ëTis the season to be jolly and all that. Also the season to rake in a lot of money at the box office. And the movie studios donít do that by releasing all their crappy films this month - at least not on purpose. Yeah, there are still people who think Jingle All The Way will eventually become a holiday classic to rival Itís A Wonderful Life and The Miracle on 34th Street. Go figure. Anyway, this is also the season when Iím so busy Christmas shopping and making figgie pudding that I donít have a lot of time to write reviews. So forgive me if some of my efforts donít live up to the high standards youíve come to expect from this movie guide. But at least Iím not as busy as Gene Hackman, who appears in no less than three films this month. I bet that doesnít leave much time for Christmas shopping! Hmm, I wonder if he took the easy way out like I did and just got everybody on his list a George Forman Grill.

ALI

Forget about The Greatest, the 1977 film in which Muhammad Ali did an unconvincing job of portraying himself. This time weíre talking a big budget (100 million plus), a hot director (Michael Mann) and a box officer superstar in the title role (Will Smith). Donít worry about the Fresh Prince being too skinny to pull off the rope-a-dope. He bulked up for the part and now heís in training to deliver his acceptance speech at next yearís OscarÆ telecast. I know, I said the same thing about Denzel Washington for his performance in The Hurricane. But he was only playing a contender who coulda been the champion of the world. Smith is playing the man who was The Champion of All Time.

BEHIND ENEMY LINES

A navy plane is shot down when the pilot flies it someplace where he shouldnít be flying it. Then the pilotís commander (played by Gene Hackman) tries to rescue said pilot even though his superiors tell him not to. What kind of values does this teach our young people? Besides, David Keith is in this movie. And whenís the last time you saw a good movie with David Keith in it?

BLACK KNIGHT

Martin Lawrence stars as a hip black dude who suddenly finds himself talking slang in the Middle Ages where an evil king is being very mean to everybody. Naturally Lawrence hooks up with a good hearted knight who wants to dethrone the king and a beautiful peasant girl who provides our hero with some much needed motivation from the waist on down. Yes, I think we can all see where this one is headed. The king goes down after some verbal jousting from Lawrence and everyone lives happily ever after. And somewhere Mark Twain is rolling over in his grave.

DOMESTIC DISTURBANCE

John Travolta is a divorced alcoholic dad who is trying to save the family business while his ex-wife deals with the trouble making son they brought into the world. Of course, the kid canít help being naughty since heís the product of a broken home, but when a new husband for the mom enters the picture, things only get worse. The kid says that new dad is a killer but nobody believes him. This has something to do with the kid being a lying little bastard, which only goes to show how your past can come back to haunt you. After awhile, however, old dad Travolta realizes his boy is telling the truth and tries to find out what dark dirty secret from the past new dad is hiding. You know, one that could be even worse than old dadís shameful appearance in Battlefield Earth.

GOSFORD PARK

Someone left the cake out in the rain...sorry, wrong story, different park. This is a Robert Altman film, which means thereís gonna be a lot of characters in it and a lot of different things will be going on. In other words, multiple story lines interweaving one another until they all meet up at the conclusion. Sorta like a Cannonball Run movie, only not embarrassing. This time out, Altman gives us a murder mystery that examines the British class system in the 1930ís. Doesnít sound like a real barn burner to me and even the promise of an all-star British cast fails to pique my interest. (Remember, Benny Hill and Marty Feldman are dead and Dom DeLuise is not British.) Usually, I dig Altmanís movies but Gosford Park doesnít sound like my cup of tea.


HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERERíS STONE

This movie follows the zany misadventures of a group of kids who practice the black arts of Satan at a school that gives you extra credit for turning your lab partners into toads. And I think it ends with the kids putting on a big magic show to save the orphanage from foreclosure. Or something like that.

HEIST

Yes, another heist film. And yes, as always, things donít go quite the way as planned. Do they ever? After all, whoíd wanna go see a movie about a bunch a guys who pull off a caper without a hitch, split up the loot and then go their separates ways without ever getting caught? Not gonna happen. So that means we have to figure out what will go wrong when Gene Hackman and Danny DeVito team up to pull off the big score. I see the usual three options. Either someone screws up, thereís a sudden change in the logistics or thereís some dirty double crossing going on. Hey, the guy who played Louie DePalma is involved in the shenanigans. Gotta be the old double cross.

JIMMY NEUTRON: BOY GENIUS

The first full length feature film starring the grandson of Speedy AlkaSeltzer and one of the Tastee Freeze twins. Creepy animated tale of a ten-year-old genius and his robot dog. Yes, someday all the movies will be computer generated and your son will be fighting Haley Joel Osment for a promotion at the local Radio ShackÆ.

K-PAX

Is Keven Spacey really an alien? Or just an Acedmey AwardÆ winning actor pretending to be one? Iím betting on the latter because Iím not fooled by those silly parlor tricks in the trailer. Yeah, like he really understand whatís bothering that dog. All pets hate it when people sneak up on them.

JOE SOMEBODY

Two words: Tim Allen. You be the judge if thatís a pick or a pan.

KATE & LEOPOLD

Meg Ryan as a modern day woman who has a romantic fling with a nobleman transported from the nineteenth century. I guess after her silly escapades with Russell Crowe, no man from this century wants anything to do with her. Sad.

LIFE AS A HOUSE

A man is fired from his job and told he only has four months to live. What a day heís having! Of course, either one of those developments would lead any man to reexamine things and alter his outlook on life, so imagine what happens when both bombshells land in this poor foolís lap. Yes, he decides to build a house. And in the process of building this house he also mends a strained relationship with his son. Do I smell a metaphor? Yeah, Iíd be quick to write this one off as a shameless heart tugger myself, but somehow having Kevin Kline starring as the dying unemployed guy gives it some credibility. Now if he only played the title character in Joe Somebody.

THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING

Didnít read the book in high school because I always figured theyíd turn it into a movie someday. Not gonna go see the movie because I know itíll come out on video next year. And I wonít watch the video because I donít think Iíll be able to understand it since I never read the book. (Plus there's a hole in the bucket, Dear Liza, Dear Liza.)

THE MAJESTIC

Jim Carreyís latest attempt to get AcademyÆ voters to recognize his efforts and nominate him in the Best Actor category come OscarÆ time. He plays a blacklisted writer and you know how movie people love to make a righteous fuss about the evils of the McCarthy witch hunt. That is, when theyíre not busy giving a special OscarÆ to one of their own who took the easy way out and named names. But thatís another story. The Majestic is meant to be like one of those heartwarming "feel good" movies that Frank Capra used to make. Only Capra had Jimmy Stewart and Gary Cooper to help get his point across. Here you got one half of Dumb and Dumber. You do the math.

THE MAN WHO WASNíT THERE

I donít understand. If the man isnít there, why make a movie about him?

MONSTERS, INC.

Animated goofballs + the voices of famous actors = big bucks at the box office. And if you add Pixar to the equation, the sum of all the parts usually totals up to a good time had by all.

MULHOLLAND DRIVE

This is a David Lynch movie so that means itís gonna be strange and itís gonna be hard to figure out. When I go to the movies, I want to be entertained. If I want to tax my brain, I do the Jumble puzzle.

NOT ANOTHER TEEN MOVIE

A teen movie that makes fun of teen movies. Like Scary Movie and Scary Movie 2 made fun of scary movies. Or Airplane! and Airplane 2 made fun of airplane movies. Or the way Rocky IV and Rocky V made fun of Rocky movies.

OCEANíS ELEVEN

Am I the only one thinking, "How dare they!"? Who the hell does George Clooney think he is anyway? I mean, Oceanís Eleven isnít a cinematic classic because of the plot or directing. Itís a cult favorite because it has Frank, Dean, Sammy, Peter and Joey taking their Rat Pack image to the silver screen to pull off the biggest heist in the history of Las Vegas. Iím sorry, Mr. Clooney, but youíre a piss poor substitute for the Chairman of the Board and your little swarm of pretty boys canít hold a candle to the real deal. Besides, Frank and the guys took down five casinos. These wussies can only handle three. "Pee-U Eleven!!"

OUT COLD

Dumbasses on snowboards. Featuring Lee Majors in a humiliating supporting role that makes his work on The Fall Guy look Shakespearean in comparison.

THE ROYAL TENENBAUMS

Donít let the title mislead you. This is not a documentary about Christmas trees at Buckingham Palace. Itís another movie with Gene Hackman in it and itís made by the same director (Wes Anderson) and screenwriter (Owen Wilson) that gave us Rushmore and Bottle Rocket. (Havenít seen the latter, but the former quickly jumped onto my list of funniest movies of all time.) The plot has something to do with Hackman being the patriarch in a family of geniuses who tries to get back into the fold after being estranged from them for a number of years. Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah, right? Just go see it. Chances are, itís really good. And itíll have a soundtrack to die for. Also starring Anjelica Huston, Ben Stiller, Gwyneth Paltrow, Danny Glover, Luke Wilson and Bill Murray.

SHALLOW HAL

Whatís the best way to show people that inner beauty is what really matters? Jack Black and fat jokes. At least thatís what the makers of this film thought. But the fact they have to spend so much time defending it, makes me think they didnít get their point across very well. And to show you how shallow I am, I just hope theyíre not the ones who make a film telling beautiful women to find happiness by having sex with Internet movie critics.

SIDEWALKS OF NEW YORK

Written, produced and directed by its star Edward Burns, this romantic little ditty is being hailed by some critics as a second rate Woody Allen film. And since some of Allenís movies are also cited as being second rate Woody Allen films, Iím not sure if that means this movie is equal to those or those are the ones its being compared to - which, in that case, it would make Sidewalks of New York a third rate Woody Allen film in comparison to some of the Wood-manís better efforts. Right?

SPY GAME

Paul Newman earned respect as a pretty faced actor and then passed the torch to Robert Redford in Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid and The Sting. Now that the wrinkles are starting to really show around Redfordís eyes, itís his turn to pass the baton to Brad Pitt. (Redford decided that a baton was a lot safer to tote around than a torch after burning himself during the making of Legal Eagles.) In Spy Games, Redford is the older spy who takes Pitt under his wing and they become best buddies in the process. Then when Redford is about to retire, Pitt is captured and faces certain death. So against all odds (believe it or not, heís not getting much help from all the other spies), Redford has to save his younger clone and give this movie the happy ending it deserves. And somewhere in America thereís a high school freshman signing up for the drama club and dreaming of becoming the next Brad Pitt.

VANILLA SKY

One thing you can say about a movie directed by former Rolling Stone writer Cameron Crowe - Itís gonna have a killer soundtrack. Vanilla Sky is no exception. New songs by Paul McCartney and R.E.M., plus old favorites by Todd Rundgren, Bob Dylan, Peter Gabriel and The Monkees. (Yeah, maybe this movie will finally get "The Porpoise Song" the attention it deserves!) Plus Radiohead, Jeff Buckley and The Chemical Brothers just to name drop a few more. But this movie also stars Tom Cruise. And any points he gained with his acting efforts in films like The Color of Money, Rain Man and A Few Good Men were quickly forfeited when he pulled that crap on Nicole Kidman at the beginning of the year. Okay, so we don't know what went on "behind closed doors," but I never cared much for Charlie Richís easy listening country period anyway. My advice? Skip the movie and buy the soundtrack album, sales of which donít count in the box office totals.

THE WASH

Oh, that Snoop Dogg! Since he refuses to advance his career by getting gunned down by a rapper from a rival coast, he has to resort to acting in bad movies instead. In this one he teams up with his buddy Dr. Dre as car wash employees who get mixed up in all sorts of trouble, like having to do scenes with white rapper Emenim (who tones down his act to play a crazy obsessed wacko). Yeah, like we need another movie about life at a car wash. And this one doesnít even have Professor Irwin Corey in it.