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F & R Bring Me The Heads of Teddy Ballgame and Jann Wenner  Ted
Williams. The greatest pure hitter that ever played the game.
And now his head has been severed from his dead body and awaits
the technology that can bring him back to life. Why didnít they
just remove his noggin before he died and sew it on another
manís body like they did in that awful two-headed transplant
movie starring Ray Milland and Rosey Grier? Or they could just
cut their loses and auction it off on QVC. Iím sure Pete Rose
wouldnít mind serving as co-host if the price was right. Or
would that hurt his chances of getting back into baseball and
managing another team? Speaking of two headed freaks...Mary Kate & Ashley (a.k.a. The Olsen Twins) made the cover of Rolling Stone Magazine. If Hunter S. Thompson were dead, heíd be rolling over in his grave. Hey, if I were dead, Iíd be rolling over in Hunter S. Thompsonís grave. Yes, put the loaded gun to my head and pull the trigger. Then hunt down Jann Wenner and slap him hard across the face to fulfill my last request. At one time he published a magazine that became required reading for the counterculture. Now he just wants to revive Tiger Beat. Meanwhile in California, the Two Arnolds are running for governor. That would be Arnold Schwarzenegger, the body builder turned movie star, and Gary "Arnold" Coleman, the TV child star turned tabloid freak. Schwarzenegger is the early front runner, but columnist Arianna Huffington could take some of the foreign accent votes away from der Arnold and that might open the door for one of the other 135 candidates to steal the election. Letís just hope itís not Gallagher. He has thrown his hat into the gubernatorial race and exposed his bald head, so you know this is serious business. Or could it be Gallahger is just tired of Carrot Top stealing his prop comedy thunder and needs some national exposure to get his career out of the comedy club rut? There is one advantage to electing the unfunny comic as governor. He could concentrate on the problems of the larger cities while the smaller towns would be governed by his brother, Gallagher II. Idi Amin is dead. But his passing didnít even make the front page of most newspapers. I guess thatís what happens when youíre a has-been mass murderer. They say he didnít even know how many executions he ordered. In fact, sometimes he thought he was ordering take out when he was really wiping out an entire village. Poor Idi. He lost his power and had to spend the rest of his life in Saudi Arabia, where he lived in luxury but no longer had the authority to kill someone and eat them for lunch. I wonder if they allow that sort of thing in hell. TV producer Dick Ebersol paid $50,000 in an auction to find out who Carly Simon wrote "Youíre So Vain" about. And then an anonymous bidder paid another fifty grand to find out why Ebersol hired Robin Duke, Tony Rosato and Brad Hall to be cast members on Saturday Night Live in the early 80ís. Singer Bobby Brown was arrested for violating his parole at a restaurant near Atlanta after an unidentified caller tipped authorities. The nature of the violation has not been made public, but I doubt it was for using the wrong fork. For his next trick, magician David Blaine will go without food for six weeks while being suspended in a box over London. Actually, Blaine doesnít call himself a magician anymore. Heís an endurance artist. Yes, this means starvation is now an art form. So my favorite artist is no longer Salvador Dali. Itís that kid on the album cover for "The Concert For Bangla Desh." Roseanne Barrís new show had to be canceled due to illness. Apparently, everyone is sick of her. Sting recently appeared on the cover of Parade Magazine. Must have been their annual "Whatís Boring America To Tears" issue. And does the Stinger have a new album coming out? Itís hard to tell. I mean, I keep seeing what I think is a video, but Iím having a hard time finding the song in it. Maybe itís just a long ad for the Gap. First there was "The Best of The Doors." Then there was "The Very Best of The Doors." Now we have a two CD set called "Legacy: The Absolute Best of The Doors." Ah, they no a-fool me. Iím waiting for "Seriously, This Really Is the Honest-To-God Very, Very, Very Best of The Doors - Plus Bonus Tracks." Giants tight end Jeremy Sharkey apologized for calling Dallas Cowboys head coach Bill Parcells "a homo" in a recent interview. No word yet if homos have accepted the apology. Freddy vs. Jason. You knew when the mega-powers of modern day slasher films got together it was going to be huge. And letís face it, this movie revived their careers just when it looked like their days of murder and mayhem were over. Hey, I just had a thought. If der Arnoldís political aspirations donít play out, maybe he could hook up with Sylvester Stalone and make "Rambo vs. The Terminator." Or "Stop, Or My Mom Will Shoot 2: Rise of The Kindergarten Cop." And now itís time to say good-bye... Yes, we lost some more famous people since the last edition of this column, including Bob Hope, who left us shortly after celebrating his 100th birthday. We also bid farewell to legendary record producer Sam Phillips, the man behind Sun Records who brought us Elvis Presley, Jerry Lee Lewis, Carl Perkins and Johnny Cash. And we would be remiss if we didnít pay tribute to John Schlesinger (Director, "Midnight Cowboy"), baseball legend Bobby Bonds and Tex Schramm, the former general manager of the Dallas Cowboys. Combined, these great men gave us laughter, music, movies, sports thrills and professional cheerleaders in skimpy outfits. Thanks for the memories. Fuck and Run- "The Archives" is right here in case you missed an edition. |