1. Carrot Top & The Fine Art of Prop Comedy
Who woulda thunk that someone could come along and actually make Gallagher look funny by comparison?! Is there anything less funny than prop comedy?? "Sorry I donít have a fucking brain in my head and canít write real material..." Yeah, right. Glue some shit together and toss off a few bad one-liners and the next thing you know youíre on "The Tonight Show." The only prop comedian who ever made me laugh is Rip Taylor. The toupee that flips up in the air helps, but the real secret is his attitude. Taylor knows his act is lame, and thatís why it works.

2. Saturday Night Live
The only reason this pathetic excuse for comedy isnít Number One on this list is I havenít watched a single show this season. Hey, maybe itís gotten better! Yeah, and maybe Carmen Electra is waiting for me in my bedroom wearing nothing buy a smile. Sounds like a double fat chance to me. What I canít believe is the same awful cast has been on the show for so long. That must mean somebody thinks theyíre funny. Not me. Colin Quinn is so bad on "Weekend Update" he makes me long for Kevin Nealon. Cheri Oteri is the bastard clone of Robin "Donít Make Me Puke" Duke. And donít get me started on Will Ferrell or Chris Kattan!!! Please put this show or Lorne Michaels to sleep and go back to running old Johnny Carson reruns instead.

3. Tom Green
Some Brainiac at MTV had an idea. Letís air a show with a host thatís really, really annoying. Wouldnít that be a hoot! No, it wouldnít. Annoying is not funny. Need I remind you what is? (Answer: Funny is funny.) Oh, look thereís a camera shooting a man on the street interview and Tom Green is in the background being annoying. Now heís in an airport and heís so damn annoying itís just plain wacky! And what could be more side splitting than Tom Green being annoying with old people!!! David Letterman manning the window at a fast food restaurant is amusing. Tom Green in a similar premise is a mindless bore.

4. Smart, Hip Situation Comedies That Arenít Smart, Hip or Funny
Remember "Seinfeld" in itís prime? It was a hip show. It was a smart show. And, most of all, it was a funny show. To borrow a phrase from Jerry Lewis, it was "lightning in a bottle." Since "Seinfeld" stopped production, everybodyís been trying to come up with the new smart, hip sitcom. Remember the pre-season buzz on "Action"? It was gonna be hip and smart, but instead of funny, itís gone. How about "Oh, Just Grow Up!" Oh, just get off. The only thing that made me laugh at that show was the dog sitting on a cake. "Itís Like, You Know..." itís canceled. And then thereís "Two Guys and a Girl." Remember the Pizza Place? It knew better and left the show last season. I think it went to PBS and will star in a new series called "Three Tenors, One Muppet & A Pizza Place."

5. Jay Lenoís Comedy Bits On The Tonight Show
An overlong, laboring monologue and ass kissing patter with the guests would be enough to get the pretender to the Carson throne on this list, but itís those excruciating sketches and pre-taped bits that make you wonder what the hell viewers are thinking when they choose to watch "The Tonight Show" instead of Letterman. (Or instead of just going to bed or blowing their brains out.) Take for example, Virtual Jay. Thatís the zany misadventures of Jay somehow getting trapped inside his computer. All I can think of while Iím watching it is people are getting paid a lot of money to write and produce something that is not funny and, I must say, very unpleasant to look at. (The word "creepy" comes to mind.) Technical wizardry in place of good writing is a common denominator in many of the showís recurring comedy routines. A most favored gimmick is to contort Jayís face even more than usual by using what is known in the business as the "trick camera." Distorting the top of Jayís head to make it bigger makes him look really smart. Using the same technique on his chin, as if it were really needed, makes him look like a stupid jock. What comes out of his mouth during these sketches is just icing on the cake. But at least the band seems to think itís a real gas. I get the feeling Jayís original band leader Barnford Marsalis left the show not for creative reasons, but because he got tired of pretending his boss was funny.

Where have you gone Floyd R. Turbo? A nation turns itís lonely eyes to you.

6. Chevy Chase
Who else? A man with a list of bad movies longer than your arm. Plus that god awful talk show. And the wretched comedy album. And the dumb ass commercials. The worst part is, heís so smug about it all. Or maybe the worst part is thereís always some idiot willing to hand him another fat paycheck to be unfunny all over again.

7. The Drew Carey Show(s)
Whatís worse, Drew and his sitcom cast mates performing from a script or Drew and his improv buddies just winging it? Hmmm, kind of like choosing between having a bunch of nails hammered into your head or having a bunch of different nails hammered into your head. Itís too bad, because when "The Drew Carey Show" first premiered it was a halfway decent program. Now I just have two words for you: Mini Mimi.

8. Must See TV
Do they even call it that anymore? There was a time when NBCís Thursday night lineup was a powerhouse of quality situation comedies capped off by a solid hour of drama. The drama is still there with "ER" but besides "Fraiser," the quality seems to have dissipated from the comedy portion of the evening. "Jessie" and "Stark Raving Mad" both seem to fall in the category of "crap" and warrant no further discussion. "Friends," on the other hand, used to be a good half hour of jocularity, but now itís just thirty minutes spent with the kind of people you would walk across the street to avoid if they existed in the real world. No, Phoebe is not offbeat. Sheís annoying. (See Tom Green) Ross is a drip. Rachel is a self centered bitch. And that whole Monica/Chandler thing is just sad. Sure sheíll sleep with him now that sheís a scary anorexic nut case. Leave Ally McBeal alone. At least sheís always looked that skinny. Weíve seen the former high school pudge Monica deteriorate right before our eyes. The Must See TV, Jr. lineup on Tuesdays is actually a tad better than itís mentor. "Just Shoot Me" is okay thanks to David Spade, George Segal and that Nina woman. (Plus Mayaís enormous breasts) "Will & Grace" is a nice diversion. (Likable lead characters and funny sidekicks.) "Veronicaís Closet" is more crap. And I still donít understand the attraction to "3rd Rock." Four people acting really stupid is not my cup of tea. Is it any wonder I went out and bought a DVD player?

9. The X Show
Before you get all excited and think Iím taking a stand against shallow sexist programming, thatís not what Iím doing here. Iím taking a stand against shallow sexist programming that sucks. Iíve seen" The Man Show" a couple of times and it can be shallow, sexist and funny all at the same time. (Plus itís got that old guy who can drink beer really fast and women on trampolines.) "The X Show," on the other hand, is just plain mindless. You got your basic cross section of "guys" -- the weaselly one, the black one, the chubby one and the runt -- all sittiní around chattiní about guy stuff: women, cars, sports, women, video games, women, gambling, women and women. It might work if they had good writers, the four hosts werenít dullards and more than a tenth of the women on the show were in the neighborhood of being attractive. But I nit-pick. At least "The X Show" offers helpful lifestyle tips to itís predominately male viewers. For example, the chubby one models clothes that make him look less chubby (instead of demonstrating how to eat celery sticks). And there are experts who drop by and give their expert advice on such subjects as meeting women, fixing cars, betting on sports, getting women, improving video game scores, sleeping with women, winning at black jack and keeping or getting rid of women.

10. The Chicago Cubs
The hot stove league is in full swing and the Cubs management is hauling out the same tired old routines once again. Stop me if youíve heard this one before: "We made these trades to help make our team stronger up the middle." That oneís about as worn out as Louie Anderson telling fat jokes. Or how about the olí picking up an aging catcher with a low bating average because heís gonna help out the young (read: bad) pitching staff? Whatís he gonna do - show ëem how to use the condom machines in the bathrooms on Rush Street? "Slowly I turn, inch by inch, step by step..." Getting a new manager just when the act is getting too stale for even the most diehard of the Diehard Cubs Fan brigade is kinda like replacing that third Stooge every time another one dies. Fortunately Don Baylor is no Joe Besser but he still lacks the brilliant comedy stylings of Herman Franks or the improvisational talent of Whitey Lockman that would at least make those long losing streaks more entertaining. What other tried ën true material can we look forward to? A snazzy new slogan? Kerry Wood rehabilitation updates? ("It feels a little stiff, so the doctors want me to...") Or maybe the Cubbies should play heavy on the only real show stoppers theyíve had the past few years: Sammy Sosa and Beanie Baby Day. Wait a minute. General Manager Ed Lynch is stepping up to the podium for a special announcement.  "Now you can call me Ray, or you call call me Jay..."