The Special Oscar Edition Youíve Been Pining For
The
third "Lord of the Rings" movie won all eleven Academy Awards it
was nominated for (including Best Picture) and thereís already
talk of Peter Jackson filming a prequel based on J.R.R.
Tolkeinís "The Hobbit." Letís see, a popular film trilogy comes
to an end, but the man responsible for it wants to go back and
show you what led up to the first movie. Peter, Iíve got three
words for you: Jar Jar Binks. Eleven for eleven. That may be a record in Los Angeles. It all depends on how many Laker girls were on the squad when Magic Johnson was still playing.
One of the Oscars won by "Rings III" was for Best Song, but can someone please tell me what character from the film Annie Lennox was made up like when she performed "Into The West"?
I never thought Iíd live to see the day when both Bill Murray and Elvis Costello were nominated for Oscars. Itís just too bad the Academy picked this year to forgive Sean Penn for his bad boy behavior and give him the Best Actor statue instead of handing it over to Murray, who should have won for Best Supporting Actor years ago for his performance in "Caddyshack." Now that would have been a real Cinderella story.
Okay, I have Joan and Melissa Rivers in the celebrity death pool. Yeah, I used to base my picks on age and health condition, but this year I decided to go with wishful thinking.
Cubs outfielder Sammy Sosa said he thinks Barry Bonds will be able to survive the recent steroid scandal just like Sammy survived the corked bat controversy that hounded him last season. So maybe Bonds should just come clean and admit he took steroids but only to enhance his performance during batting practice.
This week on "Martha Stewart Living Behind Bars," Martha shows you how to make a decorative toilet seat cover with the cigarette wrappers sheís been saving and Rosie OíDonnell drops by to lend moral support and help plan a lesbian bridal shower for two of Marthaís fellow inmates.
David Crosby was arrested on marijuana and gun charges in New York after he checked out of his hotel room but left behind a suitcase containing a .45 caliber handgun, two knives and his stash. Thatís the problem with pot. It makes you forget things.
Parade Magazineís annual "Ten Worst Dictators" list is out and I felt a tinge sadness when I saw that both Saddam Hussein and Muammar Quaddafi had dropped off the countdown. And Fidel Castro is way down at number nine? Ah, you kids and your Kim Jong II!
Mel Gibson. How dare you make a movie about the last hours of Jesus Christ without first getting script approval from the Anti-Defamation League. And boy, did they teach you a lesson by slamming your movie before it opened nation wide and raked in 250 million bucks. Hey, maybe the producers of "The Alamo" should secretly hire someone to protest their movie and say itís historically inaccurate and anti-Mexican.
Speaking of the Anti-Defamation League, it sure ainít the same since they split it up into four divisions and implemented the wild card system. I find it especially lame when someone who is mildly offended by something makes the playoffs and gets a first round bye just because they happen to be in a weak division and have a favorable boycott schedule.
Prosecutors may have to drop twelve counts of child porn charges against R. Kelley because the photos of the singer having sex with an underage girl were illegally seized from his Florida home. You know, if real cops would just watch "Law & Order" every once in awhile theyíd learn all about probable cause and this sort of thing wouldnít happen.
George Forman says heís looking for a challenge in life and wants to return to the ring for one last fight. But if he canít do that, he said heíd settle for trying to sell one of his Forman Grills to Paul McCartney.
"The Ellen DeGeneres Show" was nominated for a grand total of twelve Daytime Emmy Awards, but since theyíre only Daytime Emmys and not real ones, no oneís getting too excited about it. Besides, sheís going up against Wayne Brady and his show got canceled.
Greg Maddox is right back where he started from and pitching for the Chicago Cubs. Thatís exciting news indeed, but letís not get too excited just yet. I mean, yes the Cubs have a killer starting rotation and the addition of first baseman Derek Lee should make them a stronger ball club this year, but does this really justify WGNís three page ad in TV Guide for a Cubs-Sox exhibition game?
And finally, have you seen WBís new sitcom called "The Help"? Television at its stinkiest. First, is there any sane reason to bring Mindy Cohn back to television? (Thatís a rhetorical question.) And second, why did a respected actress like Tori Spelling agree to be part of such a train wreck? (Thatís sarcasm.) And as far as the script goes, whatís that old line about putting a lot of monkeys in a room with a typewriter and eventually theyíd plagiarize Shakespeare? If you scraped up what they left on the floor, youíd get a half a season of this dreck. And hopefully, the monkeys would sue.
Fuck and Run- "The Archives" is right here in case you missed an edition.