"Arizona, Have Another Look at the World, My-My!"

Ah, the fall classic and Americaís pastime. The crack of the bat, the roar of the crowd and the smell of some drunk urinating in his beer cup. You canít beat fun at the old ball park. And when the best of the National League squared off against the best in the American League, you know I was right there in front of my TV set watching Michael Jordan make his return to the NBA as a member of the Washington Wizards.

Okay, so I did the channel switching thing. Mostly concentrating on Michael and the (geeze Iím sick of the term already) Jordanaires as they began their long season of facing near insurmountable odds in their quest to win more than twenty games. But wait, these guys didnít look half bad as they barely lost to the stinky Knicks and then beat the Atlanta Hawks. This could be a fun season after all. Especially since Bat Boy has decided to join the team and play under the name of Popeye Jones.

Getting back to the Boys of Summer playing in November...

Itís good to see that Mark Grace finally made it to the World Series. Of course, he had to sign with another team to do it, but thatís all right because Gracie deserves a break after playing 13 seasons with the knot heads from the North Side. And itís not like he held out for more money or anything. Nope, the powers that be decided a career .300 hitter didnít fit into the Cubs plan of leading the division most of the season and then folding like a card table after a local bridge tournament. Ungrateful bastards.

On a much sadder note, the Chicago Cubs suffered their biggest loss of the season when legendary WGN producer and director Arne Harris died of a heart attack on the night before the last game of the year. Well, at least now thereís someone to provide hat shots for Harey Caray, Jack Brickhouse and Lou Boudrea in that great copyrighted broadcast in the sky. Letís just hope they have race tracks in heaven and Arne never has to take another ribbing for not picking up the check.

Okay, so where was I headed? Oh yeah, the World Series. The roar of the bat, the smell of the crowd and the crack of some drunk guy mooning the camera during the seventh inning stretch. You canít beat fun at the old ballpark. Just one thing bothers me. Why do they call it the World Series when only teams from the United States and Canada are allowed to compete? What about Japan? Or Cuba? Or Utah? And all those championship banners hanging from the rafters in Yankee Stadium donít mean quite as much when Norway is left completely out of the picture.

Before the first game of the "World" Series they went a bit overboard with a giant flag that covered the outfield, a reenactment of the Imo Jim flag raising and a reenactment of the firefighters raising a flag at the ruins of the World Trade Center. (Any one of these would have been enough.) But the best part was Jewel singing the national anthem in her skimpy flag print top. Man, she looked awesome. Of course, the cameras were focused on all that other stuff and they only showed Jewel for about 15 seconds. Dumb bastards.

At least with the World Series in progress, thereís something on TV to watch instead of the new fall season crap. Itís just too bad the games are on FOX, the only network that has more than one or two shows worth watching. No Malcolm In The Middle, The Simpsons or King of the Hill until the final out is made and two of the yearís most anticipated new shows, 24 and The Tick, also have to wait for the fat lady to sing before they premiere. Meanwhile, Emeril Lagasse is having a field day.

On the other hand, Iíve been canceled by CBS. No, wait. This Danny was that lame sitcom starring Daniel Stern. Axed after just two episodes were aired. On Fridays no less. Imagine getting canceled for not being watched on a night when people donít watch television. And being replaced by reruns of other shows! Man, talk about a great title being wasted. Network programming bastards.

Meanwhile back at the World Series. The Arizona Diamondbacks win the first game, totally wiping out the New York Yankees by a lopsided score I canít remember. And then game two. Arizona wins again. This time with Randy Johnson on the mound. Thatís right, Randy Johnson is Arizonaís number two starter in the World Series. Amazing. And to think he and I have the same nickname but for completely different reasons.

Billy Idol at the Bridge Benefit. Whoís the dumbass that made that booking? Of course heís gonna act like an idiot. Heís Billy Fucking Idol. Thatís his job. But itís sad heís still doing it now that heís an old fart. I guess he just couldnít make the transition like Meat Loaf.

Too bad about the band called Anthrax, right? Who thought that one day their name would actually become as offensive as their music?

Game Three. President George W. Bush throws out the first pitch at Yankee Stadium. But itís not one of those sissy tosses from the stands to a catcher standing ten feet away. Nope, he goes out to the mound and throws a strike right over home plate. And then two secret service men grabbed the ball and wrestled it to the ground.

Have you heard the news? Mick and Keef are discussing plans for a possible tour next year. "The Rolling Stones 40th Anniversary Tour - brought to you by Metamucil and Bill Knappís."

Dammit. The Yankees win three games straight and take a 3-2 lead in the series. And they do it in dramatic style by coming from behind and winning in extra innings. Donít ask me for names or details because itís too much for me to remember. Besides, the games lasted way too late for me to stay up and watch the endings. All I know is when I fell asleep the Diamondbacks were ahead and when I woke up George Forman was trying to prove a point by drinking the grease he drained from one of his grills.

A bit of good advice I remember from the 70ís: Never laugh at Jimmy the Greekís intangibles.

Back to the NBA and game three of MJís comeback. The Wizards win again and this time they beat the Philadelphia 76ers, a team that went to the league finals last year. Granted, Allen Iverson sat out the contest due to a so-called injury, but we know the real reason he didnít suit up. He was afraid to play against Air Jordan and Bat Boy.

Michael Jordan isnít the only MJ trying to make a comeback. Michael Jackson has just released Invincible, his first album of new music in a real long time. Warning: Do not operate heavy machinery while listening to this CD as it may cause drowsiness.

The World Series again and Arizona must win game six to stay alive. When I dozed off they were ahead 15-0, so I figured there would be no late inning heroics from the men in pinstripes this time. And when I woke up the Diamondbacks had indeed knotted up the series at three games a piece and George Foreman was trying to coax a live badger onto one his amazing fat reducing grills.

Laura "Half Pint" Ingalls defeats Rhoda "The Window Dresser" Morgenstern in a controversial election for president of the Screen Actors Guild. And I find it rather ironic that any Hollywood actress would want to be the leader of an organization that is commonly known by its members as SAG.

The Chicago Bears have an effective new game plan. Fall behind by two touchdowns in the fourth quarter, tie the game up and then win it by returning an intercepted pass for a touchdown in overtime. This might cause problems in the games they have against Detroit in the second half of the season. Spotting the Lions a 14 point lead will not be easy.

Game 7 of the World Series goes head-to-head with the 53rd Annual Emmy Awards. Curt Schilling vs. Roger Clemens or The West Wing vs. The Sopranos. Who will be crowned baseball champions of a world that includes only the United States and Canada or who will be named "Best Supporting Actor or Actress in a Mini-Series or Made For TV Movie Adapted for Television by Dogs Wearing Mittens"?? (Okay, so I made up the part about the mittens.)

Well, it's a no brainer because baseball is still less boring than an awards show and Don Zimmer is still a lot funnier than Ellen DeGeneres. And what a game!! The DíBacks pull it out with a come from behind win in the bottom of the ninth! Fittingly enough, the game winning rally was started by an ex-Cub (Mark Grace) and finished by another ex-Cub (Luis Gonzalez). And donít cry no tears for the Yankees. They won the World Series three years in row and itís time they let someone else have a turn.



BTW - For those of you who arenít up to snuff on your baseball trivia, Randy Johnsonís nickname is "The Big Unit."