Ainít That America?

A woman beats her four-year-old daughter in a department store parking lot and itís all captured on a security camera for the world to see. She calls it a "bad choice" and says sheís sorry. Yeah, sorry she got caught. The woman, ironically named Toogood, has been charged with battering a child, while her relatives, who wouldnít turn her in, should be locked up for obstructing justice. Thatís because there are no laws against stupidity in this country. And you still donít have to pass an IQ test to have a baby.

Has the Tupac Shakur murder been solved? A story in the Los Angles Times reports that the late rapperís killing was carried out by a now dead Crips gang member using a handgun provided by Pacís rap rival, the Notorious R.I.P., who allegedly pitched in a million bucks as incentive to carry out the hit. And in a similar story, a reporter for Source Magazine has revealed that it was members of Lilí Bow Bowís posse who were responsible for a painful and humiliating snuggy given to Lilí Romeo during gym class last October.

Lance Bass wonít be taking his joyride into outer space this month. Seems like his sponsors didnít cough up the cash needed to pay for his trip to the International Space Station, so he was bounced out of a Moscow training center like a dead beat who didnít pay his hotel bill. And this wasnít the only setback in Bassí attempt to become the first pop star astronaut. Back when he arrived for training, he was immediately sent home because he forgot to have his mom sign his permission slip.

"American Idol." Twenty-eight million people watched as Kelly Clarkson won the title and a million dollar recording contract, which should just about cover the cost of checking her voice levels on the first day in the studio. And now only one question remains. Will Kelly Clarkson become bigger than Sam Harris?

The first season of "24" is being offered up on DVD and it includes an alternate ending in which Jackís wife Teri doesnít get killed. I donít know, shouldnít they have saved that for Disneyís animated version of the show?

John Oates has a solo album out. Yeah, I laughed, too, when I saw it. Apparently, there were some musical ideas John needed to express that didnít quite fit on a Hall & Oates record. Either that, or Daryl kept turning off all the lights and hiding whenever John dropped by to talk about their next recording session.

Some quick thoughts on the Emmy Awards...

Conan OíBrien was the host and, in an unusual twist for award show hosts, he was actually funny.

Who wins isnít always as important as who doesnít win. And this year we were spared acceptance speeches by the cast members of the annoying "Will & Grace" and the worn out "Frasier."

Tom Hanks. Heís become the number one star at the OscarsÆ and heís also a big deal at the Emmys. Now all he has to do is record an album with Puffy and he can take over the Grammys and be the biggest damn thing in the history of show business!

Tom Cruiseís filmed testimonial to Oprah Winfrey provided more evidence that the actor is either totally full of himself or goofy beyond repair. Or both.

And speaking of Oprah Winfrey, was I the only one thinking "big hooters" as she gave her acceptance speech?

But seriously folks...

Warren Zevon has cancer and it will kill him. But heís still making music and taking the grim news all in stride, claiming itíll suck if he doesnít live long enough to see the next James Bond movie. And now whenever thereís talk about a new Bond flick, Iíll think of Zevon and how sad it is heís not around to see it.

LaWanda Page died. You may remember her as Aunt Esther on TVís "Sanford and Son." Yes, the only woman who could go nose-to-nose with Redd Foxx as Fred Sanford and give as well as she got. Like Foxx, she was also a legendary standup comic who played the chitlin circuit and helped pave the way for younger, hipper comedians like Richard Pyror, who in turn paved the way for the likes of Eddie Murphy, Martin Lawrence and Chris Rock. She may not have wound up in the same tax bracket as those performers, but at least she had her day in the sun thanks to the loyalty of Foxx and a sitcom character that belongs in the TV hall of fame.

Is there a pro football team in heaven? If so, they had one hell of a draft in September. Johnny Unitas, "Bullet" Bob Hayes and Mike Webster all passed away recently and itís only fitting we call a time-out to remember these legends of the game. Hayes brought world class speed to the NFL as a split end for the Dallas Cowboys in the sixties. MIke Webster, as a center for the Pittsburgh Steelers, hiked and blocked his way to four Super Bowl wins and nine appearances in the Pro Bowl.

And then thereís Johnny Unitas. If you were a kid growing up in the 60ís (which I was), the name Unitas and the word quarterback were synonymous. He was the best there ever was and he even called his own plays. Plus he wore high tops, which automatically makes him the coolest QB ever to play the game. Johnny Unitas is on a better team now, taking snaps from Mike Webster, throwing passes to Bob Hayes and handing off to Walter Payton. Yeah, thatís football heaven all right.

And in hell, youíve got the XFL.