"If you say Osama bin Ladenís name backwards itís Nedal nib Amaso"

As Harry Caray would say, "Theyíre dancing in the streets of Kabul!" Yeah, the Taliban fled the capital city of Afghanistan and now the women can uncover their faces and the men can shave off their beards. (And vice versa.) But talk about bad timing. Theyíre free to listen to music again on the same week Garth Brooks releases a new album!!

Ah, the Garth Man. He says this is his last album because heís retiring from show business. But first he has to perform live on his very own triad of network TV specials to be broadcast on three consecutive weeks. And then heíll probably make a few talk show appearances to pump the new record and tell everyone that heís really gonna retire this time. But only after doing a few more commercial endorsements, I imagine. And a holiday special. And when his final last album gets nominated for a ton of awards next year, heíll have to show up in a brand new shirt and graciously accept them. Then heíll retire for real. And you wonít have Chris Gaines to kick around anymore. Maybe.

Mark McGwire. What a big baby. Someone breaks his home run record and he quits. Thatís okay - the dinger derby is getting out of hand anyway. I predict that in the next couple of years someone will hit over a hundred home runs in a season and take all the fun out of it. And thatís when the Major Leagues will enforce a new "over the fence is out" rule and restore the gameís integrity.

Gary Busey as a washed up entertainer on "Law & Order"? Wow, that was a stretch. Personally, I always thought he was the poor manís Nick Nolte.

Okay, Iím hooked. "24" is indeed worthy of the hype that preceded its premier. What a thrill ride. And Keifer Sutherland is a way lot cooler than any of the other pretend government agents youíll find on TV this year. Even John Stamos. Although Iím not sure if Stamos plays an agent because I still have no idea what the hell his show is about.

Whatís up with VH-1 showing clips of Arsenio Hallís old talk show? Doesnít nostalgia have its limits? And talk about someone who really fell off the face of the earth (after taking a nasty bounce off that silly cop show starring Sammo Hung). Fortunately, Aresenio at least had M.C. Hammer to land on and break his fall.

All right, howís come no one was around to stop me when I thought it was a good idea to eat two whole McRibb sandwiches by myself?

Peter Buckís air tiff trial will have to be rescheduled after the judge halted it and dismissed the jury for unexplained reasons. (Maybe they heard the new R.E.M. album and he feared bias in the case.) According to the prosecutor, Buck got liquored up on a British Airlines flight, staggered around the plane, got stuck between seats, mistook a hostess trolley for a CD player and covered himself and an attendant with the contents of a yogurt tub. In other words, Buck, who denies the charges, is being accused of acting like a drunk Jerry Lewis on an airplane and will have to wait until a new trial date is set to clear his name. (But at least heís still very popular on Air France.)

New top secret plan to capture Osama bin Laden: Wait until he shows up to see the Harry Potter movie and grab him while heís standing in line for tickets.

Did you catch the Michael Jackson "Tribute To Me Show"? Or read his interview in TV Guide, the TV watchers Bible? According to the surgically altered King of Pop, one of his favorite things is to spend time with his good friend, Marlon Brando. And it only looks like theyíre making a sequel to "The Island of Dr. Moreau."

Kudos to ABC for showing "Saving Private Ryan" without editing the language or content, but a raspberry within the kudos for cramming so damn many commercial breaks into the broadcast. Then again, maybe its just been awhile since I watched a movie on a major network during prime time. I have a DVD player now and I am spoiled. And thatís why I paid the couple in the apartment downstairs to come up and provide fake commentary during the climatic battle scene at the end. (Although I hardly consider "Ooh, ooh, look at the blood!" as a fitting alternative to Spielberg explaining in great detail how he set up a difficult shot.)

F&R extra credit: Form a discussion group and explain to me again why "Saving Private Ryan" lost the Best Picture OscarÆ to "Boring Pretentious Film Everybodyís Forgotten Already." You may use construction paper and glitter if you like.

Now it can be revealed. When vice president Dick Cheney went into hiding for national security purposes a few weeks back, I found him crouching behind my drapes eating a fudge sickle and doing a Find-A-Word puzzle. Only two Secret Service Men were around to protect him (one in the closet and one under the bed) and I thought their backup plan was somewhat primitive and ineffective. In fact, I fell for Cheneyís trick of covering his eyes and saying "You canít see me" only twice.

"Driving Rain." The new album by Paul McCartney. Still absorbing this one, but I can tell you "Rinse the Raindrops" is an incredible piece of work and the bass playing on this CD is flat out wicked. A thumbs up on this one, folks. Just gotta live with it a bit before I decide how far up.

Saw the tail end of "The Silencers" on TV the other night. A movie so wrong on so many levels. Dean Martin stars as Matt Helm, a secret agent who saves the world and beds the babes without missing a beat or happy hour. Thereís our hero behind the wheel of a fully equipped spy station wagon with a drink in one hand and a wet bar just within his reach. Ah, the women canít resist him, of course, and since anyone could be an enemy agent, strip searches are mandatory and fun. And whatís Dinoís mission? To find the Big O. (I kid you not.) Unfortunately, it turns out to be Victor Buono wearing eye makeup and we all wind up disappointed.

And finally, People Magazine named Pierce Brosnan as their "Sexiest Man Alive" for 2001. Yeah, snubbed again. But I guess everybody has their own opinion on what is sexy and what isnít. And, to be honest, Iím not really sure I even meet the requirement of being alive. Thereís always next year, I guess. But if I finish behind Clint Howard again, Iím taking my name off the ballot for good.