of course, means a journey and a chance to run into some interesting characters voiced by celebrities youíve grown to known and love. Mike Myers provides the voice for the ogre and Eddie Murphy is the ass who joins him on his quest. And when I say ass, I mean it in a nice way.

SPY KIDS
When I cranked out the previous Movie Guide, I didn't bother to review this one because I thought it was a silly bit of fluff that would blow away quietly without much notice. Wrong. This sucker was actually number one at the box office for awhile. Anyway, in Spy Kids a pair of married secret agents get kidnapped and it's up to their kids to follow in their parents' footsteps and save them. How realistic is that? My dad was a carpenter and I can't even hammer a nail straight. Oh well, it's just a movie. And the kids do have Cheech Marin to help them, so I'm sure everything turns out okay. (But if not, I'm looking forward to sequel Spy Orphans.)