F & R
 

The War, The Baseball Park And Other Things

Okay, itís been awhile and some of this may be old news already, but itís time to play catch up...

Reality TV gone mad? Every channel you turn to has its own reality show about a war going on in Iraq. Theyíre all pretty much the same except for the titles: "America at War," "Target Iraq," "Too Close For Saddam." However, these reality programs have an added twist. People actually get killed! Not on camera, mind you. Because that might break the illusion that this isnít fake.

There seems to be a problem with some of the breakout characters on these war reality shows. Peter Arnett was fired by NBC for appearing on Iraqi television and presenting "opinion as fact." And Geraldo Rivera was squeezed out of the county for blabbing secret information over the airwaves. Whatís next? Joan and Melissa Rivers get banned from covering the war for the E! Network when they make negative fashion comments about the chemical suits the troops have to wear? ("Gas masks in the summer?! Oh, puh-leeeze!!")

Just a coincidence, I guess, that Edwin Starr, the man who sang that war was good for absolutely nothing, died recently. I mean, Nixon once tried to get John Lennon deported for singing "Give Peace A Chace," but that was so long ago when Republicans were evil.

Apparently, Hollywood forgave Roman Polanski as he was awarded a Best Director OscarÆ for his film "The Piano." Then again, it wasnít an underage Hollywood that Polanski drugged and rapped twenty-six years ago in Jack Nicholsonís home.

And while weíre on the subject of "The Piano" and the OscarsÆ, Adrien Brody took home the prize for playing a Jew who has to hide from the Nazis during World War II. Four years ago, it was Roberto Benigni who won as a Jew imprisoned in a concentration camp in "Life is Beautiful." Just think, if they ever release "The Day The Clown Cried"...

David Letterman called in sick and missed a couple of weeks as host of "The Late Show Starring Himself." He had the shingles and would have been back sooner, but he needed one note from his doctor and another from a roofer.

Celine Dion has begun her three year gig at a Las Vegas hotel and those who have seen the show have expressed concern over the humid temperature in the theater. Imagine, they have to listen to Dion sing and theyíre complaining about the heat!

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction hoopla. Oh what a letdown! A chance for three big reunions and, unfortunately, the only one that came off is the one that involved Sting. The Clash couldnít reunite, of course, because one of them (Joe Strummer) just died. Elvis Costello would play with only two out of three Attractions because the bug up his butt still refuses to perform with bass player Bruce Thomas. And the Police reunion was spoiled by a non-rocking version of "Roxanne" that had Stingís ego-prints all over it. Oh well, what can you expect when you try to make rock and roll respectable?

Some other quick thoughts on the gala event...Mick Jones looked like he's signed to play the lead in "The Final Years of Humphrey Bogart," Billy Joel looked like heís living the part of his final years and the Righteous Brothers showed they lost more than that loviní feeling when they performed that big fat horny hit of theirs. I never was fan of these guys, but at least they were able to sing at one time, right?

Another letdown. The season ending (and probably series ending) episode of "Ed" where the goofy bowling alley lawyer finally makes his decision between the woman who has made him happy recently and the one who pushed him away for three years and suddenly decides she wants him when she realizes she canít have him. He chose the latter, which isnít totally a bad thing, but a whole hour of two women on the verge of anxiety attacks saying "pick me, pick me" isnít exactly what I call entertainment. Now having them wrestle for his love in a wading pool filled with oatmeal...

Cherís farewell concert on NBC drew over sixteen million viewers for the peacock network. I wonder if the ratings will be even better for her comeback concert a few years from now.

Lance Bass is the resident judge on "The Search for the Most Talented Kid In America." In other words, all the other guys from N'Sync have their solo projects to work on and heís got nothing better to do. Oh, he had plans. He was going to be the first pop star in outer space but his sponsors didnít cough up his space camp membership fee on time. Now he just sits on the panel with that blank look on his face. Whatís he thinking as a 13 year old girl prances around half naked to a smutty show tune? Well, there is math involved in the judging.

Baseball season is here! Ah, the crack of the bat, the roar of the crowd, the choking sounds coming from Wrigley Field. Wait a minute - this year itís going to be different! No, really! The Cubs signed Dusty Baker as their new skipper and heís the hot free agent manager all the struggling teams were fighting over. Gee, remember when Don Baylor was the hot free agent manager all the struggling teams were trying to sign?

The Dixie Chicks are getting less air play on country music stations because one of them made disparaging remarks about President Bush. Fans walked out of a Pearl Jam concert when Eddie Vedder violated a photo of the President on a mike stand. The Baseball Hall of Fame cancelled its "Bull Durham Day" because two of the filmís stars (Susan Sarandon & Tim Robbins) are too vocal about their liberal anti-war stance. And now Janeane Garofaloís Bush bashing may cost her a shot at sitcom stardom on ABC. Apparently, TV viewers have been flooding the network with calls and e-mails threatening to boycott the networkís programming if they put a liberal commie pinko like Garofalo on the air. And in a somewhat related story, Fox has agreed with censors to edit out the line "Kids, donít fight" in all previous and upcoming episode of their hit sitcom, "Malcom in the Middle."

And finally, overjoyed citizens of Baghdad looted the national museum to pick up some priceless artwork to go with all those old tires theyíve been scampering off with since the fall of Saddamís regime. Ah, the spoils of war!