THE TOP TEN SMOKINí HOTTIES LIST

I have been informed that a good way to attract people to my web site is to post pictures of sexy female celebrities. It sounds like selling out to me, but if it will help spread my message to the masses, then itís worth a try. I think it was Yosh Shmenge who said, "How do you get the children to swallow the aspirin? You put the aspirin in the ice cream."

1. CARMEN ELECTRA
She may not be in vogue anymore, but I still have to put Miss Electra at the top of my lust list. Long before she replaced Jenny McCarthy on "Singled Out," I was digginí Carmen and her CD on Paisley Park. Okay, so it sucked, but the promotional poster was pretty awesome. I must admit, she does need some help making her career decisions. Carmenís way too big of star and hot babe to wind up on a lame (and quickly canceled) WB nighttime soap. Even though Mitch Hasselhoff is a dipshit, "Baywatch" was a much better forum for Carmen to showcase her talents. (Did you see the episode where she did the hula?!) Maybe she just needs a TV show of her own or, better yet, to start making some movies where being naked is vital to the plot.

2. KARI WUHRER
Another tasty dish that was once served up regularly on MTV but is no longer on the menu. Like Carmen, sheís also tried her luck at being a recording artist. I havenít heard the results, but Iím sure itís probably every bit as good as one would expect it to be. As far as I know, Kari hasnít done much television lately, which probably is a good move on her part. I think the last show I saw her on was that weird ass piece of tripe hosted by the Zappa Brothers. Currently, besides the singing thing, Kari is trying her best to become a serious naked film actress and can be seen in the kind of movies that tend to undergo a name change when released on video.

3. HEATHER GRAHAM
As Roller Girl in "Boogie Nights" she brought new meaning to the phrase "poppiní a wheelie." Yeah, she was also very good in "Bowfinger" as the straight off the bus actress whoíd do anything (and anyone) to become a star. But itís her performance as Felicity Shagwell in "Austin Powers, The Spy Who Shagged Me" that makes me horny, baby!! Thereís something about a groovy bird in a gear 60ís mini skirt that gets my mojo running at full speed.

4. ELIZABETH HURLEY
Forget about "Whoís your favorite Bond girl?" The real question is, "Whoís your favorite Austin Powers girl?" Two movies, two ultra hot leading ladies. The only problem I have with this luscious beauty is her choice for a scum bucket lover. Why didnít she toss Hugh Grant out on his Mickey Blues Eyes ass when she had the chance? She is way too good to put up with crap from some watered down 90ís version of Peter Lawford. Lose the loser, Lizzy. Thatís all Iím saying.

5. SHANIA TWAIN
Sheís a country star! Sheís a pop star! Why, sheís two taste treats in one! Unfortunately, Shaniaís having a little trouble figuring out which one she prefers. As a country singer, she seems to be going for that pretty girl next door routine. As a pop star, itís leather mini skirts and how much skin can she show without losing the 4-H Fair audience. I, for one, was a bit disappointed with the wardrobe selection for her last TV special. Make up your mind, Shania, and stop being a tease about being a tease! Thatís the only way youíll make it to the top of this coveted list!

6. MIRA SORVINO
Hereís the only member of the Smokiní Hotties club whose won an Academy Award. Maybe thatís why sheís not being taking seriously enough as a choice babe. Hey, donít hold it against her just because she can act. Thereís nothing in the membership rules saying you canít have talent. (And nothing saying you have to either.)

7. JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT
I know what you did last summer, Jennifer Love Hewitt! Got sexier!!! Thatís right, honey, youíve got your own series now and just being cute ainít gonna cut it anymore. Maybe you should change your name to Jennifer Lust Hewitt.

8. SHANNON ELIZABETH
Talk about making a good first impression! This curvaceous goddess makes the list based solely on her amazing Maxim magazine cover shot. (The pictures inside ainít nothing to sneeze at either!!) According to the magazine article, Shannon appeared in the film "American Pie." Havenít seen it, but now I think I should. Thereís just one thing I donít quite understand. With a voluptuous woman like Shannon in the movie, howís come the lead characterís big love making scene is with a pie?

9. SALMA HAYEK
Hereís a hot bodied actress who really needs someone else to direct her movies. Me! For example, "From Dusk Till Dawn." Thereís a lot of different stuff going on in that movie and one incredible exotic dance sequence featuring Salma baby, after which she turns into a bizarre monster. First off, forget the turning into a monster bit. Next, get rid of all the monkey business between George Clooney, Quentin Tarantino and Harvey Keitel. That leaves ninety minutes of Salma Hayek doing some fine sexy dancing. Cut to me at the podium accepting my Academy Award for Best Director. Now letís fix "Wild, Wild West." No Will Smith. No Kevin Kline. And especially no Kenneth Brannagan and his silly giant mechanical spider. Just Salma Hayek parading around in skimpy costumes. "And thank you, ladies and gentlemen of the Academy for my second Oscar."

10. AMY CRAIG
This honey is too sweet to be called Hell On Wheels, but sheís tough when she has to be on the banked track and sheís my personal selection to wear the crown of Roller Derby Queen. (Yes, technically itís called Rollerjam now, but donít be such a picky bastard and just read the copy.) There may be other skaters with a little more "unnatural padding" than Amy, but this former Quake turned Riot Girl is the total package. The Bod Squad gets no nod from me. Iíd rather beg for Amy Craig.

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