Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire!
I am shocked, shocked to find that Pete Rose bet on baseball
games while he was managing the Cincinnati Reds! Why, I havenít
been this stunned since the day Rosie OíDonnell came out of the
closet. (I knew she was gay. Just didnít think she could squeeze
through the door.) Yes, Pete Rose is coming clean after 14 years
of lying through his teeth, but it has more to do with selling
copies of his new book than it does easing a guilty conscience.
Oh, Pete is sorry all right. Sorry he got caught. And he doesnít
think he should have to give up gambling just so he can get into
the Hall of Fame. Next up for Charlie Hustle? Hawking the Pete
Rose home haircut kit on QVC and demanding an apology from Ray
Fosse for getting in his way during the 1970 All-Star game. Britney Spears claimed she didnít know what she was doing and Jive Records released a statement saying that she just took a joke too far, but are they talking about Britneyís quickie marriage in Vegas or her most recent album? Unfortunately, only the former can be wiped out by an annulment.
Wasnít it a waste of time for LSU and Oklahoma to play for the BCS title in the Sugar Bowl? Why didnít they just let a computer decide the outcome?
The "Survivor All-Stars" have been announced and I have only one question. Whereís Puck? Yes, you know itís time to pull the plug on a franchise when they start resorting to gimmicks like this. Whatís next,"CSI: Survivor"? CBS should end this thing before it becomes a pathetic hanger-on that gets sadder each additional season and turns into an embarrassing blotch on the schedule. Speaking of which, "Frasier" will end its eleven year run this May after limping along the past three or four seasons. Talk about jumping the shark! Roz had a baby, Niles and Daphne got married, Frasier and Roz did the nasty. One more season and weíd probably have to deal with Papa Crane and Eddie hooking up and adopting puppies.
What is potentially more harmful to a baby? Being held by the Crocodile Hunter while he feeds a full grown crocodile or having to listen to that god awful accent every single day?
Ray Davies of the Kinks was shot in the leg while chasing after the crooks who stole his companionís purse in New Orleans. Hey, do you think he shouted "You really got me" when the bullet hit? Yeah, right. Like you didnít think the same thing when you first heard this story.
Talk show update: Sharon Osboune has returned to hers, Wayne Brady is losing his and this fall Tony Danza will be getting one of his very own. Hey, maybe he can do it as his old character from "Taxi" and they can call it "Banter With Banta"! It sure has a better ring to it than "One More Pile of Steaming Monkey Crap."
Okay, so Iím watching TV and thereís this car commercial using Tom Jonesí recording of "Help Yourself" as the soundtrack music. That gives me the urge to hear the song in its entirety, so I get my copy of the Tom Jones "Millennium Collection" and find out it isnít on there. Hmm. Wrong millennium, I guess.
Oh, and while weíre on the subject of songs in commercials, Iím sure glad TNT finally ran their remake of "The Goodbye Girl" so I donít have to put up with that long-ass Hootie & the Blowfish promo any more. Maybe good-bye doesnít always have to mean forever, but letís hope this is one case where it at least means get lost.
Michael Jackson bought a new home because he says he can never live in Neverland never again after police searched it for evidence in his case. Earlier in an exclusive interview with Ed Bradley of "60 Minutes," Jackson remained steadfast in his belief that itís okay for him to sleep in the same bed with children heís not related to, but his lawyer refused to let the King of Pop answers questions about his previous molestation case or whether Jackson is or is not koo-koo for Cocoa Puffs.
BTW - Jacko showed up twenty minutes late for his hearing on child molestation charges and got yelled at by the judge for his tardiness. Just a reminder that "The King of Pop" is only an honorary made-up nickname and that in a court of law, moon walking is non admissible.
And finally, remember last year when I wrote, "The Tampa Bay Buccaneers are the World Champs and they will reign supreme until about mid October, when the experts start to wonder what the hell happened?" I also said to tune in to see if the Chicago Bears finally realize you canít win a championship with two third string quarterbacks taking turns running the offense. Boy, did I know what I was talking about! The Buccaneers took the customary post Super Bowl dive and the Bears heeded my advice but blew it by picking up another hand-me-down QB to poorly fill the void behind center. Ah, but wait until next year! Jon Gruden wonít have that pesky Keyshawn Johnson gumming up the works and the Monsters of the Midway will be ready to make noise in the Black & Blue division with a brand new head coach named...Lovie??
Fuck and Run- "The Archives" is right here in case you missed an edition.