Greatest Fascist Dictator & Other Awards of Merit

Poop, I let you down. I only caught bits and pieces of the Grammys and I fell asleep half way through the Oscars. Probably for the best. Award shows just bore me and make me angry, and you wouldnít like me when Iím bored and angry. Trust me, itís not a day at the beach. Well, actually being at the beach bores me and makes me angry, so I guess it is.

Anyway, the big winner at the Oscars was Clint Eastwoodís "Million Dollar Baby," a movie I didnít see because the title led me to believe it was a musical and hearing Clint sing in "Paint Your Wagon" was enough to last me a lifetime. "M$B" won for Best Picture, Morgan Freeman won for Best Supporting Actor and Hilary Swank took home her second Oscar for Best Actress. Clint also won his second Best Director award and now we have to ask ourselves, "Is this a dynasty? Is Clint Eastwood the greatest movie director of all time? And is Hilary Swank better than Joe Montana?" Well, Iím not going to worry about it. Time and history will answer those questions. Iíll just tell you what I do know. When it comes to Academy Award Show fashion, Salma Hayek is yummy.

As far as the Grammys, all I know is Ray Charles won a bunch of awards for his duets album and an all-star lineup led by Bono performed one of the worst renditions of a Beatles song ever and then gave viewers a chance to buy it to raise money for charity. If they really wanted to raise money they should have kept singing until viewers pledged enough to make them stop. And then Bono could quit worrying about saving the world and concentrate on getting those choice U2 concert tickets to the real fans who deserve them.

Parade Magazine has published its annual list of "The Worldís 10 Worst Dictators" and we congratulate Omar al-Bashir of Sudan, who has leapt to the top spot all the way from last yearís number seven ranking. That means Kim Jong II of North Korea drops to number two and Than Shwe of Bruma slips to number three. Falling completely out of the top ten was Fidel Castro of Cuba, who now must wait for the Old Timers Committee to select him on their ballot in order to remain one of the Worldís Worst Dictators in 2005.

Martha Stewart, who also failed to make Paradeís list, has been released from prison and you canít turn on your TV without seeing her waving her poncho at reporters. I say let Martha get on with her life. Sheís got a multi-million dollar empire to run and a reality TV show to star in, and she has to do it all without a big cell block mama watching her back. It wonít be easy.

Robert Blake wonít be going to prison. A jury has acquitted him on charges of murdering his wife four years ago and now heís free to compare notes with O.J. or give advice to record producer Phil Spector. This is not insinuate that any of these men actually killed anybody. Iím just saying these guys might have a lot to talk about should they ever get together for a round of golf.

The bad news is Billy Joel is in rehab again. The good news is he wonít be driving a car for awhile.

Paul Newman has announced that he will retire from acting and racing in the near future so he can spend more time with his wife. He says he wants to make one more film and hinted it might be the long awaited reunion project with Robert Redford. Great, I was wondering who was going to replace Watler Matthau and Jack Lemmon in those "Grumpy Old Men" movies. And as far as the car racing goes, Iím sure the other drivers wonít miss having an eighty-year-old man zooming around the track with his left turn signal on for the final twenty laps.

A&E has paid 195 million dollars to air edited versions of "The Sopranos" beginning in the fall of 2006. Unfortunately, once they edit the shows, theyíll be able to run all six seasons in one evening, but on the plus side theyíll have plenty of room left for enough commercials to help cover the cost.

Speaking of editing, Mel Gibson has released a re-cut version of "The Passion of the Christ" in hopes of bringing his message and film to a wider audience. Of course, if he really wants to reach a wider audience, he should chop that baby down to thirty minutes, delete all the violence and then air it on network TV with a different ending. Then again, some people might think Jesus being grounded for a whole two weeks is still too harsh.

Alan Keys is a black Republican. His daughter is a lesbian who just came out of the closet. Throw in a wisecracking neighbor played by John Kerry and youíve got yourself a zany new sitcom on NBC! ("Címon, Alan, lighten up. At least you donít have to worry about your daughter getting an abortion!") [Cue laugh track.]

I donít consider myself a prude, but do we really need to have commercials on television that advertise KY Jelly? Iím sorry, I mean KY "Warming Ultra Gel Personal Lubricant." Try explaining that one to your kids when the guy in the ad peeks over the newspaper and raises his eyebrows like a dog that just heard someone say the word cookies. Whatís next? Dildo ads? Or should I say "Personal Satisfaction Wands"?

Gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson shot and killed himself recently and apparently did so because he didnít like the idea of getting old. (Maybe he had just watched an episode of "Matlock.") Unlike many people of my generation, I wasnít a devoted reader of Thompsonís work. For me it was much easier to read "Doonsbury" and get the Cliffs Notes version by following the exploits of Uncle Duke. Besides, itís hard to take a guy seriously when his style of reporting is given the same nickname as a character on "Trapper John, M.D." Look on the bright side. At least we have two movies to remember him by.

And finally, we bid farewell to comedian Dave Allen. When Monty Python helped make British comedy all the rage on public television in the 70ís, Allen could be seen in "Dave Allen At Large," a show that combined sketch comedy with Allenís observations on life in the form of his brilliant monologue segments. There was something very cool about the Irish comedian as he sat on his stool smoking cigarettes and drinking booze while he delivered his routines. He was smart and funny and thatís a hard combination to beat. In honor of Dave Allen, we end this edition of F&R the same way he closed his program. "Goodnight, and may your god go with you."