LakinLand Research Report

Rat Dreams

In a recent scientific study that probably cost more money than Iíll ever see in a lifetime, researchers determined that rats do indeed have dreams when they sleep. According to the studyís findings, which amounted to pages and pages of mind numbing data, the most common dream rats have is one in which they relive their dayís activity of running through mazes to find a hunk of smelly cheese. Some life, eh? Anyway, our scientific research staff here at LakinLand (me and whoever brings the chips) has conducted an independent study using a rat that was discovered living large in a box of stale Lucky Charms and weíve come to the conclusion that in addition to dreams, rats also have nightmares and sometimes even wet the bed. What follows are the most recurring nightmares had by our subject rat, who was not harmed by our experiments and is now living a carefree life in some woods we drove by and tossed him in.

Nightmare #1: The rat is being chased around the room by an angry janitor wielding a push broom in one hand and a bologna sandwich in the other. Confused and scared, the rat runs into a corner and faces certain death until Michael Jackson appears out of nowhere and turns the janitor into a gigantic Ritz Cracker. (Or in one instance, mini Ritzes.)

Nightmare #2: After showing the rat a tape of the film Willard, he began dreaming he was an extra in the scene where the rats have to climb all over a screaming Ernest Borgnine. We learned to recognize this dream when the rat himself woke up screaming.

Nightmare #3: This one begins with the rat living out his fantasy life on a deserted tropical island, lying about in his little palm leaf hammock during the day and carousing with the other rats at night. However, paradise is abruptly destroyed when a bunch of stupid humans come ashore and start eating the rats like they were take-out food. Fortunately, our subject rat escapes by climbing onto a piece of driftwood and floating to Australia.

Nightmare #4: The rat dreams he has to give a speech in front of a bunch of other rats and suddenly realizes he is not wearing any pants.

Nightmare #5: Our test rat, which is a male of the species, is minding his own business and chewing on an electrical cord when he is approached by a tarted up female rat. "I donít want to be alone tonight," she squeaks and then invites our boy to come back to her place for a drink. He accepts and follows her back to an old dumpster behind a liquor store. They climb in and she tells him to relax why she slips into something more comfortable. She then disappears into a shoe box and moments later reemerges completely covered in tartar sauce. For the rest of the night they have hot and heavy rodent sex and when the male rat wakes up the next morning heís all alone and his butt is shaved. Wait, that wasnít a nightmare. Iím getting it confused with the ratís letter to Penthouse.